Love.

As I sit here and sort through the thoughts in my head, pertaining to the hurt and hate in the world, I can’t help but feel emotional and afraid. 

 

Often than not, as individual families, we get really caught up in what’s just happening with our own, in our own world. It becomes easier to shut out the terrible things happening around us, and we become our own prisoners, in our own homes, in our own minds and we forget how much everyone else matters.

 

No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion…” – Barack Obama, twitter – @BarackObama 

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Photo retrieved from @BarackObama Twitter // link above

 

“I am afraid.”

I am afraid of how much our world is vastly deteriorating, with so much hate, and selfishness.
I am afraid of how our children will grow-up in a world, we’re purposely killing off.
I am afraid of how our children are being filled with hate, and discrimination, and close-minded ideas, because these same kids will co-exist in their future, only to relive the same in history.
I am afraid of the unsettling feeling I have being out and about with my children, because there is so many evil individuals out there, who prefer to hurt others.
I am afraid to live, because my one day will come, and I don’t want to leave my children alone. Alone in a world like this.

 

It is so easy to say be kind, so much harder to do, for some.
It is so easy to say be good, so much harder to do, for some.
It is so easy to say be helpful, so much harder to do, for some.

The problem is not that it’s hard, but rather that people have conditions, and expectations to get in return what they put out. 
The problem is not that it’s hard, but rather that people are selfish with their own “success” first, rather than everyone succeeding together. 
The problem is not that it’s hard, but it’s that no one wants to be on the same level as everyone else.
The problem is not that it’s hard, but because we as humans are egotistical, and conceited. 
The problem is not that it’s hard, but because NO ONE WANTS TO TRY.

 

 

My Open Letter To My Children 

I know the world feels like it’s fallen apart. What we’ve left you with seem so hard to fix. I know it seems what you’re left with is with how terrible humans before you have been. I know it seems like we didn’t care enough to think about how your world would be, after we are gone.
I know it seems like we’ve rooted hate in all of you. I know it seems we’ve taken advantage of nature, and left you with it’s pain. 

 

If there is anything I know deep down in my heart is that for every heart that keeps its purity in good, you can rebuild.

You can make a difference, bigger than you ever think you can.

 

One person, with kindness and love, will transcends in others, as long as you believe always, no matter the circumstance, no matter the failed attempts, there is good in everyone, some just did a very good job shielding it with evil, so that they can always keep a spark of good to continue to fuel them through this series of possession by evil in their hearts. Extend your hand for others, but be conscious of others who take advantage. Give first, always. Do not expect things in return, for it’s better to give than to get. No matter the measurement of success you may attain, nothing feels greater than to give joy to others.

 

Choose love, choose kindness, choose care, choose acceptance of others, choose understanding before judgement, choose intolerance for hate. 

 

Always keep yourselves safe, but in a way that keeps others safe as well. Always keep each other safe, always fight for what’s true and right in your heart. Do not let anyone’s negative and false views influence your thoughts, keep your heart and mind open, and learn from everything. Keep your heart free of hate, your consciousness clean, and always give love, above all else. 

It may seem a tiring road, to have to thread to sift through the bad, to find the good. But just like everything we’re blessed to have in life, there’s always a lesson to learn, and that lesson to be shared. It is always hard at first, but for every try chips away at that and eventually gets to its root and in it is the purest form you can influence.

 

BE KIND, BE GOOD, GIVE LOVE, ALWAYS!

 

 

 

 

MMH, out!

Why I have a Soft spot for Seniors and Why It Matters

For as long as I can remember, anytime I have ever come across and elderly person, I have always extended a hand or have sparked up a conversation with them; wether it was on the Toronto Transit Commission (public transit in Toronto), while walking on the street or anywhere I happened to see one, my heart would always feel a little more light-hearted.

I always wonder why this is, knowing how some elderly individuals can be quite grumpy and rude. I have come across some of those, but while it only affected me in those moments, it still has not changed my views and heart about elder people.

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I’ll share with you something, that perhaps my limitless tenderness for elder people may root from.

 

 

When I was a child, growing up here in Canada, my father’s mother, was still present. She didn’t speak English, was not literate, because her life is a testimony all on its own about what it means to be a sibling, a daughter, and a mother. While all these small disadvantages were present, she was the best cook I have ever met. She was in her way, the most caring through the details of what she did for her family. I wasn’t able to speak to her about her past much, but what she was in rare moments able to share, had an impact in my life.

 

 

I recall as a child, I had stayed over at my cousins (my grandmother lived with my uncle), and we were playing outside when the ice cream truck came playing it’s nostalgic music down the street and soon, my cousin and me were running inside to ask my grandmother for change to buy cones. Oh those soft serve they sold, were the best. We had rushed inside, afraid to miss the ice cream truck and right away my cousin had asked my grandmother for change. She always change, never really knowing how much was what, she had my cousin choose. My cousin had only taken enough for herself, shy and uncomfortable I didn’t ask. I was new to Canada, I had yet to build my relationship with my grandmother. I DON’T think I ever did, make one, in time before her mind drifted and failed her. 

I remember feeling bad, I wasn’t able to get any and my cousin didn’t share. I was probably ten years old. I was, then again, always have been that kind of kid. I felt bad. It wasn’t my grandmother’s fault though. I didn’t expect her to love me as much as she did my cousin, she was after all there when she was born and helped raised her. 

 


 

My grandmother had kept a bowl of candies on her dresser. Candies, no one really touched and she would only distribute in moments where distraction was required. Like the time my cousin and I were fighting and she had separated us, and she had sat me on her bed, gave me candy and I thought “wow, she gave me one”. 
Those small memories of my moments with her, meant enough to me. Never had the experience of growing up with my own grandparents, the time I had with her was enough to know where my family roots from and how much I appreciated her with whatever, which way she raised her family. 

She’s long gone now, passed away several years ago. I still recall visiting her at the old age home, stroking her hair, helping her eat, bringing her flowers and sharing moments with her and my first born. How her face would light up seeing my toddler son, and how she would smile as soon as he came running through the door. She adored little kids. And those are the qualities of grandparents. Their love doesn’t end at their own children, but gets even more amazing when they have grandchildren.

So perhaps, these moments are what keeps my heart ever so forgiving with elder people.

 

 

It’s important we love them and care for them, because they have lived a life to give ours, and are the root of our family. 

 

Always thinking of YOU Nay, xo. 

 

 

MMH, out!

Here Comes Eleven!

Eleven Years, Happy for Eleven

In eleven days, J and I will take each other’s hands, look into each other’s eyes and profess to each other, just for each other what this new milestone in each of our lives mean.

 

In eleven days, it will be the eleventh year that we have said yes, everyday to each other. It will be eleven years that we have been in each other’s lives, helping one another through life. It will be eleven years of friendship. Eleven years of trial & error, learning, and understanding each other. 

 

We have gone through eleven years of fun, eating trips, shopping, movies, and down time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FB_IMG_1498885966096[1]It took me twenty-nine years to find someone who I can call mine. Twenty-nine years, to find someone who can tolerate the imbalance of my nature. Twenty-nine years to find someone who loves me for who I am, and not what he chooses to love of me. Twenty-nine years, for me to realize that while it’s easy for me to give love, it is a lot harder to receive it. But when you have been with someone for eleven years, that person teaches you to love yourself so you can receive love.

 

 

 

Different Individuals, One in The Same

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It has been a roller-coster ride with J. From becoming young parents at twenty-one and twenty-three, not knowing how to be together and raise another, to learning together how to be adults, how to be parents, and how see our differences and how it strengthens us, together.

 

 

It wasn’t all easy. 

As time went, we understood what it meant to be ourselves, and how that bonded us together. It allowed us to give freely to each other, provide limits, and to understand where we stood as individuals, to keep us grounded. It wasn’t all easy. But we said yes each time, anyway.

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“We grew together. We experienced life on our own, together. We learned from one another, and found ways to push each other. “


What I Have Learned These Last Ten Years…

You won’t alnways see eye-to-eye in everything. You won’t always understand each other, in the exact moments you need to. Things won’t ever be perfect. You will be you, and he will be him. But however each of you make it in the end, is a testimony that your faith always led you back together.

We don’t agree on everything. We DO fight. We don’t make decisions alike, but we always know when to find each other. 

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To more years of doing things together, loving one another, looking at each other with laughter, finding fun with each other, and raising three little rascals, together!

“Here’s to looking at you, kid!”

 

 

 

MM, out!

 

 

My Sweet Louise (series) 

PHOTOCREDIT: H.K.


My heart is heavy. My heart aches. My heart is weary and I can’t shake this feeling. 

Though our paths have yet to meet in person, you have left a mark in my heart so great that what you are going through saddens my very soul. 

There has only been one other moment when I cried and hurt for someone else’s pain. The injustice, and unfairness that you and your family suffer from is heavy. I guess it makes me a selfish person to rarely feel for others as much. BUT YOU, you always feel for others, even when you know them, not well. But it takes great pain for me to feel. And your pain is so much, my soul cries. 

Remember in the hardest moments that will soon nag you more than it already has, you are loved. You are missed. Your kindness is missed. Your smile is missed. Your wisdom is missed. But this I know, your love is always close by. And not a moment you are forgotten. Be brave, be strong, keep your heart strong, keep singing and keep praying. 


It is a break to strengthen you more. To spread your experience and strengthen others. You are one of the strongest woman I have ever come to know and God will see you through this. 


I will still be here, when you return.
With lots of love, 

Thelma. 

MM, out! 

Whats the struggle

Someone had posted to find out what’s the one thing they struggle with, either as a parent, or with oneself. 

Here’s one of my struggles:

I HAVE A HARD TIME ADMITTING, I NEED HELP.

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I have a hard time with admitting I need help with anything. I could be struggling so hard, but instead of me asking for help, I wait until I’ve given all my strengths and eventually losing my shit.

I have always been this way. That means, it carries through with my kids, as their mom. Because I fear being judged, and looking incapable, I refuse to take that route right from the get-go.

As a child, I had to do a lot of things alone. I had to help myself. Figure things out on my own. This in turn, leads you through life thinking nobody will help you. That everyone is claimed and everyone is already called for. I on the other hand, being adopted and having to fend for myself had to figure a lot on my own. Go through life thinking if I wanted something, I had to get it. If I needed anything, I had to do it for myself.

The truth is

In this exact moment, I realize how wrong I am. How much moments would have been spared from my craziness, if I had just ASKED FOR HELP.

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There will always be people who judge you. There will always be people who cannot be bothered to help you. But there are good people. There are strangers, there are people you know, who care, and are willing to help you.

The key?

ASK!

 

MM, out!

Lets Get it, TOGETHER!

Alright, alright, settle down..

The kids are all finally asleep..im writing this from my phone so bear with me if it doesn’t come out esthetically correct (c’mon you’re here for more than that)…

Its been an exhausting three days, sort of half way through the week..but when you’re a stay-at-home-mom, the week ending and the weekend finally being here doesn’t really make much of a difference in my books. The only thing that gets a break is the drop-off, pick-up errand, everything else stays the same and more things get added on, like laundry!

Ugh, lots of friggin’ laundry! What in the heavens, did they strike a deal with the laundry god and he’s all bitter about some next dryer lover who broke his heart and now he punishes us moms with a mountain of laundry on a weekly basis? I personally am not the type to do a load a day..i feel like it drives me nuts, having to remember and forget the damn loads. So i prefer the weekends to dedicate to laundry..however many I get done on whatever day. All i know is it gets done. 

I also do major grocery shopping on the weekend..for all necessary lunches, meals, and whatever I’ve forgotten on my short-runs throughout the week. I go out during the week for small purchases like milk, eggs, bread, and produce. So the weekend is nice for stocked fridge! 

I have feel feeling extra beat this week, maybe because we had two of my kids birthday over the weekend, and the in-laws were over. I mean one night, almost 2 days is really not that long but its exhausting! I think because I’ve only ever fancied having people at my house, now that we could house extended persons, I’m not used to it. I mean my hands were nonestop under running faucet, and at the end of Saturday night, they were dry and hurting I couldn’t open a gatorade bottle. So leading into this week, i was already done before it could even start! 

So obviously you’re kinda seeing through my rant that this leads to a question someone else asked…

I am part of a few mom groups on facebook (yes, yes i am. Let me know if you want in *insert nose rub here*). I am because being a sahm is lonely at times and the only other adult conversations i have are done with my fingers (wait a second don’t take that the wrong way), even laughing because being able to share experiences, relate, get advice is all that easy and hard at the same time. 

So one of the members post: 

I am a stay at home mom, in your opinion should the home maintenance load be shared with your husband if he’s working full time? Or should i take it all as my responsibility since i dont work? My husband is great at picking up after himself but thats usually all he does

Some of the response in the first few were all summed-up to, “well my husband works 50-60 hr work weeks, and he plays with the kids” or “we made a deal before the baby that I’d stay home and he’d work” or “he works really long hours, so i do most of it and thats fine”…ok back it up for a second. I know that i’m as guilty as some of these women, defending my husband-to-be, enabling the idea that because he works that many hours a week, he’s exhausted and im the one who halfly volunteered to stay home because, i just had the baby but, it does not mean he is cut-off from all other responsibilities. 

I am one person, who wears many hats. Yes hunny, i understans your 11 hrs-12 hr shifts a day are super exhausting and draining. It all is in the type of job too..but i work 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, with no benefits, no pay, no bonus, no paid time off, no vacation days. So I hope to god, you’ll find extra strength in you to help me around the house and with the kids after you get home. Of course, only if you love me enough. If not well i guess you’re just in this for insurance money. 

I disapprove of us women having to always defend our partners because we love them and our status in the workforce is “big heart, keep taking, i will always love you”. Please, do yourself a favour..love yourself first, understand to a degree that just because you’re the one already home it doesn’t mean everything else should fall on you! This is a partnership between two people who before kids, were considerate of each other, made sure they were ok emotionally, physically, and everything in between. 

If we as women do not fight for this as their ‘better half’ then we falter in our roles. We falter in our care for ourselves, because we burn out faster. We falter in our ability to lead with love and not resentment. We falter to forget our relationship and the bond that binds it because well at the end of everyday what is left of you, is the tiny spec on the wall that wasn’t covered by god knows what. That spec, thats tired, thats drained, that smell, thats lonely. There has to be a balance between the people who run a family. I’m not a single mom, i am in a relationship that nurtures my ability to love. Then if all the gods, in heaven agree, i must take care of those abilities by not grinding it down to the ground. 

I get it, we’re all entitled to view this sahm differently..but i have to put it out there. This is a partnership, whether it is i am the one at home full-time or vice versa. If working moms could still half-ass manage home too, then so can dads. Its the effort. Its the that part of the working individuals who have a family that remembers to fight for that still because this is not the cot damn 50’s! 

MM, out

Every Piece of You

There is without a doubt that motherhood takes a tole on everything that is you!
From your health, to your physical standing, to your emotional state, to your eating habits, to your washroom routine, to your sleeping routine, to everything else in between.

I don’t know how many times I’ve had carpal tunnel from the repetitive work of motherhood.

I don’t know how many times, I’ve missed meals from making sure my kids are fed, and whatever I have decided to eat instead..made it into their tummies and I’m not even mad about it. Sometimes, I sneak it into the bathroom by the kitchen because I don’t have a walk-in pantry that I can lock and my bathroom in my room, doesn’t lock..just so i can take a quick min to eat something. When i say quick, i mean quick before they noticed you’re gone. 

I don’t know how many times I’ve gotten sick from the germs they bring home, only to not get any rest time because, that’s not what motherhood is about (Am I right, or am I right moms)!

I don’t know how many times, I’ve had to sort of “forget” my emotions, or at least I think I’m forgetting it, only to seep in on times I’d rather not have it. AND I LOSE IT, every single time! 

I don’t ever take my washroom breaks seriously, because I always have a full audience, mischievously going through my monthly stacked of pads, make-up, and other things I store in a washroom/bathroom.

Don’t even get me started on sleeping. What is that? Who does this? 

Amidst all this that seem so hard to sacrifice on days when I literally wish I can just be alone for the rest of my life, my precious children who drive me nuts on the daily, are everything I can ever ask for in life. The blessing, to be their mother, their friend, their provider, their protector, the teacher of love, understanding, care, and everything we moms are responsible for on the daily, is everything I could ever want out of my life.

I am always grateful, and thankful for being able to be a mom and have the opportunity to have my own little mini-me’s to live life and to be my legacies, if nothing more.

 

MM

 

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Becoming MRS

Most of the ones who know J and I, know we’re merely Common Law partners. We have been together for the last ten years. In ten years, we’ve managed to complete goals together like post-secondary while have a toddler, and then another within that five year. In ten years, we’ve also been blessed with three kids. Above all, we’ve gone through and have surpassed most of the challenges that life has thrown at us.

We are anything but a typical couple, from the way we show we care and love each other, to how we allow others to perceive us as individuals and as partners through this life. We didn’t always think of marriage. The marriage talk didn’t come until much later in our relationship. It wasn’t because we didn’t think it was important or something we’d ever do. It was just something we didn’t feel was right for us, as soon as we had our first child. I guess you could say we’re a bit backwards with life’s events.

He recently proposed to me a couple of months ago, with Wonder Woman’s tiara from Mcdonalds, as he laid on the floor of the playroom, and our two younger ones circling around us. It was perfect in it’s own way. A much subtle proposal as I had asked of him. I didn’t want a huge, extravagant, extra kind of proposal. I am not the type of girl that dreamed of this one day, or played dress-up imagining my wedding day with my prince charming. It was perfect in all of it’s way!

July is the big day, and I am as excited as someone who marriage is the first step into being adult. I am excited because we finally get to explore this chapter of our relationship where I become Mrs, and he my legal husband.

We will be having a civil wedding, with 33 guests, along with our three beautiful children. I am so happy that my children get to be part of this day.

It’s crazy how life rolls on through. Being one who never saw this coming, it gives me such an amazing feeling to become his wife, even though we’ve got ten years, and three kids under our belt already.

Anyone else, was, is, in the future, in the same position?

MM

 

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no streams

Here’s my open letter to you.

“An understanding mind, may categorize the reasons you had to give me up. An understanding mind, may have been able to give you peace about the decisions you’ve made. 

Time, and time again, I wonder.

I wonder, why? I wonder, how?

I’m now a mother of two, and a third one, on the way. I wonder, if I ever felt the poverty, the unfairness of life, the unluckiness, the inabilities; even half of what you felt, would I have done the same..oh wait… I know how it feels to struggle. To live, paycheque, to paycheque with a child. How worrying it is to not know where, or how the rent was going to be paid, or any of the bills, for that matter. I know how it feels to buy just enough for what we need because..LIFE!

Would I have given up as easily, as you did? Would I have not tried? Would I have been able to look at my child for the last time, and spend the rest of my life, however, wherever, not being able to look at my kids again?

I wonder, would I have the strength to give them up? Could I have done it?

It isn’t a matter of strong hearts, strong minds, or greediness. 

I could’t. I wouldn’t. I am greedy for it. But I would have died trying to survive, to GIVE MY CHILD a future, MYSELF. I would have died, with them in my arms. 

Maybe I’m stubborn. Maybe I’m irrational. Maybe I’m illogical. 

How could you? Why didn’t you become better, and came back for me? Why wasn’t I enough? What you thought was best for me, also left me in the long run. Are you still proud of your decision? 

The root of the anger, the root of the sadness, the root of my shortcomings, the root of things that I never came to know, and learn, is because you left. I can’t seem to shake off the feeling, the resentment..it eats at me, when the moment presents itself. When those moments arrive, I lose grip of what I’ve worked so hard to mend. All the pieces I’ve managed to glue back together, shattered again.

Now that I’m older, it haunts me more often. It breaks me, more often. It kills me, more often. While I use the happiness, of the blessings that have come from it, I still find myself lost, unable to let go.

You left me, when I couldn’t yet cry out to you. You left me when I couldn’t yet say to you, I’m worth it, just give me a chance. You left me when I couldn’t yet, tell you I can eventually help us. You just gave up.

You just left. And now I’m to just accept it?“

 

xo, MM

 

Repost from Tumblr – December 17, 2015

LoverFriends

Do you ever wonder when you’ll meet ‘the one’? Ever wonder when you’ll get to marry your prince charming? If you’ll live the rest of your life like a fairytale?

I’ve never been the kind of girl who dreamed up her wedding day, her wedding dress, or the kind of guy I’ll marry. I never believed in fairy tales, and the only reason why I love ‘The Beauty & The Beast’ is because, she sacrificed herself for her Father. Time, and time again I cry to the same part when her dad was in the forest, afraid, and had to leave his daughter.

In high-school I thought, if I had to, I’d marry a rich, old man who is close to dying, and I would burry him, and take all his fortune.

I never thought about kids either, especially when I’ve spent my whole life thinking, I’m undeserving of a family, or for that matter anyone to love me.

J, and I don’t keep track of the years we’ve been together. We don’t have an anniversary either, because we can’t seem to recall when we actually began dating. We enjoyed each other’s company, and we hung out, and I don’t know when that even began and ended. So, we’re not big on special-couples events.

Though we don’t know our special-date, what I do know is, the first time we began dating, I loved him. I loved him, in that way where butterflies shoot out of your stomach; where your heart flutters like it’s singing a carol.

J, was, and sometimes still is, that guy who falls under ‘the bad boy’ type. That’s probably what I love the most about him. I didn’t have to be good all the time, I had fun with him, we laughed all the time, there were no pressure to be anyone, or anything. He was my friend.

He was there through the bad stuff. He was there for the good stuff. He’s still there for all the things I hope for, and want to achieve. He supports me in all that I do, supports me in all that I say (even when he doesn’t agree), he dreams with me, he achieves things with me, I love him for all that he is for me, and for us.

 

xo, MM

 

 

Repost from Tumblr – December 6, 2015

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