My Open Letter to Apollo

My Sweet Baby Boy,

I have been trying to find the words to tell you how sorry I am. Sorry for this season of your life that feels so sad, cloudy and unfair. Sorry that you have to shield your emotions from me, so that it wouldn’t contribute to more thoughts that linger in my head and overwhelms me with guilt. Sorry that you feel powerless through my illness. Sorry that you’re the sponge for my ever changing moods.

In the midst of all of this, I want you to know that while in these moments it feels otherwise, I LOVE YOU. I love you always, no matter how it seems. I want you to know that when it feels like im distant, my heart knows nothing than to love you from afar. I want you to know that in the midst of the chaos that effects you the most, I will always find you and save you, the best I can even if you don’t see it or notice it. I want you to know that in the moments when you tell me your heartaches, I am fighting with you through them. I am fighting for you! I am! I want you to know that it won’t be like this, forever. I want you to know that for every inch you drift, I am holding on with all my might! I want you to know that for every hard breath I take in the moments I feel so lost, that you are my reason. I want you to know that you give me strength. I want you to know that you are what saves me! Time and time again, you save me!

Though it feels less than it should, I love you so much! Always & Forever. I will always be here for you, no matter the season, reason, instances, or moments.

Love, Mom.
MM, out!

Every Piece of You

There is without a doubt that motherhood takes a tole on everything that is you!
From your health, to your physical standing, to your emotional state, to your eating habits, to your washroom routine, to your sleeping routine, to everything else in between.

I don’t know how many times I’ve had carpal tunnel from the repetitive work of motherhood.

I don’t know how many times, I’ve missed meals from making sure my kids are fed, and whatever I have decided to eat instead..made it into their tummies and I’m not even mad about it. Sometimes, I sneak it into the bathroom by the kitchen because I don’t have a walk-in pantry that I can lock and my bathroom in my room, doesn’t lock..just so i can take a quick min to eat something. When i say quick, i mean quick before they noticed you’re gone. 

I don’t know how many times I’ve gotten sick from the germs they bring home, only to not get any rest time because, that’s not what motherhood is about (Am I right, or am I right moms)!

I don’t know how many times, I’ve had to sort of “forget” my emotions, or at least I think I’m forgetting it, only to seep in on times I’d rather not have it. AND I LOSE IT, every single time! 

I don’t ever take my washroom breaks seriously, because I always have a full audience, mischievously going through my monthly stacked of pads, make-up, and other things I store in a washroom/bathroom.

Don’t even get me started on sleeping. What is that? Who does this? 

Amidst all this that seem so hard to sacrifice on days when I literally wish I can just be alone for the rest of my life, my precious children who drive me nuts on the daily, are everything I can ever ask for in life. The blessing, to be their mother, their friend, their provider, their protector, the teacher of love, understanding, care, and everything we moms are responsible for on the daily, is everything I could ever want out of my life.

I am always grateful, and thankful for being able to be a mom and have the opportunity to have my own little mini-me’s to live life and to be my legacies, if nothing more.

 

MM

 

My 3 min saver

It has been an insane last couple of weeks with stomach flu, questions on my motherhood techniques and down days..but today, today im feeling upbeat. 

As a mom of three, you barely get a second to yourself. If your hair is a mess, your clothes have some unknown stain, uncertain if you’ve brushed your teeth and even sometimes not sure if you’ve finished peeing before running to one of the kids calling out to you. It takes a worried mom literally 2 seconds to run from her bathroom to the living room struggling to pull her underpants back up. In many situations, i get to that child and its a cryz-out for “a snack”. 

With that said, after moving from Toronto, I’ve had zero life. I mean what has changed really? I didn’t have much even when we were still in Toronto, with three kids. But at least i had friends. Well, my only friends are really my baristas at my local starbucks. Most of the time, they’re the only ‘adults’ i see all day and have the opportunity to hear me speak, not scream, not whisper..speak! 

They inspire me, and what they don’t know is, they are the 3-minutes that saves me in moments when im falling apart. Moments when i cannot mom any longer, moments when i just need another adult to speak and remind me im still alive. 

So for those of you moms who have 3-minute savers, take it, keep it, and cherish it. Who knows, maybe a minute more after, you’re due for the next challenge of motherhood again. 

Have a blessed weekend, ya’ll! 

P.s. Happy 1ST Birthday to my sweet baby, Cassiopeia! ❤

MM