Does Taking a Mental Health Day help for Individuals With PPD & PPA? 

I have been a ghost lately with writing, only keeping up with my social media platfoorms sharing specs of my day.

 

“I was merely taking a break and using my mental health day card.”

 

I can’t begin to tell you what it feels like to have fallen into the abyss. Like your soul stuck in the deep, half fighting to get out, looking for some kind of reason to save itself from falling time and time again. I had called it quits on writing, called it quits on connecting with others, networking with others, and just sharing how everything has been stirring in my pot of life.

The truth is, it started off as a ‘break’ and as time lapsed, it became harder and harder to find myself in the things I thought helped me with self-care. 

 

Then, life happened some more. J, had left for Mexico for another work trip lasting two and a half weeks. His return date was the weekend before our wedding. It made it that much harder to go back to my routine, when you have to be present for the kids ALL.THE.TIME. You get no breaks.

“No breaks to pee, no breaks to shower, no breaks to eat a full meal, no breaks!”

Thankfully, a couple of our friends came for Canada Day with their son, to help busy up my eldest, have some adult conversations for a weekend, and have some extra pair of hands for help. Oh was it helpful, indeed!

 

J, finally came home. He got half a day of rest and the next day we were off to Toronto, for our wedding. We would be spending nine days in total in Toronto, getting last minute stuff done, from baby shoes, to haircuts, to mani-pedi, to all the in-between; I lost energy to accomplish before the week of the wedding. The days before the weekend was spent hanging out with our best of friends, and soaking in the time we don’t usually have when we head back home to Toronto for a weekend. It was indeed a good time.

The day of the wedding came, it was beautiful in all of its glory. The ceremony had everyone in tears, including my middle-child who photobombed our kiss. But in all of its awesomeness, is the fact that J and I are officially married.

 

After the wedding, it was a quick jump to seeing houses to choose one to move to from our current. We went back to Toronto the weekend after our wedding to pick-up Apollo from his Grandparents house, since he insisted on staying after the wedding. That weekend, Artemis had been sick with a fever; cranky all weekend. We attended my cousins wedding, and it was back to Windsor. Artemis still cranky, eventually figuring out she has an ear infection, made it that much harder to get on with finding a new house.

The house we currently have is just absurdly huge for two short adults, and three midgets. J spends a lot of time away, leaving me to do the maintenance of the house and in it’s whole. Well it’s just too big to maintain alone, with three kids. Plus, the cost of our rent is up the bazooka. All the hard work J does makes it feel like more than half of what he takes home is rent. Obviously something had to give. So we ended up finding a big enough house to house our family of 5, but making it a little snug with visitors. It’s doable if you divide everyone per room, haha. So, the crazy of packing and moving slowly has commenced and were due to be out of our old rental and into the new one on Friday. The rush is only so we can make my brother-in-laws birthday this weekend, and because J leaves again on the 3rd. So moving on my own with three kids would be one that would send me to the looney bin.

My life seems to be on a serious roller coaster all the time. It’s become so consistent in falls, I’ve stopped getting that feeling you get in your tummy when you suddenly fall. I almost wish I was just stuck in between the fall and landing. Just sit there, as if I was waiting to be rescued from the technical issue.

 

“My one day mental health day, took a long ass daaay and let me tell you why.”

 

When you have PPD & PPA, it isn’t a matter of the moment you’re angry, or sad, or anxious and it goes away. You spend a long moment, sometimes lasting days feeling down, depressed, anxious, worried, in panic, angry and you cannot pin point the root of where it began and what triggered it. An easy day it seems, doesn’t feel that way internally. You lose all motivation in life, what makes you easily smile is crushed into a billion pieces, what wakes you in the morning is no longer appreciation for another day to live with your loved ones, but another day you dread because..well.. waking-up just hurts all of you. Your soul doesn’t feel bruised, it feels like it’s all jumbled-up and no one can take you out of this nasty ‘rut’ you feel.

The sad thing is, it’s all feelings brought up by your mental thoughts. You say, do affirmations, think positive, but it’s not that easy. Your mind, it takes charge, and it takes over every bit of you and controls you from your emotions. It’s on over drive.

 

“Days, weeks, a month has gone by and this ‘thing’ of a feeling has you on a choke-hold, barely allowing you to breathe, and you’ve accepted that drowning is easier than trying to save yourself. It’s all too hard to.”

 

 

 

MM, out!

Breaking (s) point.

I envy those who have a breaking point and step forward from there they begin to heal, they begin to piece things together, they begin to see the light in their darkness.

I’ve had some of those, but it never stuck.

I’m staring at my daughter, looking at her sing in words she babbles to a song she’s never heard before. As she looks at me singing to my soul, in her eyes I wonder if she knows me. Knows me more than mom who fetches her milk, feeds her as she needs, and cradles her to rest. 

I wonder if amidst all the things I do on the daily that’s mostly repetitive from days I could barely remember-if I still know me. 

I’ve been feeling kind of lost. Unasked to settle in the now and find peace in what my life IS NOW. I’m not unhappy in where I am in my life or the people on the daily that blesses me with laughter, kindness, love, friendship, support, and all the good things that kindness brings about. I’m grateful for the family I’ve been blessed to have.  For the life I’ve had to this point. But a part of me still lingers in question and wonder of where I root myself. I wonder if I’ll get out of the funk I’ve been in, feeling complacent, feeling lost, feeling less than accomplished. 

My body has been failing lately. I hate to admit that I can’t do everything, because lord knows I try. But my body is telling me otherwise. My back has been in pain for the last couple of days, feeling worst today. The numbness troubles me, wondering if it’s anything to be alarmed about. But perhaps it’s all just a sign of exhaustion and tiredness. I’m praying it subtles it’s pestering. 

There’s a lot in my head..just can’t find the right thing to express it. Perhaps I hold back on myself too. 

xo, MM 

Mommying Three

Today couldn’t go as planned.
I slept at 1:30 a.m., since Cassi has resorted to the pacifier to sleep.

This is what happens, when the hubby puts the baby to sleep at night. He didn’t know what I meant when I said, Cassi keeps me up at night. I had J, put Cassi to sleep the night before our super long trip to Windsor, ON to see some potential houses (don’t worry that’s part of the news, I’ll get to in the next few write-ups). I thought I’d get all the stuff we needed for the trip ready for the night before since doing it that morning, would never allow us to leave by seven in the morning. Well, J was so ‘exhausted’, and Cassi wouldn’t let him sleep that he thought shoving a soother in her mouth would help. It did! She was asleep in no time. 😑 The first two kids (aK, 7 & Arty, 1) never had to rely on soothers, to sleep. I was determined this time around I’d do the same. But that was broken when I asked J, to help me.

Although, Cassi now falls asleep a lot faster with a soother in her mouth..the struggle to keep it in her mouth is another story, another paragraph. 😧


BTW, I’m blogging from my phone because I just didn’t have the brains to bring a laptop with me to Starbucks when I have two babies. It’s funny, usually they bring laptops to Starbucks-not babies. 😒


There are two types of mom (you know this). There’s the laid back, go with the flow, fun mom who kicks back and takes everything as it comes. No worry. Then there’s mom’s like me, who thinks of everything to the T. Mom’s who obsesses about keeping a list/schedule for every thing that’s happening.

I had prepared the girls bag, aK’s lunch box and my purse last night. Even numbers of diapers for the girls, a pack of wipes, a pair of outfit, milk dispensers, fresh bottles, I got it. Unhealthy Monday lunch, for aK (lunchables, chocolate pudding, cheese and crackers, juice box and a brownie bear paw). Where was my head this morning. Everything in that lunch box is something his dad would pack. 😨 Oh right, having a newborn… you’re absolutely done. You can’t get shit right at this point. There’s no being well prepared like you were during the first born or even the second born’s baby days. I thought I still got it right when Arty was a newborn. Getting ready with two kids, was so easy. Everything was remembered. This time around, my 45 min well ahead of time, ‘prep time’ was a joke. 😐 aK was late for school, like he’s never been late before.


The lady who’s got this swag walk (She’s got a limp) was already heading back through the short-cut, when usually, on my way back she’s just getting to the school. The care-taker even got to the back gate before me, ready to lock me in and make me go all the way around to our street, instead of having access to the short-cut. That’s how late we were. Thankfully, when we got to the school-they have yet to lock the side door where aK enters and exits from. Otherwise, I’d have to go around to the front and have in go inside alone because how does one carry a one year old and a newborn at the same time, when you’re a stumpy, post-preggo, 5’2 gal with no upper strength? Oh you don’t!

I’m sitting at Starbucks, with a half eaten, picked-at croissant, a coffee cake, and a ½ dranked ice coffee, that’d usually finished off by now coz I’ve been sitting here for half an a hour now. I have no energy to eat or even drink. I don’t even know how I’m sitting up right, because I woke up at 3:45 a.m. to feed Cassi and she didn’t go back to sleep after the eating, burping, spitting up, and pacifier ordeal until almost 5 a.m..and then, the alarm went off for J, this morning at 6:10 a.m. and then again at 7:30 a.m. for aK. .

The life of a mom is serious.

Just waiting on J, then we’ve got a doctor’s appointment for Cassi. The day just began, and im already done.

😩😪😪

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