Half Point

It’s been nineteen days since my last post. It’s been crazy busy in the last few weeks, with small minor details consuming our days. It’s not very often when we get ‘down time’. There’s always plenty to do. Aside from mommy duties, there are a ton of stay-at-home mom stuff that needs tending to.

The last three weeks, seemed to have been a little easier with going out. Exactly three weeks ago, I got my license to legally drive. It’s been great to to just go when you have to. I’ve taken Apollo on ‘mommy and kuya’ dates, frozen yogurt treats with Arty, and small ventures to the grocery and Starbucks for some ‘me-time’.

Apollo was to spend two weeks at his grandparents in Toronto, but half-way through his mini-vacation away from home, he missed us and wanted to come home. We drove to Toronto, two consecutive weekends in a row. Dropping him off, and then picking him up. He, of course, changed his mind, the minute we arrived. Bribed with the thoughts of camping in the backyard with Papa, and other small adventures with the person he admires most, Papa. We didn’t end up letting him stay, because missing him was just too much. So now, the house is filled with noise, running around, and constant ‘mommy can I play on the Wii-u”, “watch YouTube”, “play NHL on the PS4”, and so on. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The girls and I have been sick this week. In the middle of summer, it’s always fun to be sick…said nobody! Perhaps, we’re all just a little tired and then some.

Does anybody know what happened to summer? It’s already half way done. It seems like it was just last week, when Apollo finished Grade 1, and we’re excited about the summer at home. Now, it’s half way over and we’re thinking about school shopping for Grade 2. On that same note; Apollo is going to Grade 2. Whoa. Where did the time go? I can’t believe he’s going into Grade 2. It’s all too fast.

Two months from now it’s Halloween, and it’ll be Cassi’s first Halloween. Then two months after that, it’s Christmas. I’m not mad though. Christmas is the most exciting time of the year in my household. We absolutely love Christmas. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the one who gets everyone riled up about it. But hey, I can’t wait. It’s definitely exciting to decorate and have the kids celebrate this wonderful time. It puts an emphasis on Family, not that it’s not emphasized enough throughout the year. But it makes it a must! I can’t wait!

I realize this post barely has anything for you to ponder about. But then again, I said I would only share what I had in mind.

Hope you have a wonderful Tuesday…wait, it’s Wednesday!

Just a rant of updates for you.

 

xo, MM

 

Baby just drive

I thought for the longest time that I’d never get my license to drive.  My father was afraid to drive from a traumatic event when he was still a bit young. A truck dragged him. This in turn effected his wonder to drive. We never had a car, we relied on public transportation. It grew on me as I got older, the convenience of going everywhere just by riding one transportation to another. It became a thing for me; riding the public transit as some thrill space.  

As I got older, I just never thought I’d ever go for my license. I didn’t think of ever owning a car. I know absolutely nothing about cars. But time has changed. Motherhood has changed me.

You know that list of motherhood that everyone’s passed around on Facebook? The one where it lists your job as a mother; a cook, a nurse, an song artist, a driver? Yeah, for the longest I thought my list of motherhood is short of one compare to most. I’m not a driver for my kids, because well I don’t ever drive. Today that changed. I know it’s funny of me to be so proud of this, but getting my license kind of opens up doors in my box of parenting. It provides freedom, better access to my requirements, it just gets me out and going to get the things I need done. So yay ! Thanks j, for pushing me to do this. You’re right. It does help! 

In other news; the weather in windsor has been quite crazy hot, lately.  I heard even in Toronto it’s the same.  Luckily tonight we got some thunder, lightning and a crazy amount of rain.  Tomorrow is supposed to carry throughout the day, and then clear on Friday and for the rest of the weekend. We’ve been growing a forest in the backyard.  J doesn’t want to cut the grass because the lawn mower sucks and the grass is all uneven. The yard needs work. Work neither of us are willing to do. So we’ll have to dig for some lawn caretakers. 

Mothering be like; Apollo. Apollo has been on some crazy tip lately. A tip I cannot find the connecting wire to. He’s bearable at times, and times when I swear he’s into this whole ‘bad boy’ persona. I’m just gonna roll my eyes at this because I’ve run out of excuses in my head for what I’m doing wrong. All I’ve really got is brain farts about this topic. #stillstruggling #sevengoingonseventeen 

I really just wanted to update you on my G2 license exam.  But the day has been super long with constantly trying to find the patience to figure stuff out with Apollo on the daily. But you should know, he’s a good kid, with a good heart, and I still love him with my every being. He’s my favourite son, you know! 

xo, MM 

Reaching achievements

It’s been four lessons since I started practicing for my g2. I must say, I feel more confident now than I did before. Never being the one to drive with anyone else but J, narrowed my thoughts of being ‘able to drive’. I spent four lessons (4 hours) with Pami. I covered, one-way routes, parallel parking, forward parking, and reverse parking. My most feared test was parallel parking, but it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. Mind you, I’ve no examiner ticking points off at my tiny mishaps. 

Next, is my driving test this Wednesday. Bright and early at 8:25. I’ve opted to have one more practice with Pami, to refresh my mind and calm my nerves before the examiner sit-in with me.  I’m certain the nerves will continue to pounce me just until I begin that test, like any other tests/exams I’ve ever taken in my lifetime.  

So here we are, another achievement in my lifetime.  I have to say, I wouldn’t be this brave, if it wasn’t for J.

I’ll let you know how that exam goes. Hopefully I’ll be g2 licensed by the time I conjure up some next update for you all! Cross your fingers and pray for the people on the road that morning! LOL 

Some things in life are impossible until someone pushes you to go and do it. 

xo, MM

A headless lion

Today proved itself to be an overwhelming one.  

Since summer has commenced for the oldest of my three, he’s been home with me all morning and all afternoon and then some. These past few days have been more than I can take with trying to get through the day with him. It seems that he’s found ‘bad behaviour’ to be a fun game. His attitude is sky rocketing, his listening skills has weakened even more, and ignoring his parents to be a habit. So you would believe, how difficult it is to get through the day with him alone. Then you sprinkle in the needs of the two girls somewhere between, my scolding Apollo to please listen and care to use his brain, to juggling the tears between the two girls for whatever it is they need/want. 

Today, I am exhausted.  Today, I can’t mom. Today, I am not as strong-willed. Today, I feel incapable to parent. Today, I feel like my everyday routine is too much. Today, I am at my last string of positive. 

J and I did not plan much for this summer, in terms of trips.  Why? Because there just isn’t room in the schedule with J’s work. So our trips won’t actually start till Winter. This means, the four of us (the three kids and me) are stuck at home, until J gets home from work. Windsor doesn’t offer much in terms of activities for children. In Toronto, you can get to the zoo, go to Canada’s Wonderland (theme park), head to a variety of park options, shops, malls, etc. So the kids and me are mostly home. In the next few weeks, Apollo is to spend two weeks at his grandparents. It luckily ties in with Apollo’s grandfather’s vacation time. So as expected, Apollo had thought up to spend time there and luckily his grandparents have approved the idea. 

Two weeks without Apollo is a break for me to mother two instead of three you’d think. But the separation anxiety has already kicked-in. Apollo is rarely away from home for any type of sleepover adventures. Perhaps we’ve chosen to raise him this way to understand the importance of learning what it means ‘to be home’. There isn’t really many opportunities for us to sleep away from home.  One, we’ve got two younger children and thats just a challenge on its own, and second, it’s not a necessity for us to be out and about constantly, requiring to stay at a variety of places. Apollo has taken trips around Ontario while he was very little, staying at hotels and resorts, but not as often enough for him to ‘miss home’. 

In terms of activities this summer, I figured day-camp would busy Apollo until school returns (day-camp will have to wait till august), with a side of investing in some type of mental work into a work book for grade 2’s we’ve found at Costco. He will afterall be a grade 2 pupil next September.  I’ve always invested in these work books since he began his academic journey. It helps with his intellectual phase, and allows him to stimulate his brain on the daily without letting it get too lazy, especially during summer breaks. It has immensely helped him, and the only negative is his boredom to continue doing them when the school year begins. In turn though, his frustration to finishing last during exercises at school, will be fixed since his mind should recall the same exercises from the books and push him to think faster.  It’s all important, as blah-blah-blah as it is to read through this paragraph. 

Trying to get him to invest time into these work books during summer is a complete battle I’ve purposely placed myself in. Simply because he’d rather be doing something more finger-worthy like YouTube, wii-u, etc. But I am his mother, and he is my child. It’s my responsibility to keep the teaching going for as long as he can choose to learn.  So this constant battle with doing work books, cuts into the focus I have for the two girls. It’s funny how you’re never truly 100% focus with each child, but rather cut into so many tiny pieces trying to tend to everything titled ‘for mom to do’. I’m a terrible mother. 

Arty is quite challenging these days, between constant eating, to stimulating activities, I’m super exhausted trying to keep up with her. Then there’s Cassi who rarely and barely needs too much but just to be fed, burped, changed, cradled to nap, and play until she tires out her legs.

Oh but the dishes’ stink call out to me, the food that’s managed to graced the floor instead of the tummies of their masters require sweeping before the middle one finds it to stash away for back-up snacks. The cooking and the feeding and the tidying up and the…There’s too much! 

My brain feels pretty fried at this moment. I’m certain today is one of those days I’ve most certainly had before, but I’m losing to because today I really just cannot lion. 

The girls are due for a nap. I’ve left Apollo to finish off the few pages I’ve assigned him. It has yet been ten minutes since I laid the girls in bed, and he’s already creaked my door open for nonsense inquiries. Ugh! Is it night time yet? Can I sleep this off yet, and start a new day tomorrow? 

P.s. the coffee didn’t work. It must the reason for this gloomy day. Rain is coming. 

xo, MM 

When Peanut Butter hits the fan

It has been quite hard on J and me lately. We’ve found ourselves misunderstanding each other, and unable to find the string that connects us. It’s not rare for these moments to occur, especially when you’re parenting three kids, tending to life on the daily, and crossing off responsibilities on the constant. It’s very hard for J and me to have a moment alone. We don’t ever get the chance to go on dates, alone, or have a moment to hear ourselves converse. It gets tricky when you have children (I’m sure you can all relate to this).

Well? What happens when you’ve had just enough of parenting, and you try to find each other through the dirt, the mess, and the chaos of being parents? You sometimes don’t. So I guess, that’s what’s happening with us. We’re getting all our times mixed-up, and our priorities for each other lost.

I miss him. I see him everyday. We don’t ever get to cuddle anymore. The kids are always occupying the space between us. I wanna tell him secrets. The kids will hear. I miss holding him, as I fall asleep. Arty’s taken my spot, and the arm I used to cling to.

He mentioned we should get a babysitter or a nanny, so we could go out. I spent ten minutes after that telling him with anxiety how terrible I feel about it. I couldn’t imagine leaving my kids with a stranger, because I want a moment to myself. That’s the thing. I don’t know what I’m willing to give up. I feel like the juggle can only be done by me. The feeling of leaving the kids with a total stranger, just boggles my mind. I couldn’t. What if something happens to my babies? Why shouldn’t I be the first to be there, if they ever got hurt. What if that stranger is bad? Ugh. What am I willing to give up for a couple of ours of J & M-time?

My heart feels a little heavy lately. I can’t seem to find the string that connects J and me. It bothers me because we’re important too.

Any words of wisdom?

 

xo, MM

Am I doing this right?

In the chaos of motherhood, you rarely get to sit alone, to ponder about whether or not you’re doing this ‘job’ right. There have been so many moments in motherhood where I question my parenting methods. Am I too strict? Am I allowing my children to learn on their own with my guidance? Am I dictating, rather than helping them grow through their own experiences? 

My children: Apollo, 7 / Artemis, 17 mos / Cassiopeia, 3 mos.

The gap between Apollo and Artemis are quite big. Big in terms of the type of experiences they’re going through. Apollo is in grade 1. His experiences are mostly brought on from his social relationships. Being able to be out there to meet other people, whether it be just his teachers, friends and peers at school, he’s got an idea from the kind of experiences he has throughout the day. I struggle with trying to understand his thought process these days. He’s appeared to be mischievous in the choices he makes while he’s out of the house. While they are mostly petty incidents, it feels like the pressure we receive from school to constantly correct his behaviour, has effected my parenting. While I believe that others’ perception of him doesn’t matter, because we know our child best, a part of me believes that these small, petty, incidents is not something to be ignored. Perhaps I come off as an authoritative mother and not very understanding of what he’s going through, but is this not all a phase between ‘parent and child’ in these stages?

Right now, he tests’ his limits, pushes all the right emotional buttons to get you all wild up. His vocabulary has expanded to, “what the heck”, “stupid”, “idiot”. I’m sure you’re thinking, what are we teaching him? But let me tell you…These words, he would never assume is okay in the house, but would freely flaunt while he’s at school, because it’s words he consistently hears out in the playground with his, i’m-grown-enough-to-be-saying-this, crowd. I can’t really control the things he hears. I can’t constantly keep him out of his interests like, “Roblox”, video games, etc., just to shield him from retaining negative behaviour and unlikable speeches. You say, I should just let him learn to understand between wrong and right and make the right calls, right? Well that’s the issue, between the kind-hearted child, and fun personality that he has, he’s become oblivious to the social standards. I guess that’s not really so bad right? Well…I’m at my wits, trying to figure out how to be his mom, his friend, his confidant, and his teacher.

That’s part 1 or Am I doing this right.

Artemis is quite a funny character. She is fun, loving, thoughtful, sweet, but also an agent provocateur. Slowly she’s learning that her actions can extend to hulk-smashing, kicking is hilarious, and holding her breath till the vein on the side of her head protrudes. Creating a balance of understanding her emotions, and allowing her to let out her inner crazyness in accepting that it helps her emotional development, has me torn between whether or not I should instill the same parenting method that I use with Apollo. She’s 17 mos, what does she really understand at this point? Well she’s quite a smarty pants, not only because she’s my child and every mom is entitled to saying they’ve got unbelievably, intelligent children. But really..she’s pretty competent at 17 mos.

Aside from Apollo and Artemis being two different sexes, they are also two different ages, and personality. I feel like parenting should cater to their characters, rather than one kind of parenting that suits my likeness and convenience. With that said, again, i’m wondering, Am I doing this right?

Some tuesday blues for ya?

 

…I should finish my coffee that I made 2 hours ago.

 

“Motherhood is difficult…and rewarding”

I’m out,
MM

Hello, 2016

It’s the first week of January and I am determined to live up to my goals for this year. I wont bombard you with a “list of my resolution” because, that’s all so like everyone else .. and obviously I’m not like everyone else. *(insert emoticon of choice here)*

Lets start with this.. 

It’s the worst part of my life; sitting at Starbucks for some “me” time this a.m.- across from me sat a handsome looking guy, with coiffed hair, and perfect short waves dressed to impressed. He was nothing like a guy who’s in the middle of a nasty divorce trying to figure out why the woman he used to love isn’t content with the house he wilfully gave-up to keep her happy. He spoke with such sadness, to the other person on the other side of the phone, as if the pieces that have crumbled on him during this ordeal is causing him  more heartache than relief. 

…but who should be relieved in a middle of a divorce anyway? Two people spent years building a life together, memories that you can never take away to feel like life can start all over again. But what breaks two people? It’s one thing to cheat, but how do you just fall out of love? Perhaps my idea of marriage doesn’t require the option of falling out of love, because the rule in my head is, you are to find every possible way to keep falling in love over, and over again with your husband, until it all just becomes a part of you, and loving him is like breathing. 

A piece of writing a day; one of my goals this year is to write each day. Whether it’s a word, a sentence, a paragraph or a whole novel on a word. The point is, in order for me to find progress in writing my book, I require myself to write-practice makes perfect. To find my style, to find how I want it to be, to figure out how it all makes sense… just to begin. 

ON THE DOUBLE
I realize how mothers are easily overwhelmed. 

I am one of those moms, unfortunately. I find my OCD with motherhood drives me, and everyone else to insanity. I feel like a hamster running the wheel, but refuse to get off because I’m too stupid to realize I’m not actually going anywhere. Running in one place. 

The need to control everything, and my children because of fear, because of the requirement to have them be somebody who can deal with the world, and ready for whatever if I’m no longer around. But I realize, everytime I get worked-up about how aK isn’t eating his food fast enough, or that he’s touched the ground a couple of times to pick-up something he’d dropped, that it’s not a big deal. My sense of control is over the top and that takes away from me being the ‘loving mom’ more than a ‘soldier mom’ looking to have order. 

I need a little more heart, a little more love. 

I’ve been glancing here, and there at the mom that walked in fifteen minutes after me, to sit beside me with her toddler who requires a lot of love. I understand why she grabs him by his cheeks, and scolds him for biting. I understand why she constantly says, “We love you, but you are very challenging”. I understand why the way she spoke about her daughter shines in her eyes. I understand why she initiated a conversation with me, even after she noticed I had moved closer to the wall, in the corner so I can have a little quiet to write, without the loud screams of a child who didn’t sleep well, and consistently require ‘touch’ to calm him. 

Mothering is very hard. Mothering has no rule book. Mothering isn’t a race. Mothering is rarely easy. Mothering requires shedding hair, losing your voice, getting ‘mono’, and a whole other list of unpretty tendencies. 

In the end, we all do our best. We all want the best for our kids. We do them, the way we know how. The good thing about parents who try so much is that, they TRY, and not just live on the moment, hoping for the best without working towards anything. 

Moms, 

Remember today, tomorrow, the next day you are a superhero to the kids you love, and that love you back. Don’t let the little things in life that are hard with parenting become the wall, and/or the limit that sets you aside from being the mom your child needs. 

signing off, 

mm