In The Shade of Grey

My heart feels heavy.. the way it does when you feel at a loss. These days feel confusing, uncertain of whether or not it’s my own feelings or postpartum depression seeping in. I feel sad, the way you do when you’ve lost a pet or maybe your favourite shirt. The feeling of unsettling prying at you. Again, I cannot tell you why. I don’t know why.

My mind seems to never retain anything these days. From reading, to small reminders, I cannot for the life of me, remember! My mind feels lost..like it’s not there. My thoughts all jumbled up.. weary of what I should be remembering, but don’t.

 

 

I have no motivation for anything. Not inspired on my own but with everything else. Does that make sense to you? It doesn’t to me. I don’t know what I want. I used to. I used to be so sure. I knew how to go about it. I knew how to get it. I knew how hard I’d need to work for it. But I knew what I wanted..and that I would get it. I’ve done it this way for as long as I can remember.. but now.. now, I feel nothing. No persistence, no efforts, no clue, nothing!

I keep telling myself this illness will pass. That it won’t be forever, that I’ll find my way again. But deep down, I’m afraid. I’m afraid for feeling imprisoned by this unsettling feeling of uncertainty. I’m afraid to feel so deep into this, that I don’t even know where to start to figure this illness out or fix it. No one else can do it for me. Medication merely makes it bearable, but who wants to just bear it? I want it gone.

I’m obviously not mentally strong enough, the way I thought I was.. to be able to mentally right this. The weight on my heart that makes it so hard to breathe. My constant anger repressed so that my children wouldn’t get the worst of it. I’m done letting this break my children. I’m made more efforts in fixing what I’ve already broken with my son..it’s working! I’m so glad for that. But deep down, the things I try so hard to control it’s heavy! It’s hard to! I’m slowly losing my grip.

 

It went from a really awesome Mother’s Day, to turning twenty-nine, to feeling absolutely lost!


I’m not prepared to battle this, I really am not. I don’t know the first step to. I don’t ever know how to shake it off. I feel like I’m drowning into the abyss of whatever this illness is.

I look at that photo of my children and me, and all I can think about is how much of that moment, I recall. Did I feel happy, genuinely? My smile.. it beams so effortlessly, it makes me feel like I was, happy.. in that moment. Then I look into my eyes, I see it stare right through me.

I don’t have any easy out in this post. I cannot leave you feeling settled or with a resolution.. all I have is a boundless feeling of shame and guilt. 


 

 

This is my struggle with postpartum depression.

 

 

 

 

MM, out!

Author: mommyingmaars

Maria, author of Imommy blog. Maria has three children, Apollo (8), Artemis (2), and Cassiopeia (1). She is due to marry her best friend July 2017. Maria used to be a Registered Early Childhood Educator, before having her second child. She is now a SAHM, that is not paid for wearing many other professional hats. She is, and not limited to some of these professional positions: Doctor, Nurse, Nanny, Chef, Maid, Uber Driver, and so on.. When she isn't mothering or tending to all her other unlicensed professional positions, she loves writing and dancing. She is a previous ballroom and latin competitor. Some of her favourite "stuff" are, turtles/turtoises, the colour green (lime - forest), Laneige's Sleeping mask, make-up, and eating (food is her most favourite self-care aspect). Maria is also currently writing a book on her autobiography, which has been ongoing for the last few years, she's certain she'll eventually finish if she could just get over the hump of emotions attached to exploring oneself. As you read Maria's blogs, you'll get a feel of the true individual that she is, which can sometimes be a fine line of crazy and sweet, but not too sweet. Maria hopes you'll enjoy her blog as she does talking in her head to herself as her fingers skim through the letters on her keyboard. A message from Maria; I do not intend to use my writing to impose or tell you how motherhood should be done. I am no pro at this, and find as I share my wisdom from my experiences, that it shall uncover parts of your heart that find it relatable. My posts aren't always consistent in writing, but it is meant for you to to take in as it is. Find it humurous, sad, lonely, or helpful. Whatever it is you take from it, it only means one thing.. that I have found a place in your mind for those few minutes you dedicated to reading my crap. Thank you for being here, for giving me the chance to share my thoughts. Please return, and remember all written materials and photos on this site, is not to be taken without permission. xo, MM

13 thoughts on “In The Shade of Grey”

  1. Hang in there! This too shall pass! I know how you feel and it will get better. Take some “me” time and go get a mani/pedi! Exercise helped me as well! Hope you feel better soon! I hope you know your post will help others going through similar struggles. Thanks for sharing!

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  2. I’m so sorry you are fealing this way. I had a time not long ago that I suffered from depression, and I felt everything you describe here. The good news is that I made it to the other side. I took my medicine and went to therapy with a great psychologist once a week, and I started walking (5minutes, 10 or 15); and I decided I was going to make an effort but was going to ask for help (so hard for me to do), and I am not going to feel ashame. I declure my life in everyway and learn to be patience. You too are going to come to the other side, just be patience and don’t feel bad for feeeling like you do… just breath

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  3. While I can’t offer words of wisdom or coping mechanisms, I will offer how I see you in the hopes I will give a little glimmer of positive light, while I don’t know you in person, you show your kind soul every time your fingers touch the keyboard, I see a woman who desperately wants to make a wonderful childhood for her kids and I see a person who is brave to share her struggles with strangers. There are many minutes in the day, I hope day by day the good times outnumber the tough ones. Take care!!!

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  4. So sorry you are going through this! I had baby blues after my baby was born, lasted for only a month. I just recently started having anxiety because of how my mom treated me growing up, so now I’m afraid I’ll be like her. I am now seeing a therapist, which is helping a ton and I highly recommend therapy to anyone who needs help!

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  5. Wow. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I didn’t even know you had a birthday and I’m sorry about that too, about it knowing. You’re a really good mom and a really good friend. And a really good writer. I mean really…you have captured the feeling of depression so perfectly here…I wish you weren’t feeling this, and I appreciate that you are sharing your feelings with the world. Your feelings, your words, your self…are important.
    I know what it’s like to feel weak. But you’re not. Just because you can’t take on a mental illness on your own doesn’t make you weak. Nobody can do that. We are all these like divine amazing creatures trapped in these meat-robots. And sometimes our meat robots get abused or hurt or the chemicals just get screwed up, and even though YOU are a perfect infinite expression of all the beauty in the universe; doesn’t mean you can control your body! It’s an imperfect analogy, I know, but our bodies really are just machines reacting to stuff. My machine got traumatized. Your machine got imbalanced chemically due to child birth. It’s not fair, but it’s also not something we can take on alone. Don’t feel bad to rely on your supports…on your husband…you got this way because you birthed the beautiful children you made TOGETHER, and you don’t have any reason to feel guilty for getting help from him. You didn’t say anything about that but I know what it’s like to feel like a burden on those we love.
    This comment is insanely long..I’m sorry. I just want you to hear and believe that you are loved, you are lovely (inside and out) and you are NOT weak.
    And then if this part is totally annoying I apologize and please ignore it..if you would add this also to my mother link-up I would be so honored..I’m going to share it either way, if that’s okay with you?, but this is truly-no exaggeration-one of, if not THE, most genuine and affecting descriptions of depression I’ve ever read and I know that I would love to have it archived in that link-up and just shared and read by as many people as possible…that’s totally up to you; I know it’s really personal. But it’s also really beautifully written and I think a lot of people will be able to relate to it. I know I can.

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    1. You always have a way of making me feel better. You understand this so well. Thank you my friend! P.s. I tried to line-up but I messed it up (can you delete it so I can do it again)? I wanna say more to you.. I’m just really brain fried right now. I’ll reply to this again. ❤

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  6. Hang in there! I had PPD when I stopped nursing my youngest at 16months, it kick in FULL FORCE. I ended up getting pregnant shortly after and it turned into really bad pre natal depression, which I didn’t even know existed. You’re not alone. Don’t feel guilty, you love your kids, they know that. Try eating some different foods, watch some funny movies or read a really good book. Take some time outdoors. Try and think of positives. I know it’s hard to see a way out of these feelings right now, but maybe call your OB and let them know how you’re feeling! My OB recommended yoga.

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    1. You’re so sweet for all these suggestions. Thank you for sharing your story. Wow.. I think I had pre natal depression before my second and third was born..its been a really long battle.. Thank you for being so kind! xo

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