Breaking (s) point.

I envy those who have a breaking point and step forward from there they begin to heal, they begin to piece things together, they begin to see the light in their darkness.

I’ve had some of those, but it never stuck.

I’m staring at my daughter, looking at her sing in words she babbles to a song she’s never heard before. As she looks at me singing to my soul, in her eyes I wonder if she knows me. Knows me more than mom who fetches her milk, feeds her as she needs, and cradles her to rest. 

I wonder if amidst all the things I do on the daily that’s mostly repetitive from days I could barely remember-if I still know me. 

I’ve been feeling kind of lost. Unasked to settle in the now and find peace in what my life IS NOW. I’m not unhappy in where I am in my life or the people on the daily that blesses me with laughter, kindness, love, friendship, support, and all the good things that kindness brings about. I’m grateful for the family I’ve been blessed to have.  For the life I’ve had to this point. But a part of me still lingers in question and wonder of where I root myself. I wonder if I’ll get out of the funk I’ve been in, feeling complacent, feeling lost, feeling less than accomplished. 

My body has been failing lately. I hate to admit that I can’t do everything, because lord knows I try. But my body is telling me otherwise. My back has been in pain for the last couple of days, feeling worst today. The numbness troubles me, wondering if it’s anything to be alarmed about. But perhaps it’s all just a sign of exhaustion and tiredness. I’m praying it subtles it’s pestering. 

There’s a lot in my head..just can’t find the right thing to express it. Perhaps I hold back on myself too. 

xo, MM 

It weighs less to stop thinking too much 

I’ve often found my past to be a neusance. It appears in moments like a puzzled film. It captures the state of my current heart only to fracture what I’ve managed to heal back together. I often like to dwell in pretending I’m some kind of superhero who can heal myself, with whatever kind of wounds that ceases my being in times when I’m strong. And one thing that always breaks me down; in moments of their weakness are my children.

I thought about the instances I’ve recently found myself in. Moments that wiggle themselves out from negative vibes. More recently it seems, I’ve a harder time finding the patience, understanding and courage to assess what’s happening with my son. He sits at number seven, and finds himself in the state of ‘bad to the bone’. I’m at my wits, trying to figure out how to ‘fix’ what’s being broken. Perhaps, I’m losing sight at the strands of what breaks him. Perhaps my visions are what needs fixing rather than catching only what he breaks. 

My son is the most sweetest, kindest, purest heart I’ve ever come to know (with the exception of my two girls who share this heart). His smile, it literally lifts you up from the pits of darkness one has managed to find themselves imprisoned in. His love for fun, intimidates ones very being because, sometimes when you’ve transformed into an adult, you lose your sense of innocence. I find its harder for me to sift through my chaos, to connect with him in his state of cognitive process. 

Tonight, a fellow blogger (@mikemadigan) made me see things in a different tone. 

It’s been stated many times before, ‘being a mother is hard’. It’s even more difficult when you’ve got demons you’ve yet to face. Perhaps what holds me back are my annoying fears, that like to sneak up to remind me I’ve got changes to stamp in the present, so that tomorrow may not sting as much. What I don’t realize is how much my vision of tomorrow, breaks my present time. 

We could all use a little less thinking and a little more feeling.

After all, those are the basis in which my son mostly functions in. I’ve forgotten to feel, so much so, he’s slowly drifting from me.  My very fear in being a mother. 

I shall stop blaming my past, and work on the now. My son deserves better! 

I’m hungry. It’s too late to snack. Tomorrow I’ve an hour of spare with Pami. I’m taking her for a drive again.
xo, MM

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