The 5 Things I Want My Sensitive Son To Know

My first born is a boy. Ever since he was a toddler, he has always been the sensitive type. This was a bit of a challenge for J and I because, we are both outspoken people. As Apollo got older, the more we realized how much he internalizes situations more than the next person. He understood more in situations, felt everything, and was easy to cry about arguments or misunderstandings.

 

J and I kept trying to build up Apollo. Strengthen his heart, make him braver, and less emotional. Why? Why did we do that? Why would we want to change our sweet boy?

There was a phase in his life at an old school where he was being bullied. Instead of teaching him to be kind nonetheless, we advised him to fight back. To never allow anyone to touch him the wrong way, and hurt him. But he couldn’t see things our way. He would cry when we teach him how to be physical. Yes, you’re all judging us right now, but who are you to judge? You parent your way, we parent our way. I’m not asking for your way, I’m openly sharing my experience with my son, because J and I have also learnt from this. Things are different now.

J and I were angry, at the fact that our child so kind and sweet, was physically being hurt because he couldn’t find it in his heart to justify physically hurting someone else for the wrong they’ve committed. Our son, so pure in heart. But we were hurting, and our way was to retaliate. This bully even had his father say mean things behind our son’s back and even about J. The child shared these rude comments with my son, and I felt so heartbroken and angry for my son. But in all of this, my son taught us that being kind has no limits, or has no condition. You are either kind, or not.

Apollo is brave, intelligent, kind, sweet, loving, generous, and thoughtful. 

 

 

The 5 Things I Want My Sensitive Son To Know

1. Be Who You Are, No Matter WhatIn a world that is constantly changing, and not for the better. We need more kind-hearted individuals like you. Who you are, and how you treat others, is what makes this world a little better. We don’t need you to change for us, or for others. Stay as you are, and protect the good in you.
2. Choose Kindness, AlwaysBeing kind, is the most wonderful thing in this world. When you share kindness with others, it sends a ripple affect and one of those people you shared your kind heart with, will eventually share it with someone else. Always be kind, in all you do and say.
3. Never Let Anyone Hurt You As much as we value your kindness, we would never, ever want anyone to hurt you physically or emotionally. If you feel that this is something you cannot deal with on your own, Daddy and I will always be here to help you through it. Don’t ever let anyone hurt you, in any way. We will be your crutch, we will be your shield. While we cannot always physically be there, talk to us, ask us.
4. Love With All of YouLove won’t always be pretty, nor easy. But in real Love is always something good. Love with all of you. Love hard. Love like you want, because there is nothing better in this world, than to love.
5. Respect & Honesty Go Hand-in-HandRespect yourself and respect others. Always remember that what you put out into the world, comes back to you. Just as being kind is important, so is being respectful. No matter the circumstances, the words and actions we let go of, have consequences. Always be honest with yourself, be truthful with others. It wont always be easy to tell someone the truth, they wont always want to hear it, they wont always understand. But if there’s anything good you can do for someone is to tell the truth. In time, they will understand.

 

Life is not easy my son. Life is full of surprises and challenges. What we do with these challenges is what helps us grow. I promise that while it isn’t easy, daddy and I are always here. No matter the distance, the time, the circumstance, we will always be here for you. 

 

 

 

 

 

MM, out!

Mothering without a Mom

I had spent the last few days contemplating on writing about this. A topic I rarely find easy to share about. I didn’t want to time it where it was close to Mother’s Day and ruin it for anyone else.

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“I know this may not be the same story for everyone but it is something I struggle with every Mother’s Day.”

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As a child, I spent a lot of time with extended families who babysat me for my Dad. Aunts, friends, and neighbours. I spent much of my childhood having to move around and never really being in one place. I was raised by my aunt (my dad’s sister-in-law), from the age of three to nine. She did end up leaving to come to Canada when I was seven. Her oldest son who was left behind, his wife and their baby would end up taking over. It would be another two years before I would leave to Canada. I was nine years old.

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What I have learned from studying in the field of education with children is that, the first six years of a child’s life is the most critical for parents to invest the time in. It’s so important for their development, and what that time contributes to who they’re becoming.

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I remember as a child thinking my aunt was my mom. I fought for her attention, fought with my cousins that I was no different from them. I did things to gain her love. I wanted to be hers, and I wanted to be claimed, someones. When she left, I was devastated. Like a piece of my soul chipped at, for losing someone closest to a mom. I was so excited to see her again when I came to Canada, but her view of me would change. There would be a wall between us, that separated me from her. She had her own family, I wasn’t hers. I couldn’t have her. A few years down the line, that broken line would have her betray me. I trusted her, I thought she cared about me, and she would out me like a bad story. The part of me who loved her is now gone. It still makes me sad.

Don’t go chasing something that was never meant to be yours.

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I would later on try to build bonds with my dad’s women friends, the moms of my friends, and every other moms I would later on meet. The heartbreak it came with, was so overwhelming. To constantly fail at being someones. I tried so hard to be wanted. I just wanted what everyone had. I wanted that nurturing love, that love that’s there when your world is crumbling down, when your heart is hurting so bad, that love that comes so unconditionally because, YOU ARE HERS.

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All my failures at finding HER in others, eventually made me feel numb. I stopped looking. I stopped wanting that. I stopped caring. It would eventually sit in the back burner where a ton of my experiences have been sitting and burning away.

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JUST LET GO…

Here I am, a mother of three. The most wonderful accomplishment in my life. The chance I never got to have for me, but now I’m giving to my three beautiful children. Every mother’s day, my heart hurts. It hurts for what I can’t fully celebrate. A day I don’t really care for. But also a day that brings me so much pride. I am a Mother!

Apollo

Artemis

Cassiopeia

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Ryan Jon’s Mother’s Day Message

Wherever you are…

“Time has passed. I’ve mourn your loss. I wonder at times, if you’re okay. If you’re still alive. If you ever thought of me. The most painful thing for me is being angry with you. It affects me at any given moment. I wonder how it would have been if you were here. Do I have siblings? I would love that. Did you ever come looking for me? Did I mean much to you, even after you left? If you could have the chance to see me now, would you? Why did you give me away? Why didn’t you fight for me? Why wasn’t I enough? Does your heart hurt the way mine does, because we share one. If you could see me now, would you be proud? You’re a grandmother to three beautiful babies. I am everything, you never was. Sure you struggled. Sure you were alone. Why did he leave you? Does he even know about me? I don’t know anything about this part of me. I wish you had left me with something. I wish you had fought harder. I wish that the time I lost, is a struggle you battle each and every day. I am broken, I am hurt. I needed you. I wanted you. I just needed you to look back. This is something I will forever carry in my heart. As time lapse, I hope for one thing only, to let go of you and stop the heartbreak.
— Happy Mother’s Day, from the daughter you never had.–“

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HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL OF YOU!

To all the moms out there who grind each and every day for their little loved ones, to the ones who have lost theirs, to the ones who are trying to have just one, to the ones who had no choice but to give theirs up, to ones doing it all alone, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU. You are most loved, no matter what!

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Apollo, Artemis & Cassiopeia

“I’m not always the mom you want me to be. But I will always be the mom, you need. I won’t always do things right, I won’t always give you everything you want. But I will always be here by your side, to hold your hand through anything and everything. I will always love you from the depths of my soul. For all the moments you feel defeated, know I am always cheering you on. I will always help you get up again. I will do things you won’t always understand, but know that in everything I do..I do it because I love you. I hope nothing but for you guys to grow up to be kind people. To love one another through everything and be there for each other, always. I pray for you that your life be full and blessed. I pray that your heart achieves all the things you want in this world. Even when time has gone, remember always that Mom loves you forever.”

♥

MM, out!

Blogger Recognition Award

“In the moments when all I can round up is the women I have been blessed to find online, she would find herself to be one of those people who just reaches out to you and comforts you with wisdom.”

Ten days ago, I was completely floored when I read my messages. There I found an uplifting message from a fellow and friend blogger, Robin of The Mama Playbook an honest and funny blogger on motherhood and family. Robin is one of the few mom bloggers that I have been able to create a friendship with, even from a digital perspective. She has always extended her hand for more than being colleagues in the field of blogging, but also as moms and individuals. She has always provided me with sweet, and encouraging messages. In the moments when all I can round up is the women I have been blessed to find online, she would find herself to be one of those people who just reaches out to you with wisdom.

How My Blog Started

I had officially started blogging years ago. Never having it public. I’ve had a few accounts, from forgetting passwords or just creating a totally new blog from the different seasons in my life. About a year ago, the day after my birthday, I began writing. Writing about the things that weighed heavy in my heart. The limitless amount of thoughts that lingered in my head. All jumbled up, unable to shine and get the proper recognition of what it may be trying to get across. The more that I wrote, the more that I realize a lot of the things I’m writing about may be something someone else can relate to. The more that I wrote, the more that it dawned to me how much other moms out there were looking for a helping hand in sharing experiences.

Moms have it tough (not to say anyone else don’t). Moms in general are selfless, worry worms, with a memory bank of forever. They have so much to say, but can’t because well they mostly have just their children to talk to. If you needed to know, it would require a baby translator to even, in the slightest bit have a intelligent conversation with. Babies have a lot of good things to say, it’s just that nobody can friggin’ understand them. I should know, my one year old literally yells at me from frustration, trying to tell me how her ducky attacked her while sitting on the ducks face.  

Aside from the fact that I wanted to be able to share my thoughts and have other women find comfort in it–that they aren’t alone. I wanted to jot down all the things I couldn’t remember after a day. I realize now, that it was because I suffered from Postpartum Depression. Writing allows me to keep some kind of tabs on my experience. It allows me to reflect on my journey in motherhood and to be able to have a place with all my thoughts, available in the future (I save them). Hand written some.

“When experiencing Postpartum Depression, a lot of the times your mind tends to be foggy. You have a difficult time remembering. You struggle to keep track of the simplest tasks you had just thought of doing ten minutes ago, but now all of a sudden you can’t remember for the life of you what it was.”

Two Piece of Advice I Would Give to New Bloggers

1. Write For You, first. Know WHY you’re writing first of all. Know what your purpose is behind blogging. Is it to make money? Is it to get across your views out there to share with other same minded people? Is it to remember these moments for yourself because we all get older, and we can’t recall everything. When you write, write for yourself. Write something you’d be happy with, to read over and over again, and not something you feel would bring traffic to your blog. You want to be able to capture your readers. Have them take something from it.
2. DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF OR YOUR BLOG WITH Veteran Bloggers. There are tons of bloggers that have been doing this years before you. They have learned all the tools they need to share their blogs accordingly. What they have on their site, the numbers of followers, readers, shares, or any of that they built themselves with time. You are a new blogger, who will eventually get there. Do not compare your start with someone who’s already been on a journey. It will not help your blog serve its purpose.

The 15 Bloggers – Nomination for Bloggers Recognition Award

1. Our Cookery by Ant
2. Short Sweet Mom by Tiffany
3. The Gifted Gabber by Amy
4. The Messy Bun Mama by Morgan
5. Blooming Brilliant by Christine
6. Adventures At Home – Dedreanna
7. This Cool Mom Blog by Jaime
8. Everyones Sleeping But Mom by Kristyn
9. Little Bit of Learning by Laura
10. Pretty Loved by Kristin
11. Bettys Battleground by Elizabeth
12. U Ready Teddy by Devon
13. No You Need to Calm Down by Tina
14. Glossy Babe by Jennifer
15. Home Bound But Hopeful by Kate

These women, not only have provided a safe place online to provide other women with resources and beautiful art that they willingly share, but their journey that help so many one way or another. Each one of these women, have made an impact in my experience as a blogger and most specially as a person. Thank you, ladies!

Thank you again, Robin!♥

The Bloggers Recognition Award – Rules for Participating

• Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog
• Write a post to show your award
• Give a brief story of how your blog started
• Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers
• Select 15 other bloggers you want to give this award to
• Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them and provide the link to the post you created.

Thanks for reading! I hope you check out these wonderful bloggers and share in their journey with plenty of helpful resources for you to read!

MM, out!

Hello, shock !

It’s been 12 days since I wrote. 12 days since I tried to sit and write. 12 days since I’ve felt motivated to write a post or even think of anything inspiring to share. I don’t know if I have any of that for you today, I’m running kinda low on me. But this is what I got, hear me out.

J and I have always worked hard to achieve our goals in our life together. To be able to take care of our family and keep everyone safe, happy and healthy. But as you know, achieving these things isn’t easy nor does it come without sacrifice. 

J has been working hard and long the last couple of weeks.  It’s been quite a challenging one for the two of us and especially on the kids. They rarely see their dad during the day.  But with most parents who work, this is the reality. Last night after work, J went to a concert with a few of his buddies from work.  Which he deserves. Well this meant, I was alone all day with the kids. He didn’t get home until around 11 p.m. and he was out of the house before the sun even came up. Yesterday was very challenging with Apollo and it proved to me how much I feel like a failure 88% of the time, being his mother.

Apollo had managed to get under my skin, push all the buttons that trigger ‘crazy mom’ and absolutely lose all senses to him that notify him mommy is about to turn hulk. I lost the battle all day and at the end of the night, I just cried. 

It was the girls crying, needing all day, on top of necessary duties around the house. It was feed the kids, change their diapers, wash their hands, give them snack, play with them, talk to them, password for the iPad, change the show, sing to me, carry me, and the day seemed endless. Then you top those requests with 2 second intervals of Apollo’s needs, right now, right here. I lost to yesterday. And I’m still paying for it today. 

I am super exhausted. I’m tired. I cannot adult today nor mother today. So I’m missing steps, forgetting my knows, and I’ve lost more than half of my brain today. 

I realize that in all this, that I can’t do it all. I can’t handle it all. There isn’t enough of me. Today is sad. Today is tired.  Today is a write-off. But there are more days to come, I hope they’re better. 

I have to prepare myself to have more days like yesterday, because sometime soon, J will be deployed for work. This means, I’ll have to do this alone. My way. My rules. Just me. 

I miss J, already. 

from a tired me, 

xo, MM. 

Mommy Friends

Apollo had made friends in the last two months he was at his new school. It wasn’t too hard for him to adjust socially, since he’s always been a personable kind of kid. 

He had been wanting to go over to a friend’s house for quite a while. But we just never got around adjusting to it as parents. He’s never really done the whole play date thing, unless it was happening at our place. We finally got around to entertaining the idea, and he had his first play date at his friends house a few weeks back.  

I realize that it doesn’t just benefit him, but also benefits us/me. Being new to the area, J and I have yet to really commit to making new friends. One, J is usually busy with work and by the time he gets home there isn’t much room to go off and meet new people. Which leaves me, with trying since I’m home most of the time.  

It’s important to put yourself out there. While I’m still not as comfortable making friends with Apollo’s friends parents, it is important for his relationships to grow and flourish. How would he find a new best friend after all?

Tonight R’s mom invited me over for a get together at her house with a few friends for her birthday. She had been celebrating all week and perhaps, she thought of me to get to know some new people.  It’s nice of her. I’ve been quite nervous and anxious about the whole thing, since I’m more awkward than anything with meeting new people. But this should be fun for this busy mama. 

Anyway just thought I’d share with you guys some stuff that also helps me grow as a mom. It’s always important to recognize these types of experiences. I am after all a person too. 

xo, MM 

Half Point

It’s been nineteen days since my last post. It’s been crazy busy in the last few weeks, with small minor details consuming our days. It’s not very often when we get ‘down time’. There’s always plenty to do. Aside from mommy duties, there are a ton of stay-at-home mom stuff that needs tending to.

The last three weeks, seemed to have been a little easier with going out. Exactly three weeks ago, I got my license to legally drive. It’s been great to to just go when you have to. I’ve taken Apollo on ‘mommy and kuya’ dates, frozen yogurt treats with Arty, and small ventures to the grocery and Starbucks for some ‘me-time’.

Apollo was to spend two weeks at his grandparents in Toronto, but half-way through his mini-vacation away from home, he missed us and wanted to come home. We drove to Toronto, two consecutive weekends in a row. Dropping him off, and then picking him up. He, of course, changed his mind, the minute we arrived. Bribed with the thoughts of camping in the backyard with Papa, and other small adventures with the person he admires most, Papa. We didn’t end up letting him stay, because missing him was just too much. So now, the house is filled with noise, running around, and constant ‘mommy can I play on the Wii-u”, “watch YouTube”, “play NHL on the PS4”, and so on. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The girls and I have been sick this week. In the middle of summer, it’s always fun to be sick…said nobody! Perhaps, we’re all just a little tired and then some.

Does anybody know what happened to summer? It’s already half way done. It seems like it was just last week, when Apollo finished Grade 1, and we’re excited about the summer at home. Now, it’s half way over and we’re thinking about school shopping for Grade 2. On that same note; Apollo is going to Grade 2. Whoa. Where did the time go? I can’t believe he’s going into Grade 2. It’s all too fast.

Two months from now it’s Halloween, and it’ll be Cassi’s first Halloween. Then two months after that, it’s Christmas. I’m not mad though. Christmas is the most exciting time of the year in my household. We absolutely love Christmas. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the one who gets everyone riled up about it. But hey, I can’t wait. It’s definitely exciting to decorate and have the kids celebrate this wonderful time. It puts an emphasis on Family, not that it’s not emphasized enough throughout the year. But it makes it a must! I can’t wait!

I realize this post barely has anything for you to ponder about. But then again, I said I would only share what I had in mind.

Hope you have a wonderful Tuesday…wait, it’s Wednesday!

Just a rant of updates for you.

 

xo, MM

 

Smell the Dew

It’s quite a good morning.  Aside from the banging in the back as the neighbours roof gets done. The banging must have started at least an hour ago. As I sit in the backyard having my morning coffee, I’m blessed to have another day to love my family, to live, to do things differently, to take risks, to make choices, to start new. 

On a clear head, one is able to appreciate the blessing of life God has created. To be loved so much, one is given the bountiful of life. Think of that for a minute. 

I woke up seeing all my children sleeping peacefully in one room, something that I often wake up to. It’s amazing to see what two people are able to create.  

After having Apollo, things went on full speeds. I rarely get to bask myself in the beauty of being a mother, where I am fully present in the moments. It’s really hard when you’re head is constantly keeping tracks of motherhood duties. But this morning, this morning I woke up at six.  I woke up feeling good. I woke up feeling content. As hard as motherhood gets at times and you all know how often overwhelming comes from a close distance, I am thankful and grateful for having the life I have and the people I love the most be HERE with me.  

My heart is full. I AM A MOTHER, above all things, and this is the best gift I could ever have. 

My children doesn’t see the mess, they don’t see the dirty dishes, they don’t see the hardship that comes with being an adult, they don’t worry the way adults do. Their innocence relinquish ‘the bad’ in the world.  They see only those who they love and love them back. They see the world with love, with compassion, with kindness, with joy. 

The most precious gifts to the world are children. 

Today there is hope. Today, a new day, gives new love, new beginnings, new outlook, new life, new blessings. 

Happy Friday, every one! 

xo, MM 

Reaching achievements

It’s been four lessons since I started practicing for my g2. I must say, I feel more confident now than I did before. Never being the one to drive with anyone else but J, narrowed my thoughts of being ‘able to drive’. I spent four lessons (4 hours) with Pami. I covered, one-way routes, parallel parking, forward parking, and reverse parking. My most feared test was parallel parking, but it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. Mind you, I’ve no examiner ticking points off at my tiny mishaps. 

Next, is my driving test this Wednesday. Bright and early at 8:25. I’ve opted to have one more practice with Pami, to refresh my mind and calm my nerves before the examiner sit-in with me.  I’m certain the nerves will continue to pounce me just until I begin that test, like any other tests/exams I’ve ever taken in my lifetime.  

So here we are, another achievement in my lifetime.  I have to say, I wouldn’t be this brave, if it wasn’t for J.

I’ll let you know how that exam goes. Hopefully I’ll be g2 licensed by the time I conjure up some next update for you all! Cross your fingers and pray for the people on the road that morning! LOL 

Some things in life are impossible until someone pushes you to go and do it. 

xo, MM

A headless lion

Today proved itself to be an overwhelming one.  

Since summer has commenced for the oldest of my three, he’s been home with me all morning and all afternoon and then some. These past few days have been more than I can take with trying to get through the day with him. It seems that he’s found ‘bad behaviour’ to be a fun game. His attitude is sky rocketing, his listening skills has weakened even more, and ignoring his parents to be a habit. So you would believe, how difficult it is to get through the day with him alone. Then you sprinkle in the needs of the two girls somewhere between, my scolding Apollo to please listen and care to use his brain, to juggling the tears between the two girls for whatever it is they need/want. 

Today, I am exhausted.  Today, I can’t mom. Today, I am not as strong-willed. Today, I feel incapable to parent. Today, I feel like my everyday routine is too much. Today, I am at my last string of positive. 

J and I did not plan much for this summer, in terms of trips.  Why? Because there just isn’t room in the schedule with J’s work. So our trips won’t actually start till Winter. This means, the four of us (the three kids and me) are stuck at home, until J gets home from work. Windsor doesn’t offer much in terms of activities for children. In Toronto, you can get to the zoo, go to Canada’s Wonderland (theme park), head to a variety of park options, shops, malls, etc. So the kids and me are mostly home. In the next few weeks, Apollo is to spend two weeks at his grandparents. It luckily ties in with Apollo’s grandfather’s vacation time. So as expected, Apollo had thought up to spend time there and luckily his grandparents have approved the idea. 

Two weeks without Apollo is a break for me to mother two instead of three you’d think. But the separation anxiety has already kicked-in. Apollo is rarely away from home for any type of sleepover adventures. Perhaps we’ve chosen to raise him this way to understand the importance of learning what it means ‘to be home’. There isn’t really many opportunities for us to sleep away from home.  One, we’ve got two younger children and thats just a challenge on its own, and second, it’s not a necessity for us to be out and about constantly, requiring to stay at a variety of places. Apollo has taken trips around Ontario while he was very little, staying at hotels and resorts, but not as often enough for him to ‘miss home’. 

In terms of activities this summer, I figured day-camp would busy Apollo until school returns (day-camp will have to wait till august), with a side of investing in some type of mental work into a work book for grade 2’s we’ve found at Costco. He will afterall be a grade 2 pupil next September.  I’ve always invested in these work books since he began his academic journey. It helps with his intellectual phase, and allows him to stimulate his brain on the daily without letting it get too lazy, especially during summer breaks. It has immensely helped him, and the only negative is his boredom to continue doing them when the school year begins. In turn though, his frustration to finishing last during exercises at school, will be fixed since his mind should recall the same exercises from the books and push him to think faster.  It’s all important, as blah-blah-blah as it is to read through this paragraph. 

Trying to get him to invest time into these work books during summer is a complete battle I’ve purposely placed myself in. Simply because he’d rather be doing something more finger-worthy like YouTube, wii-u, etc. But I am his mother, and he is my child. It’s my responsibility to keep the teaching going for as long as he can choose to learn.  So this constant battle with doing work books, cuts into the focus I have for the two girls. It’s funny how you’re never truly 100% focus with each child, but rather cut into so many tiny pieces trying to tend to everything titled ‘for mom to do’. I’m a terrible mother. 

Arty is quite challenging these days, between constant eating, to stimulating activities, I’m super exhausted trying to keep up with her. Then there’s Cassi who rarely and barely needs too much but just to be fed, burped, changed, cradled to nap, and play until she tires out her legs.

Oh but the dishes’ stink call out to me, the food that’s managed to graced the floor instead of the tummies of their masters require sweeping before the middle one finds it to stash away for back-up snacks. The cooking and the feeding and the tidying up and the…There’s too much! 

My brain feels pretty fried at this moment. I’m certain today is one of those days I’ve most certainly had before, but I’m losing to because today I really just cannot lion. 

The girls are due for a nap. I’ve left Apollo to finish off the few pages I’ve assigned him. It has yet been ten minutes since I laid the girls in bed, and he’s already creaked my door open for nonsense inquiries. Ugh! Is it night time yet? Can I sleep this off yet, and start a new day tomorrow? 

P.s. the coffee didn’t work. It must the reason for this gloomy day. Rain is coming. 

xo, MM 

When Peanut Butter hits the fan

It has been quite hard on J and me lately. We’ve found ourselves misunderstanding each other, and unable to find the string that connects us. It’s not rare for these moments to occur, especially when you’re parenting three kids, tending to life on the daily, and crossing off responsibilities on the constant. It’s very hard for J and me to have a moment alone. We don’t ever get the chance to go on dates, alone, or have a moment to hear ourselves converse. It gets tricky when you have children (I’m sure you can all relate to this).

Well? What happens when you’ve had just enough of parenting, and you try to find each other through the dirt, the mess, and the chaos of being parents? You sometimes don’t. So I guess, that’s what’s happening with us. We’re getting all our times mixed-up, and our priorities for each other lost.

I miss him. I see him everyday. We don’t ever get to cuddle anymore. The kids are always occupying the space between us. I wanna tell him secrets. The kids will hear. I miss holding him, as I fall asleep. Arty’s taken my spot, and the arm I used to cling to.

He mentioned we should get a babysitter or a nanny, so we could go out. I spent ten minutes after that telling him with anxiety how terrible I feel about it. I couldn’t imagine leaving my kids with a stranger, because I want a moment to myself. That’s the thing. I don’t know what I’m willing to give up. I feel like the juggle can only be done by me. The feeling of leaving the kids with a total stranger, just boggles my mind. I couldn’t. What if something happens to my babies? Why shouldn’t I be the first to be there, if they ever got hurt. What if that stranger is bad? Ugh. What am I willing to give up for a couple of ours of J & M-time?

My heart feels a little heavy lately. I can’t seem to find the string that connects J and me. It bothers me because we’re important too.

Any words of wisdom?

 

xo, MM