On the Daily w. Mars

As I sit here and try and conjure up a list of things I do throughout the day, as to why I’m so exhausted all the time, I realized the importance of LITTLE THINGS. You see a day in the life of any moms, a stay at home one at that is often misconceived for doing absolutely nothing. So I thought I’d share with you what I do on the daily.

4:15 a.m. 

My alarm goes off to encourage J to get up and not miss his alarm set for fifteen minutes later. While J, usually gets himself up with or without my alarm (though sometimes from exhaustion, he misses his two set time). But as a wife, these are the small things we do for them. In the last few weeks, from being super tired due to being up throughout the night to feed my now one year old, Cassiopeia who still cries for milk at least twice during the night. Lately, Artemis has also been whining for milk at least once during the night. I don’t know why Artemis has started with this, because after she was born she only spent a few months doing this. Then as soon as she learned to sleep through, she was great. Perhaps, more and more as a two year old, her sleep gets disturbed by her baby sisters cries and the only way she knows to get back to sleep is the soothing coolness of milk. With that said, when you go to be past 12 a.m. most nights, and rarely due to the kids, and more because of your brain being incredibly annoying and keeping you up with unbearable thoughts of everything and nothing at the hours of rest-it proves the theory of moms being sleep deprived.

7:10 a.m. 

This is my second alarm for Apollo, the now eight year old who is by law required to go to school like most children. I’ve started giving him the responsibility of waking up with an alarm and helping himself get ready and fix a breakfast he’d rather enjoy. I’ve accepted that my versions of breakfast, as half-fancy as they are, is not something he likes and almost, always, would rather suggest to me what’s better than what I’ve got. Usually Nutella wins. Because nuts aren’t ever allowed these days to school, I often allow it for his once a day intake of all that hazel-nutty goodness. I used to have it for lunch at times as a child. There are tons of good lunches I used to have as a child and not necessarily healthy for you but with the times we live in, everyone is either organic based foods, or something But that’s not really for me to elaborate on, as each parent is entitled to those choices for their family.

Most of the time, Apollo misses his alarm, or will get up, turn it off, turn the lights on in the bathroom, and run the faucet. It racks up my bill for water and hydro by the way, because he’s actually gone to bed to go back to sleep when he does this. Ugh, it makes me so mad. I’d always find myself up there waking him up, and upset at the fact that he’s wasting so much energy and water. But really, it’s because my 8 year old who was just seven before Saturday that just passed, managed to trick me! He’ll spend about 20 minutes brushing his teeth, in between playing and staring at himself in the mirror. He’ll receive another reminder to hurry and that’s usually when he decides to finish pretending to brush his teeth. He’ll then take another 10 minutes getting dress, in between playing with toys or reading a book, because when your kids have no concept of time, or care for time, this is usually how the drill goes. He’ll finally make it downstairs, where his breakfast is waiting, a Nutella sandwich, with a cup of milk, 2 gummy vitamins, and a 1/4 cup of vitamin c. On the off chance that I get him to eat anything else, I’ll offer him, waffles, cereal, or muffins (you probably think how unhealthy). Well that’s all he’d really say yes to, unless i had about two hours to fight him throughout the whole meal time on eating and forcing him to eat what I view as healthy. He’d be late for school, or never make it!

8:45 a.m. 

We leave the house, considering I’ve strapped on Cassi in her car seat, had the middle one dressed in outdoor gear, and we’re moving along out the door, without any fuss. Most morning, the idea of going out the door, into the car is a good thing for my kids. So it’s not always tears, and fighting, and screaming. We get to his school in 3-4 minutes driving to, but if we had to walk like we did last summer, it takes about 25 minutes to get to, and from. So there goes almost an hour of exercise you say.

8:55 a.m. 

We’ve usually returned from dropping off Apollo to school.
I rarely take the girls with me for any types of errands, because it’s either I didn’t have enough time to take with me a diaper bag, or I’d rather feed them breakfast at home and having to get ready again to go out and run errands is just too greatly in exhaustion. I’ve accepted I’m weak, alone, during mornings. That I don’t have the patience to get through the crying, or the need to run around the grocery store chasing a two year old with a baby in a double-stroller. Trust me, I’ve tried the giving them responsibilities and including them in the process. But why?! Why can’t I just grocery in peace. Thus, mos of the time I wait on J to get home from work to do all the errands I require to do. Aside from doctor appointments, or anything else that needs me to do it in the day.

I make the usual eggs, and spam (ham), for Artemis. She’s not a picky eater. She’ll usually want to opt for a Nutella sandwich like her brother, but I’m usually at good at redirecting her wants through voice changes (haha-winning). She’ll have a choice of oatmeal, eggs and spam, or something of left overs she’s filipino enough to have without overthinking the idea of it’s breakfast, these are not breakfast foods.

I then clean up.
I sweep the floor, wash the dishes from the morning, the bottles from the night before, and put away dishes.

9:15 a.m.

The girls take some time to play.
They do this, while I multitask on social media. Whether that means, I check notifications, emails, comments, write, or just browse.

10:30 – 11:30 a.m.

I get the girls to nap. Usually it takes only 15 minutes to get them to sleep, on a good day. If not, it does take the hour to.

11:30 a.m.

I continue finishing up my stuff. Blogs, emails, etc..
I usually tidy up the house, take some time for myself, if I didn’t end up napping with the girls.

1:30 p.m.

Lunch. Clean-up, sweep, and ready to get their older brother from school.

2:30 p.m. 

We head to the school to wait for about an hour, because parking by the fence is easier with the girls without having to take them out of the car to get him from the confinement of the school. It’s hard to get parking by the fence, if you’ve come past 3 p.m.

3:30 p.m.

Apollo is out. We head home and they have snack. Apollo does homework. Nap for the girls.

4:00 p.m. – 5:30 p.m.

I begin making dinner. Prep, cook, and feed the kids. Apollo showers.

5:30 p.m. 

We relax. Well the kids relax.

6:30 p.m. – bedtime

J gets home, and he has dinner. Then it’s time with their dad. If I need to go run errands, I leave after everyone has eaten dinner and is just taking some time to relax. It could be a hockey game watching time, while the girls play, while Apollo gets an hour of screen time. by 7:30 p.m. he gets ready for bed. By 8:00 p.m. he’s in bed. This may be time for tag in terms of him coming out of his room, going back, until he finally falls asleep.

After getting back, I usually do all the dishes that were left after cooking, and eating. I put away any groceries I might have bought. I put a load or two in the wash. I tidy up the kitchen, the play area, get the girls ready for bed and all the bottles ready for the night.

Everyone on most nights is in bed and asleep by 11:00p.m. I take the time after to shower, read through contents online to influence or help me with my blog. I either write, or email back, or anything else I want to do for myself.

12:30 a.m. or 1:00 a.m. 

When I go to sleep.

 

In between these times, there are obviously diaper changes. Somebody at some point was sick. Someone at some point, exploded out of their diapers and I’m washing them up, their pooped-on clothes, and everything in between. There’s the constant fighting, tugging between each other for toys, and everything you can imagine above all the needs and have to’s. 16299789_10154809117160619_2981849759241851080_o

 

 

Breaking (s) point.

I envy those who have a breaking point and step forward from there they begin to heal, they begin to piece things together, they begin to see the light in their darkness.

I’ve had some of those, but it never stuck.

I’m staring at my daughter, looking at her sing in words she babbles to a song she’s never heard before. As she looks at me singing to my soul, in her eyes I wonder if she knows me. Knows me more than mom who fetches her milk, feeds her as she needs, and cradles her to rest. 

I wonder if amidst all the things I do on the daily that’s mostly repetitive from days I could barely remember-if I still know me. 

I’ve been feeling kind of lost. Unasked to settle in the now and find peace in what my life IS NOW. I’m not unhappy in where I am in my life or the people on the daily that blesses me with laughter, kindness, love, friendship, support, and all the good things that kindness brings about. I’m grateful for the family I’ve been blessed to have.  For the life I’ve had to this point. But a part of me still lingers in question and wonder of where I root myself. I wonder if I’ll get out of the funk I’ve been in, feeling complacent, feeling lost, feeling less than accomplished. 

My body has been failing lately. I hate to admit that I can’t do everything, because lord knows I try. But my body is telling me otherwise. My back has been in pain for the last couple of days, feeling worst today. The numbness troubles me, wondering if it’s anything to be alarmed about. But perhaps it’s all just a sign of exhaustion and tiredness. I’m praying it subtles it’s pestering. 

There’s a lot in my head..just can’t find the right thing to express it. Perhaps I hold back on myself too. 

xo, MM 

Baby just drive 

I thought for the longest time that I’d never get my license to drive.  My father was afraid to drive from a traumatic event when he was still a bit young. A truck dragged him. This in turn effected his wonder to drive. We never had a car, we relied on public transportation. It grew on me as I got older, the convenience of going everywhere just by riding one transportation to another. It became a thing for me; riding the public transit as some thrill space.  

As I got older, I just never thought I’d ever go for my license. I didn’t think of ever owning a car. I know absolutely nothing about cars. But time has changed. Motherhood has changed me.

You know that list of motherhood that everyone’s passed around on Facebook? The one where it lists your job as a mother; a cook, a nurse, an song artist, a driver? Yeah, for the longest I thought my list of motherhood is short of one compare to most. I’m not a driver for my kids, because well I don’t ever drive. Today that changed. I know it’s funny of me to be so proud of this, but getting my license kind of opens up doors in my box of parenting. It provides freedom, better access to my requirements, it just gets me out and going to get the things I need done. So yay ! Thanks j, for pushing me to do this. You’re right. It does help! 

In other news; the weather in windsor has been quite crazy hot, lately.  I heard even in Toronto it’s the same.  Luckily tonight we got some thunder, lightning and a crazy amount of rain.  Tomorrow is supposed to carry throughout the day, and then clear on Friday and for the rest of the weekend. We’ve been growing a forest in the backyard.  J doesn’t want to cut the grass because the lawn mower sucks and the grass is all uneven. The yard needs work. Work neither of us are willing to do. So we’ll have to dig for some lawn caretakers. 

Mothering be like; Apollo. Apollo has been on some crazy tip lately. A tip I cannot find the connecting wire to. He’s bearable at times, and times when I swear he’s into this whole ‘bad boy’ persona. I’m just gonna roll my eyes at this because I’ve run out of excuses in my head for what I’m doing wrong. All I’ve really got is brain farts about this topic. #stillstruggling #sevengoingonseventeen 

I really just wanted to update you on my G2 license exam.  But the day has been super long with constantly trying to find the patience to figure stuff out with Apollo on the daily. But you should know, he’s a good kid, with a good heart, and I still love him with my every being. He’s my favourite son, you know! 

xo, MM 

no streams

Here’s my open letter to you.

“An understanding mind, may categorize the reasons you had to give me up. An understanding mind, may have been able to give you peace about the decisions you’ve made. 

Time, and time again, I wonder.

I wonder, why? I wonder, how?

I’m now a mother of two, and a third one, on the way. I wonder, if I ever felt the poverty, the unfairness of life, the unluckiness, the inabilities; even half of what you felt, would I have done the same..oh wait… I know how it feels to struggle. To live, paycheque, to paycheque with a child. How worrying it is to not know where, or how the rent was going to be paid, or any of the bills, for that matter. I know how it feels to buy just enough for what we need because..LIFE!

Would I have given up as easily, as you did? Would I have not tried? Would I have been able to look at my child for the last time, and spend the rest of my life, however, wherever, not being able to look at my kids again?

I wonder, would I have the strength to give them up? Could I have done it?

It isn’t a matter of strong hearts, strong minds, or greediness. 

I could’t. I wouldn’t. I am greedy for it. But I would have died trying to survive, to GIVE MY CHILD a future, MYSELF. I would have died, with them in my arms. 

Maybe I’m stubborn. Maybe I’m irrational. Maybe I’m illogical. 

How could you? Why didn’t you become better, and came back for me? Why wasn’t I enough? What you thought was best for me, also left me in the long run. Are you still proud of your decision? 

The root of the anger, the root of the sadness, the root of my shortcomings, the root of things that I never came to know, and learn, is because you left. I can’t seem to shake off the feeling, the resentment..it eats at me, when the moment presents itself. When those moments arrive, I lose grip of what I’ve worked so hard to mend. All the pieces I’ve managed to glue back together, shattered again.

Now that I’m older, it haunts me more often. It breaks me, more often. It kills me, more often. While I use the happiness, of the blessings that have come from it, I still find myself lost, unable to let go.

You left me, when I couldn’t yet cry out to you. You left me when I couldn’t yet say to you, I’m worth it, just give me a chance. You left me when I couldn’t yet, tell you I can eventually help us. You just gave up.

You just left. And now I’m to just accept it?“

 

xo, MM

 

Repost from Tumblr – December 17, 2015

Sacrifice EVERYTHING

I have saved this video time, and time again. I have never actually sat down and watched this six minute video on Jada Pinkett being a mom. While some of the stuff she said dragged-on, I will say this though… 

Often times, the expectations of MOM’s are so high–that we loose ourselves trying to ‘balance’ everything. Often times, the ones who are more organized, and sergeant about every detail of their life, are the ones who loose their sh*t, about everything. I can attest to this. 


I have spent the last six years of my life as a mother to aK, thinking I’m doing just fine balancing it all. But in the last six years, I’ve had several breakdowns, from exhaustion, and sacrificing everything to be ‘that mom’. What does it even mean to be ‘THAT MOM’?

I don’t want to be just their mom. I want to be an awesome wife, to J. I want to be an awesome ME, so that I can be happy. Happiness isn’t a bad thing. Just because, we’re moms now doesn’t mean we have to forget about ourselves. TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES is really the important key to being able to tend, and care to everyone else that make our family. Our family rely on us for so much, that if all our pieces aren’t pieced together, it will make it that much harder to be the person they need us to be. 

So let me add on to my goal for this year: TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, whatever that means to me. 

  • A coffee break in the morning, before Arty wakes up.
  • A read of an article or two online. 
  • Put on make-up.
  • Get dressed.
  • Blog while Arty naps.
  • Take an hour a day (whatever time of the day to myself).
  • Go out on the weekend, alone.

It is crucial for the health of all moms, to give themselves the sanity they need, to keep their family sane. 

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