no streams

Here’s my open letter to you.

“An understanding mind, may categorize the reasons you had to give me up. An understanding mind, may have been able to give you peace about the decisions you’ve made. 

Time, and time again, I wonder.

I wonder, why? I wonder, how?

I’m now a mother of two, and a third one, on the way. I wonder, if I ever felt the poverty, the unfairness of life, the unluckiness, the inabilities; even half of what you felt, would I have done the same..oh wait… I know how it feels to struggle. To live, paycheque, to paycheque with a child. How worrying it is to not know where, or how the rent was going to be paid, or any of the bills, for that matter. I know how it feels to buy just enough for what we need because..LIFE!

Would I have given up as easily, as you did? Would I have not tried? Would I have been able to look at my child for the last time, and spend the rest of my life, however, wherever, not being able to look at my kids again?

I wonder, would I have the strength to give them up? Could I have done it?

It isn’t a matter of strong hearts, strong minds, or greediness. 

I could’t. I wouldn’t. I am greedy for it. But I would have died trying to survive, to GIVE MY CHILD a future, MYSELF. I would have died, with them in my arms. 

Maybe I’m stubborn. Maybe I’m irrational. Maybe I’m illogical. 

How could you? Why didn’t you become better, and came back for me? Why wasn’t I enough? What you thought was best for me, also left me in the long run. Are you still proud of your decision? 

The root of the anger, the root of the sadness, the root of my shortcomings, the root of things that I never came to know, and learn, is because you left. I can’t seem to shake off the feeling, the resentment..it eats at me, when the moment presents itself. When those moments arrive, I lose grip of what I’ve worked so hard to mend. All the pieces I’ve managed to glue back together, shattered again.

Now that I’m older, it haunts me more often. It breaks me, more often. It kills me, more often. While I use the happiness, of the blessings that have come from it, I still find myself lost, unable to let go.

You left me, when I couldn’t yet cry out to you. You left me when I couldn’t yet say to you, I’m worth it, just give me a chance. You left me when I couldn’t yet, tell you I can eventually help us. You just gave up.

You just left. And now I’m to just accept it?“

 

xo, MM

 

Repost from Tumblr – December 17, 2015

Just get it out.

I have been entertaining the idea of writing a ‘book’ for several years now. I’ve also written, or began to, or thought I could have something a few years ago that’s dusting the pages in my Evernote account.

I don’t know if it’s writers block, or if it’s the brain-cells I don’t have, that I can’t seem to get it going. Maybe, it’s the type of book I want to write..where it may require closure. Maybe it’s the closure part, I’m afraid of. To have to feel things, as it comes.

Any suggestions?

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This Christmas marks Arty’s first one. First tree, first decorating tradition, first time putting the tree topper with J, first time seeing all the lights, and ornaments, first time marking one of the traditions we’ve always had in our family, for Arty.

It’s an amazing feeling.