‘Take back my peace of mind’

I had managed to finally leave the house for more than errands and coffee runs, but to actually sit down with this heavy laptop and begin to feel the keys for it inspires my next thoughts.

As my finger tap, tap, tap, my heart slowly begins to open, for I’ve already the idea on what this post would become.

Last night I had a coffee date with my new friend, M. She’s been very helpful to me this week with my back pain. She’s offered every day to take Apollo to school and home. I don’t know how I would have survived this week without her. From someone who has a hard time asking for help-not because of pride, but merely because in my head I believe I’m some kind of superhero who can take on everything and get it done! But, this week has proved me wrong, my body has never failed me this bad, and it proved me that just as fast as I can conjure up the outcomes from the needs of my family, I can also fail just as fast.

As we sat outside the coffee shop, braving the cool air, we begin to converse about life. We both realized how much in common we have. She gets most of the things I managed to share with her. I appreciate how observant she is, and how willing she was to be so helpful even though we’ve only met each other over the summer. It’s quite refreshing. She noticed how I didn’t seem myself this week, and that tells me her qualities as a person. I’m glad we met.

Fast forward…

I’ve been feeling out of it lately, just running through tasks as it comes, and not really being present as I get through them. It’s becoming harder and harder to trace the day for me. I wake up, I feel down, I get through the day, and at the end of the night as soon as my head hits the pillow I refuse to close my eyes. I’m afraid that the faster my eyes close, the further I get from myself. The harder the next day will be. The longer the day will be. And time would just swallow me.

A part of me feels stuck for the feelings that linger about my past. I wonder how I can let it go. I wonder how much longer this part of me, that I know nothing about will continue to run my life in the moments it takes. It feels like the more I pretend it isn’t there, the more it begins to eat at me. I haven’t had one moment all week that I’ve forgotten the heartache attached to it. Questions lists itself over and over again in my head, consuming my silence. I look at my children and the moment begins to feel like I don’t know who I am and the room starts spinning, my heart starts racing, and in an instant as soon as my daughter calls out to me, I’m her mom all over again.

One day, I will find the very thing that holds my heart hostage from being able to feel even the slightest bit of joy not for the things I’m already blessed with, but for the things that I cannot find the answers to. One day, I’ll kiss away the pain, like a love that has respect, and kindness but no heart. One day I’ll recover from my roots and be content at what I’ve become instead. 

 

xo, MM

Am I doing this right?

In the chaos of motherhood, you rarely get to sit alone, to ponder about whether or not you’re doing this ‘job’ right. There have been so many moments in motherhood where I question my parenting methods. Am I too strict? Am I allowing my children to learn on their own with my guidance? Am I dictating, rather than helping them grow through their own experiences? 

My children: Apollo, 7 / Artemis, 17 mos / Cassiopeia, 3 mos.

The gap between Apollo and Artemis are quite big. Big in terms of the type of experiences they’re going through. Apollo is in grade 1. His experiences are mostly brought on from his social relationships. Being able to be out there to meet other people, whether it be just his teachers, friends and peers at school, he’s got an idea from the kind of experiences he has throughout the day. I struggle with trying to understand his thought process these days. He’s appeared to be mischievous in the choices he makes while he’s out of the house. While they are mostly petty incidents, it feels like the pressure we receive from school to constantly correct his behaviour, has effected my parenting. While I believe that others’ perception of him doesn’t matter, because we know our child best, a part of me believes that these small, petty, incidents is not something to be ignored. Perhaps I come off as an authoritative mother and not very understanding of what he’s going through, but is this not all a phase between ‘parent and child’ in these stages?

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Right now, he tests’ his limits, pushes all the right emotional buttons to get you all wild up. His vocabulary has expanded to, “what the heck”, “stupid”, “idiot”. I’m sure you’re thinking, what are we teaching him? But let me tell you…These words, he would never assume is okay in the house, but would freely flaunt while he’s at school, because it’s words he consistently hears out in the playground with his, i’m-grown-enough-to-be-saying-this, crowd. I can’t really control the things he hears. I can’t constantly keep him out of his interests like, “Roblox”, video games, etc., just to shield him from retaining negative behaviour and unlikable speeches. You say, I should just let him learn to understand between wrong and right and make the right calls, right? Well that’s the issue, between the kind-hearted child, and fun personality that he has, he’s become oblivious to the social standards. I guess that’s not really so bad right? Well…I’m at my wits, trying to figure out how to be his mom, his friend, his confidant, and his teacher.

That’s part 1 or Am I doing this right.

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Artemis is quite a funny character. She is fun, loving, thoughtful, sweet, but also an agent provocateur. Slowly she’s learning that her actions can extend to hulk-smashing, kicking is hilarious, and holding her breath till the vein on the side of her head protrudes. Creating a balance of understanding her emotions, and allowing her to let out her inner crazyness in accepting that it helps her emotional development, has me torn between whether or not I should instill the same parenting method that I use with Apollo. She’s 17 mos, what does she really understand at this point? Well she’s quite a smarty pants, not only because she’s my child and every mom is entitled to saying they’ve got unbelievably, intelligent children. But really..she’s pretty competent at 17 mos.

Aside from Apollo and Artemis being two different sexes, they are also two different ages, and personality. I feel like parenting should cater to their characters, rather than one kind of parenting that suits my likeness and convenience. With that said, again, i’m wondering, Am I doing this right?

Some tuesday blues for ya?

 

…I should finish my coffee that I made 2 hours ago.

 

“Motherhood is difficult…and rewarding”

I’m out,
MM

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