My heart is heavy. My heart aches. My heart is weary and I can’t shake this feeling.
Though our paths have yet to meet in person, you have left a mark in my heart so great that what you are going through saddens my very soul.
There has only been one other moment when I cried and hurt for someone else’s pain. The injustice, and unfairness that you and your family suffer from is heavy. I guess it makes me a selfish person to rarely feel for others as much. BUT YOU, you always feel for others, even when you know them, not well. But it takes great pain for me to feel. And your pain is so much, my soul cries.
Remember in the hardest moments that will soon nag you more than it already has, you are loved. You are missed. Your kindness is missed. Your smile is missed. Your wisdom is missed. But this I know, your love is always close by. And not a moment you are forgotten. Be brave, be strong, keep your heart strong, keep singing and keep praying.
It is a break to strengthen you more. To spread your experience and strengthen others. You are one of the strongest woman I have ever come to know and God will see you through this.
Most of the ones who know J and I, know we’re merely Common Law partners. We have been together for the last ten years. In ten years, we’ve managed to complete goals together like post-secondary while have a toddler, and then another within that five year. In ten years, we’ve also been blessed with three kids. Above all, we’ve gone through and have surpassed most of the challenges that life has thrown at us.
We are anything but a typical couple, from the way we show we care and love each other, to how we allow others to perceive us as individuals and as partners through this life. We didn’t always think of marriage. The marriage talk didn’t come until much later in our relationship. It wasn’t because we didn’t think it was important or something we’d ever do. It was just something we didn’t feel was right for us, as soon as we had our first child. I guess you could say we’re a bit backwards with life’s events.
He recently proposed to me a couple of months ago, with Wonder Woman’s tiara from Mcdonalds, as he laid on the floor of the playroom, and our two younger ones circling around us. It was perfect in it’s own way. A much subtle proposal as I had asked of him. I didn’t want a huge, extravagant, extra kind of proposal. I am not the type of girl that dreamed of this one day, or played dress-up imagining my wedding day with my prince charming. It was perfect in all of it’s way!
July is the big day, and I am as excited as someone who marriage is the first step into being adult. I am excited because we finally get to explore this chapter of our relationship where I become Mrs, and he my legal husband.
We will be having a civil wedding, with 33 guests, along with our three beautiful children. I am so happy that my children get to be part of this day.
It’s crazy how life rolls on through. Being one who never saw this coming, it gives me such an amazing feeling to become his wife, even though we’ve got ten years, and three kids under our belt already.
Anyone else, was, is, in the future, in the same position?
It’s been nineteen days since my last post. It’s been crazy busy in the last few weeks, with small minor details consuming our days. It’s not very often when we get ‘down time’. There’s always plenty to do. Aside from mommy duties, there are a ton of stay-at-home mom stuff that needs tending to.
The last three weeks, seemed to have been a little easier with going out. Exactly three weeks ago, I got my license to legally drive. It’s been great to to just go when you have to. I’ve taken Apollo on ‘mommy and kuya’ dates, frozen yogurt treats with Arty, and small ventures to the grocery and Starbucks for some ‘me-time’.
Apollo was to spend two weeks at his grandparents in Toronto, but half-way through his mini-vacation away from home, he missed us and wanted to come home. We drove to Toronto, two consecutive weekends in a row. Dropping him off, and then picking him up. He, of course, changed his mind, the minute we arrived. Bribed with the thoughts of camping in the backyard with Papa, and other small adventures with the person he admires most, Papa. We didn’t end up letting him stay, because missing him was just too much. So now, the house is filled with noise, running around, and constant ‘mommy can I play on the Wii-u”, “watch YouTube”, “play NHL on the PS4”, and so on. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
The girls and I have been sick this week. In the middle of summer, it’s always fun to be sick…said nobody! Perhaps, we’re all just a little tired and then some.
Does anybody know what happened to summer? It’s already half way done. It seems like it was just last week, when Apollo finished Grade 1, and we’re excited about the summer at home. Now, it’s half way over and we’re thinking about school shopping for Grade 2. On that same note; Apollo is going to Grade 2. Whoa. Where did the time go? I can’t believe he’s going into Grade 2. It’s all too fast.
Two months from now it’s Halloween, and it’ll be Cassi’s first Halloween. Then two months after that, it’s Christmas. I’m not mad though. Christmas is the most exciting time of the year in my household. We absolutely love Christmas. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the one who gets everyone riled up about it. But hey, I can’t wait. It’s definitely exciting to decorate and have the kids celebrate this wonderful time. It puts an emphasis on Family, not that it’s not emphasized enough throughout the year. But it makes it a must! I can’t wait!
I realize this post barely has anything for you to ponder about. But then again, I said I would only share what I had in mind.
Hope you have a wonderful Tuesday…wait, it’s Wednesday!
It has been quite hard on J and me lately. We’ve found ourselves misunderstanding each other, and unable to find the string that connects us. It’s not rare for these moments to occur, especially when you’re parenting three kids, tending to life on the daily, and crossing off responsibilities on the constant. It’s very hard for J and me to have a moment alone. We don’t ever get the chance to go on dates, alone, or have a moment to hear ourselves converse. It gets tricky when you have children (I’m sure you can all relate to this).
Well? What happens when you’ve had just enough of parenting, and you try to find each other through the dirt, the mess, and the chaos of being parents? You sometimes don’t. So I guess, that’s what’s happening with us. We’re getting all our times mixed-up, and our priorities for each other lost.
I miss him. I see him everyday. We don’t ever get to cuddle anymore. The kids are always occupying the space between us. I wanna tell him secrets. The kids will hear. I miss holding him, as I fall asleep. Arty’s taken my spot, and the arm I used to cling to.
He mentioned we should get a babysitter or a nanny, so we could go out. I spent ten minutes after that telling him with anxiety how terrible I feel about it. I couldn’t imagine leaving my kids with a stranger, because I want a moment to myself. That’s the thing. I don’t know what I’m willing to give up. I feel like the juggle can only be done by me. The feeling of leaving the kids with a total stranger, just boggles my mind. I couldn’t. What if something happens to my babies? Why shouldn’t I be the first to be there, if they ever got hurt. What if that stranger is bad? Ugh. What am I willing to give up for a couple of ours of J & M-time?
My heart feels a little heavy lately. I can’t seem to find the string that connects J and me. It bothers me because we’re important too.
I’ve often found my past to be a neusance. It appears in moments like a puzzled film. It captures the state of my current heart only to fracture what I’ve managed to heal back together. I often like to dwell in pretending I’m some kind of superhero who can heal myself, with whatever kind of wounds that ceases my being in times when I’m strong. And one thing that always breaks me down; in moments of their weakness are my children.
I thought about the instances I’ve recently found myself in. Moments that wiggle themselves out from negative vibes. More recently it seems, I’ve a harder time finding the patience, understanding and courage to assess what’s happening with my son. He sits at number seven, and finds himself in the state of ‘bad to the bone’. I’m at my wits, trying to figure out how to ‘fix’ what’s being broken. Perhaps, I’m losing sight at the strands of what breaks him. Perhaps my visions are what needs fixing rather than catching only what he breaks.
My son is the most sweetest, kindest, purest heart I’ve ever come to know (with the exception of my two girls who share this heart). His smile, it literally lifts you up from the pits of darkness one has managed to find themselves imprisoned in. His love for fun, intimidates ones very being because, sometimes when you’ve transformed into an adult, you lose your sense of innocence. I find its harder for me to sift through my chaos, to connect with him in his state of cognitive process.
Tonight, a fellow blogger (@mikemadigan) made me see things in a different tone.
It’s been stated many times before, ‘being a mother is hard’. It’s even more difficult when you’ve got demons you’ve yet to face. Perhaps what holds me back are my annoying fears, that like to sneak up to remind me I’ve got changes to stamp in the present, so that tomorrow may not sting as much. What I don’t realize is how much my vision of tomorrow, breaks my present time.
We could all use a little less thinking and a little more feeling.
After all, those are the basis in which my son mostly functions in. I’ve forgotten to feel, so much so, he’s slowly drifting from me. My very fear in being a mother.
I shall stop blaming my past, and work on the now. My son deserves better!
I’m hungry. It’s too late to snack. Tomorrow I’ve an hour of spare with Pami. I’m taking her for a drive again.
For the sake of memories. For the sake of being able to scream, and daily, confess the love for the blessings of being a mom.
For as long as I can remember, I wasn’t a celebrated child. I didn’t have birthday parties, every year, nor had one because I meant a lot to someone. I had a couple that i recall; for the sake of photos that’ll eventually find its way to my adopted father, elsewhere in the world. I wasn’t treasured, the way you treasure someone, with tangible memories like photographs, or letters, or daily blogs of confessions about how much they are loved and cared for.
I wasn’t fussed over. I wasn’t valued. I wasn’t worth enough, for anyone to claim me. I wasn’t enough, for someone to ‘keep’ me. No one cried for me. No one hurt for me. No one would have given their life for me, the way you do when you love someone so much.
Because of this…
I am one of those individuals, who flood your Facebook news feed, instagram, twitter, and tumblr, of photographs, status’, notes, and shared articles about my children; about having children; about being a mom; about the struggle of being a parent; about the chaos of marriage, and everything in between. I AM THAT INDIVIDUAL, because I want to be able to look back at the memories I’ve built with my family. I want my children to be able to find these memories when they’ve grown, and one day they’ll wonder what, who, how, why, they are who they are. It isn’t merely for the sake of bombarding others, or attempting to show I’m better than anyone, or that my family values are better than yours. I do this for me. I do this for the legacy of my family . I do this so that my children will remember to value what is most important in our family, each other. I do this so that they remember what it means to fight for those you love, to always give heart, to always be humble, to find meaning in real life, and so much more.
One day my children will have questions. One day they’ll wonder about all sorts, one day these memories will become reminders, it may bring us together when time is distant, or when our minds have found heart elsewhere. It will rekindle deeper appreciation for one another when that is lost or forgotten, it may be a light that helps redefine relationships in each of our lives, maybe it’ll help recall values, or find comfort, bring smiles, provide happy tears, but one thing for certain, it will always bind us together, always and forever.
I remember the first time I held you. I cried. I cried because I was so scared, my body wasn’t strong enough to keep you safe and healthy.
I had been sick a week before I had you with the worst flu. I was in the hospital on New Years Eve, alone because your Dad had to stay with your brother. No one could watch him, because everyone had been sick.
I laid in that bed, missing your Dad, and brother on the night of a new year. But I wasn’t alone, because you were there with me. Your heart was slowing down, because my fever had been so high. They had to keep me over night, so they could monitor you.
The day of your birth, the contractions effected your heart rate. They had to deliver you with help. You had a cone head, sorry. I thought the pain would never end, I felt all of it, for a much longer period of time, than with your brother. I was brainlessly not pressing the button to administer more drugs to numb my bottom half so the pain wouldn’t be so crazy. But when you came out…
The world had stopped. The tears began to fall. What I had feared, has arrived. I was afraid to have you. To have a girl. Because, everything that I am took buckets of tears, and long, lonely nights. I never wanted you to feel an ounce of it. I never want to see your heart break, because as girls, we feel more. I didn’t want to see your disappointments, because we have a harder time accepting them. I didn’t want to ever see tears fall from your eyes, because when they do, it tends to hurt more. But you were here, and I was going to have to do whatever it takes to help you become stronger than I am, help you through the toughest moments in life, because I am, your mother.