tomorrows sunshine

For the sake of memories. For the sake of being able to scream, and daily, confess the love for the blessings of being a mom.

For as long as I can remember, I wasn’t a celebrated child. I didn’t have birthday parties, every year, nor had one because I meant a lot to someone. I had a couple that i recall; for the sake of photos that’ll eventually find its way to my adopted father, elsewhere in the world. I wasn’t treasured, the way you treasure someone, with tangible memories like photographs, or letters, or daily blogs of confessions about how much they are loved and cared for.

I wasn’t fussed over. I wasn’t valued. I wasn’t worth enough, for anyone to claim me. I wasn’t enough, for someone to ‘keep’ me. No one cried for me. No one hurt for me. No one would have given their life for me, the way you do when you love someone so much.

Because of this…

I am one of those individuals, who flood your Facebook news feed, instagram, twitter, and tumblr, of photographs, status’, notes, and shared articles about my children; about having children; about being a mom; about the struggle of being a parent; about the chaos of marriage, and everything in between. I AM THAT INDIVIDUAL, because I want to be able to look back at the memories I’ve built with my family. I want my children to be able to find these memories when they’ve grown, and one day they’ll wonder what, who, how, why, they are who they are. It isn’t merely for the sake of bombarding others, or attempting to show I’m better than anyone, or that my family values are better than yours. I do this for me. I do this for the legacy of my family . I do this so that my children will remember to value what is most important in our family, each other. I do this so that they remember what it means to fight for those you love, to always give heart, to always be humble, to find meaning in real life, and so much more.

One day my children will have questions. One day they’ll wonder about all sorts, one day these memories will become reminders, it may bring us together when time is distant, or when our minds have found heart elsewhere. It will rekindle deeper appreciation for one another when that is lost or forgotten, it may be a light that helps redefine relationships in each of our lives, maybe it’ll help recall values, or find comfort, bring smiles, provide happy tears, but one thing for certain, it will always bind us together, always and forever.

 

xo, MM

 

Repost from Tumblr – December 23, 2015

Am I doing this right?

In the chaos of motherhood, you rarely get to sit alone, to ponder about whether or not you’re doing this ‘job’ right. There have been so many moments in motherhood where I question my parenting methods. Am I too strict? Am I allowing my children to learn on their own with my guidance? Am I dictating, rather than helping them grow through their own experiences? 

My children: Apollo, 7 / Artemis, 17 mos / Cassiopeia, 3 mos.

The gap between Apollo and Artemis are quite big. Big in terms of the type of experiences they’re going through. Apollo is in grade 1. His experiences are mostly brought on from his social relationships. Being able to be out there to meet other people, whether it be just his teachers, friends and peers at school, he’s got an idea from the kind of experiences he has throughout the day. I struggle with trying to understand his thought process these days. He’s appeared to be mischievous in the choices he makes while he’s out of the house. While they are mostly petty incidents, it feels like the pressure we receive from school to constantly correct his behaviour, has effected my parenting. While I believe that others’ perception of him doesn’t matter, because we know our child best, a part of me believes that these small, petty, incidents is not something to be ignored. Perhaps I come off as an authoritative mother and not very understanding of what he’s going through, but is this not all a phase between ‘parent and child’ in these stages?

Right now, he tests’ his limits, pushes all the right emotional buttons to get you all wild up. His vocabulary has expanded to, “what the heck”, “stupid”, “idiot”. I’m sure you’re thinking, what are we teaching him? But let me tell you…These words, he would never assume is okay in the house, but would freely flaunt while he’s at school, because it’s words he consistently hears out in the playground with his, i’m-grown-enough-to-be-saying-this, crowd. I can’t really control the things he hears. I can’t constantly keep him out of his interests like, “Roblox”, video games, etc., just to shield him from retaining negative behaviour and unlikable speeches. You say, I should just let him learn to understand between wrong and right and make the right calls, right? Well that’s the issue, between the kind-hearted child, and fun personality that he has, he’s become oblivious to the social standards. I guess that’s not really so bad right? Well…I’m at my wits, trying to figure out how to be his mom, his friend, his confidant, and his teacher.

That’s part 1 or Am I doing this right.

Artemis is quite a funny character. She is fun, loving, thoughtful, sweet, but also an agent provocateur. Slowly she’s learning that her actions can extend to hulk-smashing, kicking is hilarious, and holding her breath till the vein on the side of her head protrudes. Creating a balance of understanding her emotions, and allowing her to let out her inner crazyness in accepting that it helps her emotional development, has me torn between whether or not I should instill the same parenting method that I use with Apollo. She’s 17 mos, what does she really understand at this point? Well she’s quite a smarty pants, not only because she’s my child and every mom is entitled to saying they’ve got unbelievably, intelligent children. But really..she’s pretty competent at 17 mos.

Aside from Apollo and Artemis being two different sexes, they are also two different ages, and personality. I feel like parenting should cater to their characters, rather than one kind of parenting that suits my likeness and convenience. With that said, again, i’m wondering, Am I doing this right?

Some tuesday blues for ya?

 

…I should finish my coffee that I made 2 hours ago.

 

“Motherhood is difficult…and rewarding”

I’m out,
MM

More to Mommying

Sometimes I feel bad for wanting more than just being a mommy. Those times when I worked full-time while aK was growing up, I missed some days with him. While I took care of other people’s children and taught them things, I sacrificed my time with my child who I could have been giving all my knowledge and time to. But I would never feel satisfied just being a homemaker. It’s not a bad thing to be one. I, now, know how it feels to be a stay-home mom. Not because I have to be, but because I want to be. I want to be there for the things I lost out on with Apollo. The girls are still very young. Practically just born. It isn’t fair for them to share their milestones with random sitters, and not me, who wants to be able to remember those moments.

More to Mommying

Seven a.m. Itch

I’m laying in bed, holding Cassi, after she had fallen asleep from her feed. She’s a little over a month. She’s grown so fast, developed her own facial features, and she’s the sweetest little angry muncher there is. As I lay there, trying to get my website going (stay tuned), I had this quote in my head, “It’s not what you’ve lost but what you have gained with being a mom, that’s important”.

I realize that it’s so frustrating as a parent, evermore so, as a mom that your life no longer belongs to you. You have become slave-like to everyone else’s needs but your own. You no longer tend to your needs first, and maybe never. I hate that I can’t shower when I want; eat when I want; watch television, or the show I like when I want; get out of the door, or go anywhere on time when I want; get my zero to a hundred done; write when I want; have all of my coffee when I want; eat ALL of my food when I want; wear nice clothes when I want; go out with my husband, alone, when I want; sleep in my bed, alone, when I want. There’s always someone else calling out to me, there’s always someone squeezing into my ribs, as if they have yet to be born, and they find such comfort in giving me discomfort. 

…but these frustrations, they keep me going. This frustration, motivates me in my life. It pushes me to be who I am, without second guessing myself, it gives me confidence, it makes me powerful, it gives me superpowers, it keeps my life interesting. 

A lot of the times, mothering is tough. It’s never a dull moment. It’s always crazy. It’s always on the go. But, how would you rather have it? How would my life have kept going, if I didn’t have my son, when I did? How will our lives be, especially Apollo, if Artemis didn’t come? How would their lives be as adults, if there wasn’t one more to add to crazy, if Cassi wasn’t made? These blessings, they have reasons, they a purpose, they are my purpose in life. 

..and when you think it doesn’t get much crazier, then there’s also my husband. He’s a well of humour. That’s just putting it nicely. 

I’ve got an amazing life. Hardships in life, it’s all part of it. That’s normal. It’s normal to be challenged in life. Otherwise, how would you make it better, at every point? But the win; the prize; the epic story, it’s having a family that’s all yours to keep. 

xoxo, til next time.

p.s. more updates on the move soon. ALSO, it’s not Lakeshore anymore, it’s just Windsor. 

Friends then Wife

Next week, is when things get back to the usual for J. That means, a busy schedule for the next few months. 

One of my many goals for this year is, to REMEMBER I AM A FRIEND FIRST and then A WIFE. 

This year has taught me that while things may get chaotic, and crazy at times with being parents, and managing life with children, and a list of responsibilities, that I have someone to go through the motion with. 

J, and I spend so much of our time trading skills on who feeds the baby, changes the diapers, takes the firstborn to school, picks up the firstborn, does the groceries, alternates the laundry schedules, and it gets overwhelming. It becomes difficult to recall who we are individually, and together for each other. 

This year, I have to make all the efforts in the world to remember that while he is the father of the little munchkins we have, and our responsibilities are a list of who does what, when, where… HE IS MY BEST FRIEND. When you have a best friend, who makes you smile all the time, who drives you crazy, who talks your ear out, who loves you with everything he is, and then some, you love that person for who he is to you, not just who he is to everything else in your life. 

I will talk softly 
I will listen with heart
I will speak as your friend first, then your wife
I will do whatever it takes to remind us, we are US before, ‘Mom & Dad’.

Love, Beb

Must have been the fever..

Monday to Friday the clock strikes at 7:30 and I give myself another ten minutes to find the strength for my bottom half to get up and support my top half. Most moms will relate, I don’t think we actually sleep when you have young children. I spend at least two to three times up to fetch a bottle for Arty (thank god, she sleeps while she drinks) and then I’m up for Apollo to ready him for school (gotta get that edu-ma-ca-tion). After he’s off to school, Arty and I may, or may not head to Starbucks for our morning ritual of ‘going for a walk’. We’ll either spend breakfast there or head home. The air helps tire her out?

This morning is a late start for, J. Just before he left, he noticed Apollo was running a temperature. His whole body was hot. So of course, he gave him some medicine to calm the fever and a note for me would have gone like this,
“Kai is sick with a fever. I gave him tylenol. Give him a cold shower and tell him lots of rest”.
My husband should have been a doctor. He would have told me that in the note, because I panic when the kids are sick. I’m terrible at staying calm, when they’re unwell. Thank God, I knew what he would have said, otherwise, I wouldn’t know what to do.

Trying to tend to Apollo can be challenging when the little one is not entertained by her usual fun video of “Five Little Ducks” by Little Baby Bum on Youtube. She’ll cry behind the Starwars Box calling out for me, until I come back and she stares at me with tears running down her face. Sometimes, I wanna write a book on what I think babies are saying and thinking. Arty sounds really funny in most of my versions.

Anyway it’s just lunch time and my  morning has been quite an adventure already. I’ve got to run to the trusty over-the-counter people for some medicine on fixing fevers and smashed screens because I smartly dropped the corner of the laptop on my screen phone. The universe is lovely today.

xoxo, mom