Mothering without a Mom

I had spent the last few days contemplating on writing about this. A topic I rarely find easy to share about. I didn’t want to time it where it was close to Mother’s Day and ruin it for anyone else.

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“I know this may not be the same story for everyone but it is something I struggle with every Mother’s Day.”

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As a child, I spent a lot of time with extended families who babysat me for my Dad. Aunts, friends, and neighbours. I spent much of my childhood having to move around and never really being in one place. I was raised by my aunt (my dad’s sister-in-law), from the age of three to nine. She did end up leaving to come to Canada when I was seven. Her oldest son who was left behind, his wife and their baby would end up taking over. It would be another two years before I would leave to Canada. I was nine years old.

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What I have learned from studying in the field of education with children is that, the first six years of a child’s life is the most critical for parents to invest the time in. It’s so important for their development, and what that time contributes to who they’re becoming.

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I remember as a child thinking my aunt was my mom. I fought for her attention, fought with my cousins that I was no different from them. I did things to gain her love. I wanted to be hers, and I wanted to be claimed, someones. When she left, I was devastated. Like a piece of my soul chipped at, for losing someone closest to a mom. I was so excited to see her again when I came to Canada, but her view of me would change. There would be a wall between us, that separated me from her. She had her own family, I wasn’t hers. I couldn’t have her. A few years down the line, that broken line would have her betray me. I trusted her, I thought she cared about me, and she would out me like a bad story. The part of me who loved her is now gone. It still makes me sad.

Don’t go chasing something that was never meant to be yours.

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I would later on try to build bonds with my dad’s women friends, the moms of my friends, and every other moms I would later on meet. The heartbreak it came with, was so overwhelming. To constantly fail at being someones. I tried so hard to be wanted. I just wanted what everyone had. I wanted that nurturing love, that love that’s there when your world is crumbling down, when your heart is hurting so bad, that love that comes so unconditionally because, YOU ARE HERS.

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All my failures at finding HER in others, eventually made me feel numb. I stopped looking. I stopped wanting that. I stopped caring. It would eventually sit in the back burner where a ton of my experiences have been sitting and burning away.

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JUST LET GO…

Here I am, a mother of three. The most wonderful accomplishment in my life. The chance I never got to have for me, but now I’m giving to my three beautiful children. Every mother’s day, my heart hurts. It hurts for what I can’t fully celebrate. A day I don’t really care for. But also a day that brings me so much pride. I am a Mother!

Apollo

Artemis

Cassiopeia

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Ryan Jon’s Mother’s Day Message

Wherever you are…

“Time has passed. I’ve mourn your loss. I wonder at times, if you’re okay. If you’re still alive. If you ever thought of me. The most painful thing for me is being angry with you. It affects me at any given moment. I wonder how it would have been if you were here. Do I have siblings? I would love that. Did you ever come looking for me? Did I mean much to you, even after you left? If you could have the chance to see me now, would you? Why did you give me away? Why didn’t you fight for me? Why wasn’t I enough? Does your heart hurt the way mine does, because we share one. If you could see me now, would you be proud? You’re a grandmother to three beautiful babies. I am everything, you never was. Sure you struggled. Sure you were alone. Why did he leave you? Does he even know about me? I don’t know anything about this part of me. I wish you had left me with something. I wish you had fought harder. I wish that the time I lost, is a struggle you battle each and every day. I am broken, I am hurt. I needed you. I wanted you. I just needed you to look back. This is something I will forever carry in my heart. As time lapse, I hope for one thing only, to let go of you and stop the heartbreak.
— Happy Mother’s Day, from the daughter you never had.–“

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HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL OF YOU!

To all the moms out there who grind each and every day for their little loved ones, to the ones who have lost theirs, to the ones who are trying to have just one, to the ones who had no choice but to give theirs up, to ones doing it all alone, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU. You are most loved, no matter what!

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Apollo, Artemis & Cassiopeia

“I’m not always the mom you want me to be. But I will always be the mom, you need. I won’t always do things right, I won’t always give you everything you want. But I will always be here by your side, to hold your hand through anything and everything. I will always love you from the depths of my soul. For all the moments you feel defeated, know I am always cheering you on. I will always help you get up again. I will do things you won’t always understand, but know that in everything I do..I do it because I love you. I hope nothing but for you guys to grow up to be kind people. To love one another through everything and be there for each other, always. I pray for you that your life be full and blessed. I pray that your heart achieves all the things you want in this world. Even when time has gone, remember always that Mom loves you forever.”

♥

MM, out!

Becoming MRS

Most of the ones who know J and I, know we’re merely Common Law partners. We have been together for the last ten years. In ten years, we’ve managed to complete goals together like post-secondary while have a toddler, and then another within that five year. In ten years, we’ve also been blessed with three kids. Above all, we’ve gone through and have surpassed most of the challenges that life has thrown at us.

We are anything but a typical couple, from the way we show we care and love each other, to how we allow others to perceive us as individuals and as partners through this life. We didn’t always think of marriage. The marriage talk didn’t come until much later in our relationship. It wasn’t because we didn’t think it was important or something we’d ever do. It was just something we didn’t feel was right for us, as soon as we had our first child. I guess you could say we’re a bit backwards with life’s events.

He recently proposed to me a couple of months ago, with Wonder Woman’s tiara from Mcdonalds, as he laid on the floor of the playroom, and our two younger ones circling around us. It was perfect in it’s own way. A much subtle proposal as I had asked of him. I didn’t want a huge, extravagant, extra kind of proposal. I am not the type of girl that dreamed of this one day, or played dress-up imagining my wedding day with my prince charming. It was perfect in all of it’s way!

July is the big day, and I am as excited as someone who marriage is the first step into being adult. I am excited because we finally get to explore this chapter of our relationship where I become Mrs, and he my legal husband.

We will be having a civil wedding, with 33 guests, along with our three beautiful children. I am so happy that my children get to be part of this day.

It’s crazy how life rolls on through. Being one who never saw this coming, it gives me such an amazing feeling to become his wife, even though we’ve got ten years, and three kids under our belt already.

Anyone else, was, is, in the future, in the same position?

MM

 

On the Daily w. Mars

As I sit here and try and conjure up a list of things I do throughout the day, as to why I’m so exhausted all the time, I realized the importance of LITTLE THINGS. You see a day in the life of any moms, a stay at home one at that is often misconceived for doing absolutely nothing. So I thought I’d share with you what I do on the daily.

4:15 a.m. 

My alarm goes off to encourage J to get up and not miss his alarm set for fifteen minutes later. While J, usually gets himself up with or without my alarm (though sometimes from exhaustion, he misses his two set time). But as a wife, these are the small things we do for them. In the last few weeks, from being super tired due to being up throughout the night to feed my now one year old, Cassiopeia who still cries for milk at least twice during the night. Lately, Artemis has also been whining for milk at least once during the night. I don’t know why Artemis has started with this, because after she was born she only spent a few months doing this. Then as soon as she learned to sleep through, she was great. Perhaps, more and more as a two year old, her sleep gets disturbed by her baby sisters cries and the only way she knows to get back to sleep is the soothing coolness of milk. With that said, when you go to be past 12 a.m. most nights, and rarely due to the kids, and more because of your brain being incredibly annoying and keeping you up with unbearable thoughts of everything and nothing at the hours of rest-it proves the theory of moms being sleep deprived.

7:10 a.m. 

This is my second alarm for Apollo, the now eight year old who is by law required to go to school like most children. I’ve started giving him the responsibility of waking up with an alarm and helping himself get ready and fix a breakfast he’d rather enjoy. I’ve accepted that my versions of breakfast, as half-fancy as they are, is not something he likes and almost, always, would rather suggest to me what’s better than what I’ve got. Usually Nutella wins. Because nuts aren’t ever allowed these days to school, I often allow it for his once a day intake of all that hazel-nutty goodness. I used to have it for lunch at times as a child. There are tons of good lunches I used to have as a child and not necessarily healthy for you but with the times we live in, everyone is either organic based foods, or something But that’s not really for me to elaborate on, as each parent is entitled to those choices for their family.

Most of the time, Apollo misses his alarm, or will get up, turn it off, turn the lights on in the bathroom, and run the faucet. It racks up my bill for water and hydro by the way, because he’s actually gone to bed to go back to sleep when he does this. Ugh, it makes me so mad. I’d always find myself up there waking him up, and upset at the fact that he’s wasting so much energy and water. But really, it’s because my 8 year old who was just seven before Saturday that just passed, managed to trick me! He’ll spend about 20 minutes brushing his teeth, in between playing and staring at himself in the mirror. He’ll receive another reminder to hurry and that’s usually when he decides to finish pretending to brush his teeth. He’ll then take another 10 minutes getting dress, in between playing with toys or reading a book, because when your kids have no concept of time, or care for time, this is usually how the drill goes. He’ll finally make it downstairs, where his breakfast is waiting, a Nutella sandwich, with a cup of milk, 2 gummy vitamins, and a 1/4 cup of vitamin c. On the off chance that I get him to eat anything else, I’ll offer him, waffles, cereal, or muffins (you probably think how unhealthy). Well that’s all he’d really say yes to, unless i had about two hours to fight him throughout the whole meal time on eating and forcing him to eat what I view as healthy. He’d be late for school, or never make it!

8:45 a.m. 

We leave the house, considering I’ve strapped on Cassi in her car seat, had the middle one dressed in outdoor gear, and we’re moving along out the door, without any fuss. Most morning, the idea of going out the door, into the car is a good thing for my kids. So it’s not always tears, and fighting, and screaming. We get to his school in 3-4 minutes driving to, but if we had to walk like we did last summer, it takes about 25 minutes to get to, and from. So there goes almost an hour of exercise you say.

8:55 a.m. 

We’ve usually returned from dropping off Apollo to school.
I rarely take the girls with me for any types of errands, because it’s either I didn’t have enough time to take with me a diaper bag, or I’d rather feed them breakfast at home and having to get ready again to go out and run errands is just too greatly in exhaustion. I’ve accepted I’m weak, alone, during mornings. That I don’t have the patience to get through the crying, or the need to run around the grocery store chasing a two year old with a baby in a double-stroller. Trust me, I’ve tried the giving them responsibilities and including them in the process. But why?! Why can’t I just grocery in peace. Thus, mos of the time I wait on J to get home from work to do all the errands I require to do. Aside from doctor appointments, or anything else that needs me to do it in the day.

I make the usual eggs, and spam (ham), for Artemis. She’s not a picky eater. She’ll usually want to opt for a Nutella sandwich like her brother, but I’m usually at good at redirecting her wants through voice changes (haha-winning). She’ll have a choice of oatmeal, eggs and spam, or something of left overs she’s filipino enough to have without overthinking the idea of it’s breakfast, these are not breakfast foods.

I then clean up.
I sweep the floor, wash the dishes from the morning, the bottles from the night before, and put away dishes.

9:15 a.m.

The girls take some time to play.
They do this, while I multitask on social media. Whether that means, I check notifications, emails, comments, write, or just browse.

10:30 – 11:30 a.m.

I get the girls to nap. Usually it takes only 15 minutes to get them to sleep, on a good day. If not, it does take the hour to.

11:30 a.m.

I continue finishing up my stuff. Blogs, emails, etc..
I usually tidy up the house, take some time for myself, if I didn’t end up napping with the girls.

1:30 p.m.

Lunch. Clean-up, sweep, and ready to get their older brother from school.

2:30 p.m. 

We head to the school to wait for about an hour, because parking by the fence is easier with the girls without having to take them out of the car to get him from the confinement of the school. It’s hard to get parking by the fence, if you’ve come past 3 p.m.

3:30 p.m.

Apollo is out. We head home and they have snack. Apollo does homework. Nap for the girls.

4:00 p.m. – 5:30 p.m.

I begin making dinner. Prep, cook, and feed the kids. Apollo showers.

5:30 p.m. 

We relax. Well the kids relax.

6:30 p.m. – bedtime

J gets home, and he has dinner. Then it’s time with their dad. If I need to go run errands, I leave after everyone has eaten dinner and is just taking some time to relax. It could be a hockey game watching time, while the girls play, while Apollo gets an hour of screen time. by 7:30 p.m. he gets ready for bed. By 8:00 p.m. he’s in bed. This may be time for tag in terms of him coming out of his room, going back, until he finally falls asleep.

After getting back, I usually do all the dishes that were left after cooking, and eating. I put away any groceries I might have bought. I put a load or two in the wash. I tidy up the kitchen, the play area, get the girls ready for bed and all the bottles ready for the night.

Everyone on most nights is in bed and asleep by 11:00p.m. I take the time after to shower, read through contents online to influence or help me with my blog. I either write, or email back, or anything else I want to do for myself.

12:30 a.m. or 1:00 a.m. 

When I go to sleep.

 

In between these times, there are obviously diaper changes. Somebody at some point was sick. Someone at some point, exploded out of their diapers and I’m washing them up, their pooped-on clothes, and everything in between. There’s the constant fighting, tugging between each other for toys, and everything you can imagine above all the needs and have to’s.