I remember the first time I held you. I cried. I cried because I was so scared, my body wasn’t strong enough to keep you safe and healthy.
I had been sick a week before I had you with the worst flu. I was in the hospital on New Years Eve, alone because your Dad had to stay with your brother. No one could watch him, because everyone had been sick.
I laid in that bed, missing your Dad, and brother on the night of a new year. But I wasn’t alone, because you were there with me. Your heart was slowing down, because my fever had been so high. They had to keep me over night, so they could monitor you.
The day of your birth, the contractions effected your heart rate. They had to deliver you with help. You had a cone head, sorry. I thought the pain would never end, I felt all of it, for a much longer period of time, than with your brother. I was brainlessly not pressing the button to administer more drugs to numb my bottom half so the pain wouldn’t be so crazy. But when you came out…
The world had stopped. The tears began to fall. What I had feared, has arrived. I was afraid to have you. To have a girl. Because, everything that I am took buckets of tears, and long, lonely nights. I never wanted you to feel an ounce of it. I never want to see your heart break, because as girls, we feel more. I didn’t want to see your disappointments, because we have a harder time accepting them. I didn’t want to ever see tears fall from your eyes, because when they do, it tends to hurt more. But you were here, and I was going to have to do whatever it takes to help you become stronger than I am, help you through the toughest moments in life, because I am, your mother.
We had spent the night sleeping in our bed, alone. We left the kids with the Grandparents in fear we would have to wake them in the middle of the night, to head to the hospital to meet Cassi. It was a long night. We got home around 2:30 in the morning, after almost half an hour of cleaning the snow off the car. The snow storm was happening, we’re heading home in hopes to get some rest before ‘the big push’. J, played some video games for a few hours, and then spent an hour browsing through photographs of Arty on his phone because it was the first time, since she was born to sleep away from us. She had never slept without us before. No one slept that night. Not even the eldest (aK), because, as excited as he was to sleep over at his grandparents (which he’s used to in comparison to his sister), it’s not often or close together in time that he’s used to it.
The next day has grazed us with it’s aftermath of the storm. It’s past noon, and we’ve finally pulled ourselves out of bed to meet the kids at the grandparents. Oh was it a sweet moment to see the kids, after a night without them. The day had passed, with countless trips to the bathroom, bouncing on the work-out ball, walking aimlessly back-and-forth from the kitchen to the living room, pass the dining room. I’m hoping this baby just slips out because I’m about done waiting. J and I decided we’d sleep over since it was really hard to sleep without the kids. I couldn’t sleep. I had showered after our short trip to Walmart; a trip to help get this baby out. It’s past 2 a.m., J had fallen asleep on the chair waiting on me, to watch Miss Congeniality on Netflix. I sent him to his mom’s room, to sleep with Arty, so she can sleep well that night. I sat up on the rocking chair, hoping to fall asleep with the current show playing. I could feel my eyes slowly closing. It’s past 3 a.m., I’ve turned off all the lights and decided I’d fall asleep on the rocking chair.
It’s 6:45 a.m., and of course, the washroom calls again. Ooh, there’s some kind of cramping feeling, but a different type of cramping. Ooh, it feels a little more painful, a little more longer than your regular cramping feeling. I think this is it. I had breakfast before we headed to the hospital around 10 a.m. I managed to get J, to shower beforehand.
This was it!
It took a few before I was able to get a bed, to get examined. But, the pain wasn’t so bad, so it wasn’t that crazy of a wait.
The doctor came to examine me, of course he had a student doctor with him. HIM. Yes, the doctor was a male, and with him was a male student doctor. As if it wasn’t already uncomfortable being examined. I don’t know about you guys, but I absolutely cannot stand having a male doctor check me internally. It is so uncomfortable for me. He happened to say I was still 3 cm dilated, as I was the day before. Not much has changed. Dr. P., the same doctor that delivered Arty, was the same doctor that would eventually deliver Cassi that night. I was advised, after being checked the second time by Dr. P., that I should walk around for about two and a half hours and return, to see the progression. So off J, and I went.
Yes, this is J, pretending to be in labour. Of course, he’s making fun of me, from the last time we were in these hallways. I had struggled in pain with Arty for quite a few hours before the nurses decided to admit me. Unfortunately, I didn’t find out until afterwards that it was due to not having any delivery beds available. There were so many women giving birth at the same time, I had to wait for a bed. Yes, imagine the pain! This was J, and I roaming the hallways in the maternity ward. We went off to see ‘Jesus’ by the cafeteria washroom that scared J, when he came out-the last time we were at the hospital. We ate some food, walked around, and ended up back by the examination section of the maternity ward. A new nurse, taking on the shift change decided to examine me again before my advised two hour walk ended. They offered to break my water for me, and help start active labour. Well, the contractions were finally becoming more consistent, and a little more painful than when I first arrived at the hospital. Dr.P., is said to ‘make things happen’. She definitely got the ball rolling. after she checked how far along I was. They were ready to admit me, so they can break my water. I informed them asap, I wanted the epidural, before the pain got unbearable, like it did with Arty. It was a little past 2 p.m., the doctor was just in the delivery room doing a C-section, and he’d be by to give me my needle, right after.
SCOLIOSIS. It turns out, during the administration of my epidural, that I have scoliosis. It took a lot longer to administer the epidural and to get the needle right where it’s supposed to be. It hurt more this time around, and it was definitely a challenging process both for the doctor and me. I cried, like ugly cry. The snot dripping out of my nose, because I’m crouched down on a pillow, ever so uncomfortably, with only J’s hands to soothe me. I didn’t hate him though. Finally, the needle was in.
What a relief! From this point on, the story is…birthing a human baby is one of the toughest thing a woman can ever go through. It’s tough on your body, mind, soul. It requires strength that you don’t normally have. It requires, so much love to get through. But worth everything, and then some when it is all finished.
March 3rd., 7:30 p.m., Cassiopeia Reine was born. She weighed 6lbs 11oz.
I’m having trouble sleeping.
I figured why not update you guys. I’m writing from my phone, so the quality of this post will not be up to par, in terms of my expectations.
My due date is March 5th. It’s literally two days away, but at my last OB appointment on Tuesday, my doctor examined me to see how far along the baby was. I happened to be 3cm dilated. She also scraped the membrane to help with getting things going. She said, I wouldn’t last to the weekend, and that I would the baby either that night or the day after, at some point. Its now, 2:28 a.m. Thursday. Still no baby! I thought the bloody mucus discharge you get meant it’s almost that time, since both times before, thats what happened. It seems the snow storm passing, the roads being shovelled, and the side walks being salted, has come and gone, and this baby is just not ready.
What is it about Pisces? Such stubborn people. LOL
I spent the day bouncing on an excercise ball, walking around the house, walking for 45 mins at Walmart, eating spicy chicken, and even allowing my brother-in-law to drive me over bumps (since he was responsible for aK’s arrival, seven years ago). I’m praying to God, she comes today at some point.
I know, I sound crazy, seemingly rushing Cassi to come out; especially with already knowing the process of labour, but…i’m so tired of being pregnant (two yrs in a row). I’m tired of not being able to do much because i’ve grown so much, it’s just impossible at this point. I’ve got packing to do for our move, that I have yet to figure out. I just need Cassi out. 😕