It’s really Late

I find myself most nights unable to sleep. Sleep in peace. Have peace in my mind and my heart. So much things linger in my head, as if everything is just floating in the air and I’m finding ways to relate to all of it.

I hate how my mind makes me feel. As if I’m on some constant race to figure all the meaning of life. I can put meaning to a lot of things, rarely it being true or right.

I lay there, and wonder. 

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After twenty-seven years, I would hope I’m over all the sad thoughts that are so mediocre about being an adoptee. After so many years, I thought I’ve mastered not feeling, thinking, or wondering about where I began. But the truth is, as often, as I find these thoughts in the back burner, they linger, annoyingly, finding themselves tag along to “wishful wants” I see on the daily.

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The truth is, the pain still sticks. The pain still catches on. The pain still wonders. 

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I look at my children, and I see how loved they are. Someone who never truly understood what it means to love or to be there for anyone or for anyone to love them back. But my children, who, Isometimes, envy.

They’ll always be loved, needed, wanted, fought for, and be someone’s world.

xo, MM

 

 

Repost from Tumblr – December 5, 2015

only the leaves fall

I pride myself on being a strong character. Determined. Strong-willed. Intelligent. Analytical. Considerate. Honest. And the list goes on. But having to maintain those list of characteristics, is probably the reason why I’m insane. 

I have always feared, knocking one of the balls off, out of the juggle. Always calling things, before they even show possibility of failing. That also backfires, sometimes. 

I fear failure. I fear losing. I fear second-best. 

Why?

Because as far as I can remember, I have always failed, and that leads to losing, and that leads to, second-best. You get tossed out. You get left behind. You get the wrong side of the stick. You get laughed at. You get mocked. You get put in the deep hole, and it’s the hole they choose for you. 

So, I choose crazy

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