Sunshine Blogger Award

I was nominated by Kayla from Adventures of a Young Mother!

I met Kayla in the blogging world. Her story of being a Young mother and taking on motherhood with poise is quite inspiring and if I may add has a super duper adorable little boy who just makes you squeal from his cute photos Kayla posts on Instagram. I am so happy to have met her, even online because she reminds me a lot of myself, becoming a mom at 21. Thank you, Kayla!

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WHAT’S SUNSHINE BLOGGER AWARD?

“It’s an award made for bloggers who are creative, positive, and always aim to be inspiring.“

Rules For Sunshine Blogger Award

• Thank the blogger who nominated them and link it back to their blog.
• Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger who nominated them.
• Nominate 11 other blogs and give them 11 new questions to answer.
• Notify your nominees and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post.

 

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 YOUR FAVOURITE THING ABOUT BLOGGING? 

I have always loved writing since I was a child. It was my way to write down the experiences I had then and to be able to track my progress as I grew-up. A lot of why I wrote had to do with feeling unwanted and needing to prove myself -worth. As I go back to my entries in my diaries and now through my precious private blogs, I see better how I’ve grown and changed throughout the years. It helps better who I am.

I ALSO, got into blogging because I wanted the dirty details of motherhood to be up front and center for anyone online looking to relate their experience in motherhood and along with a sprinkle of my personal growth that can sometimes serve as a hilarious comic. I MEAN, half the shit that life throws at you is absolutely normal and with that said, it’s not necessarily something we should take with a smile. It’s not always pretty or easy and being able to share the raw aspect of what it means to experience life as a human being is one we all share as strangers just trying to live each day, one shitty story or one inspiring story at a time.

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WHAT DO YOU WANT READERS TO TAKE FROM YOUR BLOG? 

I WANT my readers to cry, I want them to get angry, I want them to feel scared, I want them to feel inspired and motivated and maybe shit them themselves from laughter (lol). I want my readers to take my posts as it is and share the emotions as they read on. TO FEEL captured by the truth of my life and to really FEEL what it makes them feel. Every story is only truly understood when you allow it to capture your heart.

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WHAT’S THE BEST BLOGGING ADVICE YOU’VE BEEN GIVEN? 

I have yet to get any advice on blogging, but what I have always believed in as a writer is, writing from your heart. To write when you feel inspired. To write for yourself before anyone else. The more honest you are, the more people can relate. The more you can, possibly, change love and inspire good in people.

 

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HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE? HOW OLD ARE YOUR LO’S?

 

 

 

I have three children. APOLLO, a boy who’s eight. ARTEMIS, a girl who’s two. CASSIOPEIA, a girl who’s one. 

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WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPIEST AS A MOTHER?

 

Having never met my mother or know anything about her, created a lot of chaos in me as a child. I made a vow to myself that if ever God wanted children in my lifetime, that I would do everything in my power to love that child(ren) with all of me. Being a mother in itself, makes me the happiest. Being a mother completes me, it makes me feel loved, the way I always yearned for. I love having my own family and being able to get that unconditional love from my children is the greatest blessing I have ever received from above. 

 

 

 

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WHAT IS THE BIGGEST STRUGGLE YOU’VE ENCOUNTERED AS A MOTHER? 

 

The biggest struggle I have as a mother right now is having Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety & OCD. The challenge in taking myself out of the depths of the symptoms that come with Postpartum Depression. It’s not always easy to get yourself up and out of bed to tackle the days requirements as a mother. It’s hard to deal with as a person, and even harder as a mother and everything in between that come with this illness. It’s a struggle all on it’s own. The internal struggles only I can fix and deal with. An illness that affects those that surround me on the daily.

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WHAT DO YOU DO FOR ME TIME? 

I’m honestly terrible at self-care. It’s hard for me to pin point what I do for “me-time” because honestly, between my husband gone all day (till dinner) or away for work travels, I don’t have “me-time”. I don’t do babysitters nor do I have family close by to help (we moved to another city a year ago). But bedtime is usually my “me-time” where I can shower and focus on my skin-care. I also take trips to Starbucks with the kids in tow throughout the day to enjoy a beverage I can share with my kids because yes, moms don’t get to eat or drink without sharing. 

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WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE?

I have a ton of favourites, from ‘Casablanca’ to, ‘My Best Friends Wedding’ to, ‘Run Away Bride’ and so on. But if I had to choose one to watch over and over again, my ultimate go-to is, ‘The Godfather’ series. I love everything from that movie. The way they love family, to the way their idea of justice works to the underlying, manipulative perspective of kindness. Haha, I’m a sucker for gangster movies.

 

 

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WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE DATE NIGHT? 

I love food! A date to a new restaurant or one of our favourite go-to restaurants is an awesome date night for me. Keep me full and fed, I would be the happiest person ever, until the next time I get to eat again. LOL

 

 

 

 

 

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WHAT DID YOU GET FOR MOTHER’S DAY? 

 

 

I honestly didn’t expect anything because I didn’t really say what I wanted, but I got spoiled! My son surprised me with a painting he made at school on a canvas and a card from scratch that included a poem 💘. My husband surprised me with a two necklaces. One, a heart engraved with my children’s initials, with a ‘mom’ attachment. The other, three intertwined hearts to represent my three children. 💝 I also got a mug that says, ‘Best Mom ❤ (ever)’ and a manicure & pedicure the day before, and some new kicks in my favourite colour (green). 

 

 

 

I hope you enjoyed getting to know more about me! 

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MY NOMINEES

1. Robin ➡️ The Mama Playbook
   
2. Tina ➡️ No, You Need To Calm Down 
3. Tifanny ➡️ Short Sweet Mom
4. Jasmine ➡️ Love, Life, Laugh, Motherhood
5. Elizabeth ➡️ Bettys Battleground
6. Delia ➡️ Punk To Pacifiers
7. Elizabeth ➡️ Worth Writing For 
8. Ant ➡️ Our Cookery
9. Archie ➡️ Presentfullmama
10. Caitlin ➡️ Rogers Party of 5
11. Sirri ➡️ Super Sirrious Mom 

 

All these amazing bloggers spew out creativity in all the awesome contents they share with others. Not only do they share their lives, but they support others through it. They inspire through their own stories, capturing everyone’s hearts one sentence at a time. The positive support they consistently promote within the community of bloggers and mothers is one that creates a world united by strength and powerful women. So congratulations to each and everyone who has been recognized for this award. Keep sharing the love!

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QUESTIONS FOR MY NOMINEES: 

1. If you could tell your past self something about motherhood, what would it be?
2. What are your two “mom guilt” you often think about?
3. If you could advocate for children, what would you advocate for?
4. What’s one bad habit you have as a mom?
5. If you could be in charge of your child(ren)’s future career, what would it be?
6. What is your recent mom fail?
7. What would you have been, or be if you weren’t a mom?
8. What’s one advice you’d like to share with a soon-to-be mom or new mom?
9. Who’s your hero?
10. What would you describe yourself as, as a mom?
11. What’s your biggest fear as a mom?

 

In The Shade of Grey

My heart feels heavy.. the way it does when you feel at a loss. These days feel confusing, uncertain of whether or not it’s my own feelings or postpartum depression seeping in. I feel sad, the way you do when you’ve lost a pet or maybe your favourite shirt. The feeling of unsettling prying at you. Again, I cannot tell you why. I don’t know why.

My mind seems to never retain anything these days. From reading, to small reminders, I cannot for the life of me, remember! My mind feels lost..like it’s not there. My thoughts all jumbled up.. weary of what I should be remembering, but don’t.

 

 

I have no motivation for anything. Not inspired on my own but with everything else. Does that make sense to you? It doesn’t to me. I don’t know what I want. I used to. I used to be so sure. I knew how to go about it. I knew how to get it. I knew how hard I’d need to work for it. But I knew what I wanted..and that I would get it. I’ve done it this way for as long as I can remember.. but now.. now, I feel nothing. No persistence, no efforts, no clue, nothing!

I keep telling myself this illness will pass. That it won’t be forever, that I’ll find my way again. But deep down, I’m afraid. I’m afraid for feeling imprisoned by this unsettling feeling of uncertainty. I’m afraid to feel so deep into this, that I don’t even know where to start to figure this illness out or fix it. No one else can do it for me. Medication merely makes it bearable, but who wants to just bear it? I want it gone.

I’m obviously not mentally strong enough, the way I thought I was.. to be able to mentally right this. The weight on my heart that makes it so hard to breathe. My constant anger repressed so that my children wouldn’t get the worst of it. I’m done letting this break my children. I’m made more efforts in fixing what I’ve already broken with my son..it’s working! I’m so glad for that. But deep down, the things I try so hard to control it’s heavy! It’s hard to! I’m slowly losing my grip.

 

It went from a really awesome Mother’s Day, to turning twenty-nine, to feeling absolutely lost!

I’m not prepared to battle this, I really am not. I don’t know the first step to. I don’t ever know how to shake it off. I feel like I’m drowning into the abyss of whatever this illness is.

I look at that photo of my children and me, and all I can think about is how much of that moment, I recall. Did I feel happy, genuinely? My smile.. it beams so effortlessly, it makes me feel like I was, happy.. in that moment. Then I look into my eyes, I see it stare right through me.

I don’t have any easy out in this post. I cannot leave you feeling settled or with a resolution.. all I have is a boundless feeling of shame and guilt. 

 

 

This is my struggle with postpartum depression.

 

 

 

 

MM, out!

Blogger Recognition Award

“In the moments when all I can round up is the women I have been blessed to find online, she would find herself to be one of those people who just reaches out to you and comforts you with wisdom.”

Ten days ago, I was completely floored when I read my messages. There I found an uplifting message from a fellow and friend blogger, Robin of The Mama Playbook an honest and funny blogger on motherhood and family. Robin is one of the few mom bloggers that I have been able to create a friendship with, even from a digital perspective. She has always extended her hand for more than being colleagues in the field of blogging, but also as moms and individuals. She has always provided me with sweet, and encouraging messages. In the moments when all I can round up is the women I have been blessed to find online, she would find herself to be one of those people who just reaches out to you with wisdom.

How My Blog Started

I had officially started blogging years ago. Never having it public. I’ve had a few accounts, from forgetting passwords or just creating a totally new blog from the different seasons in my life. About a year ago, the day after my birthday, I began writing. Writing about the things that weighed heavy in my heart. The limitless amount of thoughts that lingered in my head. All jumbled up, unable to shine and get the proper recognition of what it may be trying to get across. The more that I wrote, the more that I realize a lot of the things I’m writing about may be something someone else can relate to. The more that I wrote, the more that it dawned to me how much other moms out there were looking for a helping hand in sharing experiences.

Moms have it tough (not to say anyone else don’t). Moms in general are selfless, worry worms, with a memory bank of forever. They have so much to say, but can’t because well they mostly have just their children to talk to. If you needed to know, it would require a baby translator to even, in the slightest bit have a intelligent conversation with. Babies have a lot of good things to say, it’s just that nobody can friggin’ understand them. I should know, my one year old literally yells at me from frustration, trying to tell me how her ducky attacked her while sitting on the ducks face.  

Aside from the fact that I wanted to be able to share my thoughts and have other women find comfort in it–that they aren’t alone. I wanted to jot down all the things I couldn’t remember after a day. I realize now, that it was because I suffered from Postpartum Depression. Writing allows me to keep some kind of tabs on my experience. It allows me to reflect on my journey in motherhood and to be able to have a place with all my thoughts, available in the future (I save them). Hand written some.

“When experiencing Postpartum Depression, a lot of the times your mind tends to be foggy. You have a difficult time remembering. You struggle to keep track of the simplest tasks you had just thought of doing ten minutes ago, but now all of a sudden you can’t remember for the life of you what it was.”

Two Piece of Advice I Would Give to New Bloggers

1. Write For You, first. Know WHY you’re writing first of all. Know what your purpose is behind blogging. Is it to make money? Is it to get across your views out there to share with other same minded people? Is it to remember these moments for yourself because we all get older, and we can’t recall everything. When you write, write for yourself. Write something you’d be happy with, to read over and over again, and not something you feel would bring traffic to your blog. You want to be able to capture your readers. Have them take something from it.
2. DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF OR YOUR BLOG WITH Veteran Bloggers. There are tons of bloggers that have been doing this years before you. They have learned all the tools they need to share their blogs accordingly. What they have on their site, the numbers of followers, readers, shares, or any of that they built themselves with time. You are a new blogger, who will eventually get there. Do not compare your start with someone who’s already been on a journey. It will not help your blog serve its purpose.

The 15 Bloggers – Nomination for Bloggers Recognition Award

1. Our Cookery by Ant
2. Short Sweet Mom by Tiffany
3. The Gifted Gabber by Amy
4. The Messy Bun Mama by Morgan
5. Blooming Brilliant by Christine
6. Adventures At Home – Dedreanna
7. This Cool Mom Blog by Jaime
8. Everyones Sleeping But Mom by Kristyn
9. Little Bit of Learning by Laura
10. Pretty Loved by Kristin
11. Bettys Battleground by Elizabeth
12. U Ready Teddy by Devon
13. No You Need to Calm Down by Tina
14. Glossy Babe by Jennifer
15. Home Bound But Hopeful by Kate

These women, not only have provided a safe place online to provide other women with resources and beautiful art that they willingly share, but their journey that help so many one way or another. Each one of these women, have made an impact in my experience as a blogger and most specially as a person. Thank you, ladies!

Thank you again, Robin!♥

The Bloggers Recognition Award – Rules for Participating

• Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog
• Write a post to show your award
• Give a brief story of how your blog started
• Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers
• Select 15 other bloggers you want to give this award to
• Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them and provide the link to the post you created.

Thanks for reading! I hope you check out these wonderful bloggers and share in their journey with plenty of helpful resources for you to read!

MM, out!

My Open-letter to J <3

It has been very challenging for us lately. I don’t know if ‘challenging’ even comes close to expressing what we’re going through. The turbulence in our life as of late has us, struggling to figure our way through, but I know we’ll get through it because I have you. 

You have been my strength lately, the crutch that gets me through the day, the voice that sees me through the moments. You’re the creases that form my smile, the laughter in my sorrow. You’re the reassurance in my doubts, the comfort in my falls. You’re the one who heals my heart when its broken, and the life that continues to give when mine is low. 

Thank you for being there. Thank you for being silent when all is loud. Thank you for the constant reminder that in all of this, I always have you.

MM, out!

4 tips on Keeping your Significant other in The Loop

As a SAHM who has a very busy husband-to-be that spends more than 10 hrs away per day, it can sometimes be stressful to keep each other in the loop of what’s happening with our three kids, and each other. I dont mean if someone sneezed should he know or if someone pooped 3x in 2 hrs. 

Keeping each other updated on doctor appointments, events at school for our school-aged son, my doctor appointments, the hubbys travel for work schedule, visitors, extended family events, dental appointmentd, check-ups for the girls, organized sports, and everything in between.

This is what works for us

WhatsApp 

On the daily, I would usually video call him twice. Once in the morning for the girls to say hello (because they miss him and still don’t understant what ‘he’s at work’ means), and for me to mention whether or not the our son has gone to school. In this time I updated him on anything for that day that will be happening. It could be doctor appointments for check-ups for any of us or an event at school for the oldest. 
I video call him again in the afternoon to update on how appointments went, any important results that require immediate knowledge and for him to have a chat with the oldest about school and other stuff. 

We rely on whatsapp to call, text, or video call (which is btw a new feature). He works in the united states, and we live in Canada. He travels to and from daily over the border to work. While he does have an American cellphone..I don’t. So the cost to call him would be crazy. We don’t need a long distance plan because its not worth it for us. There are tons of apps that one can use with wifi or using your mobile data service. He still has a canadian phone obviously for being home during vacation, evenings and weekends. 

Google Calendar (shared)

My hubby to be is not really a paper and pen type of guy for reminders, and with the way the the digital and technology world is booming, he loves good calendar. We share the google account, which is a personal one where we update on the regular as the schedules pop-up. There we’ll update dates and times for appointments we have for the kids, ourselves, and extended family events. He also includes important work schedules I need to be aware of. Because, he travels for work at times, it’s important for us to be aware of the time he’ll be gone and what important, scheduled appointments he may miss. This way we’re able to create a plan accordingly. 

Loose Paper Reminders

There are always loose papers on the kitchen island for him to look at when he gets home. It could be lose papers from school that our son brought home, sports he’d like to join, or events where I know his attendance is required. At times there also love notes, and pictures the kids have made for him to guess or scribbles for him to read. Guess which types of loose papers we enjoy keeping? 

Verbal Communication 

While there are a ton of apps that can help with keeping each other on lock with our family appointments, the old verbal communication is still key (where you’re only limited to 50 characters), in keeping each other on top of things 😉. This allows us to take the time to communicate to each other the extended details of appointments scheduled in our calendar. Its always better and recommended. 

Life with kids can get super chaotic, and keeping each other leveled with important information stored in an accessible organizer is how we’re able to keep our shit together as parents and partners.

How do you keep your partner in the loop?

MM, out! 

Tips on surviving March Break (Staycation)

Sunday is half-way done, and we’re leading into a full-week of screaming children, trying to figure out when time starts and ends in one day. If you’re like me who’s taking on a staycation instead of a fun trip outside the country, then you’re going to need some tips on how to get through the week without spending a ton, just to make it fun.

In case you’re not a frequent visitor on my blog, I have three children, Apollo (8), Artemis (2), and Cassiopeia (1). The ages of my kids, will probably determine the type of activity I’m going to engage in throughout the week, because my husband doesn’t get March Break off. He also cannot take the time off to invest into some planned trips within our city, because he’s swamped with a list of “finish me now” deadlines. So I’m truckin’ through March Break, alone. THAT’S OK though. The husband fill figure some night time activities with the kids.

Remember one thing: while March Break is usually for kids to take a load off from school, it’s also a week you’re taking off to take a break! So no pressure on having to pressure yourself on doing crazy, tiring adventures-unless you’re into that!

 

 

Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

It’s inexpensive to eat at home, since you’re already home and not staying at a 4-5 star hotel outside of your country. Take that opportunity to save on meals. Take the kids on a trip to the grocery with you and pick-up items they want to incorporate into their meals. Come up with meals that require them to participate in the process. They’ll love the process, love what they’ve made and it’ll taste delicious for your wallet, with all that cash you’ll be saving on eating.

I understand not everyone want to make the trip to the grocery store with children in tow, but honestly if you have one of those groceries with tiny, training carts, it won’t be as bad. Allow them to create a list for themselves, and one-by-one check it off with them through the aisles. This may take a bit longer than usual, but again this fun experience goes under fun times during march break.

Allow a couple or few meals to be planned outside of home. Perhaps, two days of the week you go out for lunch at your local soup and sandwich joint you haven’t tried before, or their favourite restaurant. A few nights can be at your favourite dinner restaurant. Go out as little as you want, and do it on a budget you set right from the beginning of the week.

 

Invite Family over

Yes, some of you may be scoffing at your computer or mobile right now, thinking are you nuts? That’s more work for me and march break is for me to take a break. Wait a minute..I promise I’m into something here.

 

The grandparents are coming towards the end of the weekday. They’ll be coming over from three hours away, for four days. A little more than half of the week they’ll come spend some time with the grandbabies. They’ve set-up excursions to the indoor waterpark we have in Windsor, and that means a pass for march break for unlimited, exhausting swimming for the “boy-child” ™.

Do you see what I did there? Having family over wont be the end of the world for your march break, break. They’ll come to give you a break, and gain their points on best grandparents ever! You’ll only really conjure up energy for breakfast, dinner, and hang-out time before bed. You can use your pass for breakfast and dinner at a restaurant instead of cooking yourself.

 

Local fun – mall, skyzone, frozen yogurt, etc..

• In between the days when you can’t send off your kids with the family, take them to your local favourite places. Apollo loves the only major mall in Windsor, Devonshire. I don’t know why, but he loves heading to that place more than the outlet mall. Perhaps, it’s the cinnabon store they have, or the tiny vendor for mini-donoughts that they have. Either way, it’s a few hours spent straining your eyes on checking out items you don’t necessarily need to buy. Go shopping for some spring/summer outfits for the kids. Great time to get it out of the way before the rush of season of-shoppers.
• We have a trampoline and go-kart place here called, Skyzone. An hour there, will surely tire out the kids, in time for a nap at home. Or maybe they wont make it pass the parking lot.
• After dinner dates to your local frozen yogurt joint, like Menchies, is always a fun drive to do for dessert!

 

 

 

 

 

At-home planned fun

It’s still quite cold in Windsor, ON (Canada), so we’re going to keep the fun indoors.

• Movie nights with popcorn and other snacks
• bedtime in a tent (playroom set-up or basement)
• game boards
• forts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Party – your kid’s close friends who’s also on a staycation

Invite the parents. Make it into a party where the kids can hang out, entertain themselves, and make it into a pot lock. Pot-lock allows for less meals made or bought by you, and if you have yet to meet the other parents (like us), this is the best time to. It doesn’t suggest, leave your kids and come back. Buy a case of beer, a few bottles of cheap wine and you’re good for a night of partying with your kids. It’ll be loud, and probably get a little messy with a few kids, but that’s ok just for one day of the week. Remember you’re not inviting the whole class!

In the end, you’re entitled to create a week of whatever you’d like to do for March break. These tips are merely for your kids to survive a possible boring week, without losing your mind. Creating a chill, and inexpensive week is always awesome in my books.

Are you on a staycation for March break? What are you doing? Hit me up in the comments to share your tips!

 

Thanks for stopping by!

 

MM, out!

 

My top 3 Transitional Toys (from Babies to Early School-age)

There are those toys as moms that we keep during every spring cleaning fest we have. Toys we just can’t get rid of because our different aged children ranging from babies to early school-age (7 yo) still continue to play with.

My top 3 transitional toys:

Blocks

I have had these blocks, since Apollo was a toddler. I have kept them, year after year, and he continues to play with them even know at eight. We ended up adding to the set, for Artemis. She got a few sets as gifts on her first birthday, and her first Christmas. There is a bin (old art bin) full of blocks, and  an original bag that Apollo’s blocks came in. All I do is wash it once a month, with part water, and a few tablespoon of bleach. I wash it with warm water and soap first, and sanitize it with the water and bleach mix. I let it dry overnight, and make sure that there are no water left in the slots. Blocks are so versatile, that they can be utilized in different aspects of learning. 

Blocks can be used for sorting, counting, and colours, which encourages learning math. Blocks can also be incorporated with our toys like, toy soldiers who used them as structures to jump from, seats for dolls, tables for miniature toys, etc..

Blocks are great at any age! 

Pretend Toys – Food & Kitchen Utensils

Pretend play is a very big part of play in children. Children love to pretend-play with all sorts of toys, but one common toy that is used for every kind of pretend-play from baker and chef, to mommy and daddy picnics, to imitation of feeding babies are, food toys and kitchen utensils. It doesn’t get old. It continues to be played with, on a regular. Sometimes the kids even go through my drawers to use actual utensils, cups, plastic plates they use for eating. Food toys also contribute to school-age children in teaching them the types of food and what food family they belong in. I know having a picky eater, helps me in connecting the food he eats, with the toys he’s seen. Most of the time, after the food is cooked, and the kids weren’t part of the process, they wonder why the outcome looks so weird. Well utilizing the food toys as tangible examples (especially the ones that cut in half with pretend knives) makes it a little bit comforting for them. 

It’s definitely an awesome keep! 

Balls

We all know balls are universal. Anyone and everyone can keep them as long as they haven’t deflated. The collection of balls we have from the time Apollo could learn to just hold them, has tripled if not, more. From tennis balls, to soccer balls, to basketballs, to volleyballs, to balls that collect water for summer, to light-weight balls co-used with other toys, playing with balls are just great fun (back it up, you know what I meant), anytime.

Artemis is now into kicking it around, and she gets all these ideas and sees all these moves from her older brother, so having balls around are so perfect for gross-motor skills and active play. Artemis is learning to push the ball to Cassiopeia, where Cassiopeia then learns to stop it and picks it up or even chases it. These are all part of learning. From baby to school-age, balls provide learning for every step in their milestones. 

Children are able to utilize their motor skills according to the size of the ball, the weight of the ball, and eventually categorize the type of ball that it is. Promoting learning through physical activity. 

So, yes, I keep them as long as they’re in good condition.

There are a ton of other toys my kids love, and I’m sure your kids as well. The most important thing is keeping the ones that can grow with them and utilizing them regulary by incorporating them with other toys, and different types of play. 

 

What are some of the toys you keep on every big cleaning session, you do?

 

MM, out!

 

 

 

 

Lets Get it, TOGETHER!

Alright, alright, settle down..

The kids are all finally asleep..im writing this from my phone so bear with me if it doesn’t come out esthetically correct (c’mon you’re here for more than that)…

Its been an exhausting three days, sort of half way through the week..but when you’re a stay-at-home-mom, the week ending and the weekend finally being here doesn’t really make much of a difference in my books. The only thing that gets a break is the drop-off, pick-up errand, everything else stays the same and more things get added on, like laundry!

Ugh, lots of friggin’ laundry! What in the heavens, did they strike a deal with the laundry god and he’s all bitter about some next dryer lover who broke his heart and now he punishes us moms with a mountain of laundry on a weekly basis? I personally am not the type to do a load a day..i feel like it drives me nuts, having to remember and forget the damn loads. So i prefer the weekends to dedicate to laundry..however many I get done on whatever day. All i know is it gets done. 

I also do major grocery shopping on the weekend..for all necessary lunches, meals, and whatever I’ve forgotten on my short-runs throughout the week. I go out during the week for small purchases like milk, eggs, bread, and produce. So the weekend is nice for stocked fridge! 

I have feel feeling extra beat this week, maybe because we had two of my kids birthday over the weekend, and the in-laws were over. I mean one night, almost 2 days is really not that long but its exhausting! I think because I’ve only ever fancied having people at my house, now that we could house extended persons, I’m not used to it. I mean my hands were nonestop under running faucet, and at the end of Saturday night, they were dry and hurting I couldn’t open a gatorade bottle. So leading into this week, i was already done before it could even start! 

So obviously you’re kinda seeing through my rant that this leads to a question someone else asked…

I am part of a few mom groups on facebook (yes, yes i am. Let me know if you want in *insert nose rub here*). I am because being a sahm is lonely at times and the only other adult conversations i have are done with my fingers (wait a second don’t take that the wrong way), even laughing because being able to share experiences, relate, get advice is all that easy and hard at the same time. 

So one of the members post: 

“I am a stay at home mom, in your opinion should the home maintenance load be shared with your husband if he’s working full time? Or should i take it all as my responsibility since i dont work? My husband is great at picking up after himself but thats usually all he does”

Some of the response in the first few were all summed-up to, “well my husband works 50-60 hr work weeks, and he plays with the kids” or “we made a deal before the baby that I’d stay home and he’d work” or “he works really long hours, so i do most of it and thats fine”…ok back it up for a second. I know that i’m as guilty as some of these women, defending my husband-to-be, enabling the idea that because he works that many hours a week, he’s exhausted and im the one who halfly volunteered to stay home because, i just had the baby but, it does not mean he is cut-off from all other responsibilities. 

I am one person, who wears many hats. Yes hunny, i understans your 11 hrs-12 hr shifts a day are super exhausting and draining. It all is in the type of job too..but i work 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, with no benefits, no pay, no bonus, no paid time off, no vacation days. So I hope to god, you’ll find extra strength in you to help me around the house and with the kids after you get home. Of course, only if you love me enough. If not well i guess you’re just in this for insurance money. 

I disapprove of us women having to always defend our partners because we love them and our status in the workforce is “big heart, keep taking, i will always love you”. Please, do yourself a favour..love yourself first, understand to a degree that just because you’re the one already home it doesn’t mean everything else should fall on you! This is a partnership between two people who before kids, were considerate of each other, made sure they were ok emotionally, physically, and everything in between. 

If we as women do not fight for this as their ‘better half’ then we falter in our roles. We falter in our care for ourselves, because we burn out faster. We falter in our ability to lead with love and not resentment. We falter to forget our relationship and the bond that binds it because well at the end of everyday what is left of you, is the tiny spec on the wall that wasn’t covered by god knows what. That spec, thats tired, thats drained, that smell, thats lonely. There has to be a balance between the people who run a family. I’m not a single mom, i am in a relationship that nurtures my ability to love. Then if all the gods, in heaven agree, i must take care of those abilities by not grinding it down to the ground. 

I get it, we’re all entitled to view this sahm differently..but i have to put it out there. This is a partnership, whether it is i am the one at home full-time or vice versa. If working moms could still half-ass manage home too, then so can dads. Its the effort. Its the that part of the working individuals who have a family that remembers to fight for that still because this is not the cot damn 50’s! 

MM, out

‘Take back my peace of mind’

I had managed to finally leave the house for more than errands and coffee runs, but to actually sit down with this heavy laptop and begin to feel the keys for it inspires my next thoughts.

As my finger tap, tap, tap, my heart slowly begins to open, for I’ve already the idea on what this post would become.

Last night I had a coffee date with my new friend, M. She’s been very helpful to me this week with my back pain. She’s offered every day to take Apollo to school and home. I don’t know how I would have survived this week without her. From someone who has a hard time asking for help-not because of pride, but merely because in my head I believe I’m some kind of superhero who can take on everything and get it done! But, this week has proved me wrong, my body has never failed me this bad, and it proved me that just as fast as I can conjure up the outcomes from the needs of my family, I can also fail just as fast.

As we sat outside the coffee shop, braving the cool air, we begin to converse about life. We both realized how much in common we have. She gets most of the things I managed to share with her. I appreciate how observant she is, and how willing she was to be so helpful even though we’ve only met each other over the summer. It’s quite refreshing. She noticed how I didn’t seem myself this week, and that tells me her qualities as a person. I’m glad we met.

Fast forward…

I’ve been feeling out of it lately, just running through tasks as it comes, and not really being present as I get through them. It’s becoming harder and harder to trace the day for me. I wake up, I feel down, I get through the day, and at the end of the night as soon as my head hits the pillow I refuse to close my eyes. I’m afraid that the faster my eyes close, the further I get from myself. The harder the next day will be. The longer the day will be. And time would just swallow me.

A part of me feels stuck for the feelings that linger about my past. I wonder how I can let it go. I wonder how much longer this part of me, that I know nothing about will continue to run my life in the moments it takes. It feels like the more I pretend it isn’t there, the more it begins to eat at me. I haven’t had one moment all week that I’ve forgotten the heartache attached to it. Questions lists itself over and over again in my head, consuming my silence. I look at my children and the moment begins to feel like I don’t know who I am and the room starts spinning, my heart starts racing, and in an instant as soon as my daughter calls out to me, I’m her mom all over again.

One day, I will find the very thing that holds my heart hostage from being able to feel even the slightest bit of joy not for the things I’m already blessed with, but for the things that I cannot find the answers to. One day, I’ll kiss away the pain, like a love that has respect, and kindness but no heart. One day I’ll recover from my roots and be content at what I’ve become instead. 

 

xo, MM

Hello, shock !

It’s been 12 days since I wrote. 12 days since I tried to sit and write. 12 days since I’ve felt motivated to write a post or even think of anything inspiring to share. I don’t know if I have any of that for you today, I’m running kinda low on me. But this is what I got, hear me out.

J and I have always worked hard to achieve our goals in our life together. To be able to take care of our family and keep everyone safe, happy and healthy. But as you know, achieving these things isn’t easy nor does it come without sacrifice. 

J has been working hard and long the last couple of weeks.  It’s been quite a challenging one for the two of us and especially on the kids. They rarely see their dad during the day.  But with most parents who work, this is the reality. Last night after work, J went to a concert with a few of his buddies from work.  Which he deserves. Well this meant, I was alone all day with the kids. He didn’t get home until around 11 p.m. and he was out of the house before the sun even came up. Yesterday was very challenging with Apollo and it proved to me how much I feel like a failure 88% of the time, being his mother.

Apollo had managed to get under my skin, push all the buttons that trigger ‘crazy mom’ and absolutely lose all senses to him that notify him mommy is about to turn hulk. I lost the battle all day and at the end of the night, I just cried. 

It was the girls crying, needing all day, on top of necessary duties around the house. It was feed the kids, change their diapers, wash their hands, give them snack, play with them, talk to them, password for the iPad, change the show, sing to me, carry me, and the day seemed endless. Then you top those requests with 2 second intervals of Apollo’s needs, right now, right here. I lost to yesterday. And I’m still paying for it today. 

I am super exhausted. I’m tired. I cannot adult today nor mother today. So I’m missing steps, forgetting my knows, and I’ve lost more than half of my brain today. 

I realize that in all this, that I can’t do it all. I can’t handle it all. There isn’t enough of me. Today is sad. Today is tired.  Today is a write-off. But there are more days to come, I hope they’re better. 

I have to prepare myself to have more days like yesterday, because sometime soon, J will be deployed for work. This means, I’ll have to do this alone. My way. My rules. Just me. 

I miss J, already. 

from a tired me, 

xo, MM.