‘Take back my peace of mind’

I had managed to finally leave the house for more than errands and coffee runs, but to actually sit down with this heavy laptop and begin to feel the keys for it inspires my next thoughts.

As my finger tap, tap, tap, my heart slowly begins to open, for I’ve already the idea on what this post would become.

Last night I had a coffee date with my new friend, M. She’s been very helpful to me this week with my back pain. She’s offered every day to take Apollo to school and home. I don’t know how I would have survived this week without her. From someone who has a hard time asking for help-not because of pride, but merely because in my head I believe I’m some kind of superhero who can take on everything and get it done! But, this week has proved me wrong, my body has never failed me this bad, and it proved me that just as fast as I can conjure up the outcomes from the needs of my family, I can also fail just as fast.

As we sat outside the coffee shop, braving the cool air, we begin to converse about life. We both realized how much in common we have. She gets most of the things I managed to share with her. I appreciate how observant she is, and how willing she was to be so helpful even though we’ve only met each other over the summer. It’s quite refreshing. She noticed how I didn’t seem myself this week, and that tells me her qualities as a person. I’m glad we met.

Fast forward…

I’ve been feeling out of it lately, just running through tasks as it comes, and not really being present as I get through them. It’s becoming harder and harder to trace the day for me. I wake up, I feel down, I get through the day, and at the end of the night as soon as my head hits the pillow I refuse to close my eyes. I’m afraid that the faster my eyes close, the further I get from myself. The harder the next day will be. The longer the day will be. And time would just swallow me.

A part of me feels stuck for the feelings that linger about my past. I wonder how I can let it go. I wonder how much longer this part of me, that I know nothing about will continue to run my life in the moments it takes. It feels like the more I pretend it isn’t there, the more it begins to eat at me. I haven’t had one moment all week that I’ve forgotten the heartache attached to it. Questions lists itself over and over again in my head, consuming my silence. I look at my children and the moment begins to feel like I don’t know who I am and the room starts spinning, my heart starts racing, and in an instant as soon as my daughter calls out to me, I’m her mom all over again.

One day, I will find the very thing that holds my heart hostage from being able to feel even the slightest bit of joy not for the things I’m already blessed with, but for the things that I cannot find the answers to. One day, I’ll kiss away the pain, like a love that has respect, and kindness but no heart. One day I’ll recover from my roots and be content at what I’ve become instead. 

 

xo, MM

Mommy Friends 

Apollo had made friends in the last two months he was at his new school. It wasn’t too hard for him to adjust socially, since he’s always been a personable kind of kid. 

He had been wanting to go over to a friend’s house for quite a while. But we just never got around adjusting to it as parents. He’s never really done the whole play date thing, unless it was happening at our place. We finally got around to entertaining the idea, and he had his first play date at his friends house a few weeks back.  

I realize that it doesn’t just benefit him, but also benefits us/me. Being new to the area, J and I have yet to really commit to making new friends. One, J is usually busy with work and by the time he gets home there isn’t much room to go off and meet new people. Which leaves me, with trying since I’m home most of the time.  

It’s important to put yourself out there. While I’m still not as comfortable making friends with Apollo’s friends parents, it is important for his relationships to grow and flourish. How would he find a new best friend after all?

Tonight R’s mom invited me over for a get together at her house with a few friends for her birthday. She had been celebrating all week and perhaps, she thought of me to get to know some new people.  It’s nice of her. I’ve been quite nervous and anxious about the whole thing, since I’m more awkward than anything with meeting new people. But this should be fun for this busy mama. 

Anyway just thought I’d share with you guys some stuff that also helps me grow as a mom. It’s always important to recognize these types of experiences. I am after all a person too. 

xo, MM 

LoverFriends

Do you ever wonder when you’ll meet ‘the one’? Ever wonder when you’ll get to marry your prince charming? If you’ll live the rest of your life like a fairytale?

I’ve never been the kind of girl who dreamed up her wedding day, her wedding dress, or the kind of guy I’ll marry. I never believed in fairy tales, and the only reason why I love ‘The Beauty & The Beast’ is because, she sacrificed herself for her Father. Time, and time again I cry to the same part when her dad was in the forest, afraid, and had to leave his daughter.

In high-school I thought, if I had to, I’d marry a rich, old man who is close to dying, and I would burry him, and take all his fortune.

I never thought about kids either, especially when I’ve spent my whole life thinking, I’m undeserving of a family, or for that matter anyone to love me.

J, and I don’t keep track of the years we’ve been together. We don’t have an anniversary either, because we can’t seem to recall when we actually began dating. We enjoyed each other’s company, and we hung out, and I don’t know when that even began and ended. So, we’re not big on special-couples events.

Though we don’t know our special-date, what I do know is, the first time we began dating, I loved him. I loved him, in that way where butterflies shoot out of your stomach; where your heart flutters like it’s singing a carol.

J, was, and sometimes still is, that guy who falls under ‘the bad boy’ type. That’s probably what I love the most about him. I didn’t have to be good all the time, I had fun with him, we laughed all the time, there were no pressure to be anyone, or anything. He was my friend.

He was there through the bad stuff. He was there for the good stuff. He’s still there for all the things I hope for, and want to achieve. He supports me in all that I do, supports me in all that I say (even when he doesn’t agree), he dreams with me, he achieves things with me, I love him for all that he is for me, and for us.

 

xo, MM

 

 

Repost from Tumblr – December 6, 2015

We Broke Up

December 4th, 2015

In keeping up with the trend of this gloomy day, and sad blog posts, here’s another for ya.

I recall just turning ten, before the summer time and soon a new school year would begin. Two different people, with two different personalities would collide, and an outcome inevitable for greatness. It was ‘98, when I first met you. Ms.Young’s class. You sat in the second row from the door, at the end of that row. You never raised your hand to answer her questions, nor did you speak much unless spoken to. I often laid my head on the side boards by the door. My row consisted of Mark Purdy, and he was my only friend in the beginning of the school year. He wore these green, plaid pants all the time, with a green knitted sweater. Looking at him, reminded me of Christmas all the time!

Recess, I’d try to cross paths with you, but you had built roots and friends with people I have yet to figure out. I was the one looking in from the outside, even though I was the loud and obnoxious one between us. I wasn’t shy to approach you. Perhaps a game of tag was how we finally became friends. But those memories are sometimes a blur in my mind. We were inseparable. We were together before, and after school. We walked to, and from school together. We shared lunches, clothes, pencil crayons, markers, everything we obsessed about as children.

As time passed, I noticed an undeniable consistency. I was always the one in a rut, problematic at home, outside of home, and in life in general. You always saved me, even if it meant saying sorry for my faults. But we’d soon drift because High School came, and grade nine would pass. It was only the inevitable that we would split-up come grade ten. You found new friends. Different types of friends. Friends I couldn’t belong with.

It would take losing something special to you for us to get back together. I guess we were both just used to me losing all the time and if it ever was you, it would be a lot harder. That time was rough. It was hard. It still is and I get it. But time is passing, things will never be the same. To subconsciously dwell, and find yourself no where, with no passion, just riding on temporary waves, and fake romances, would never get you out. It would never change your life. You wouldn’t see better things, you wouldn’t experience greater things. To be still, and to have your feet planted where it’s hip deep, would never give you the life you can have. Is it so bad to want more?

We’ve drifted yet again, because our lives are just too different and we’ve just moved on. Lets be honest. Let’s be truthful, we don’t love each other the way we used to. We don’t yearn for the same type of relationship we used to have. Our differences is no longer, what brings us together. I say things, you listen. It gets boring, when I’m the only one ever trying to make sense of things. The effort is there, from my part. But you’re stuck in some depression, I can’t pull you out of. You give no effort, you give no importance, you show no tries, then what’s the point?

Goodbye, we’re broken up.

xoxo, MM

 

 

 

Repost from Tumblr (since not all my blogs from there got exported properly)

My chance.

Life has a way with experiences. Most of them, one you must learn from. Which means, it sucks, half the time. I can’t lie that the struggle to figure out life’s purpose for me, is really frustrating, and difficult at times. But what’s great about having to go through all that, is being so lucky to have someone.

Someone once said to me, “you get ONE CHANCE to have someone who’s good, who will love you with honesty, who will fill your life with happiness. Hold on to that, don’t let it go.”

I never used to believe in chances. I thought chances were for losers who couldn’t get their shit right, and had to be given a new one everytime to correct themselves, was such a cheat.

But…

image

I got my chance to have someone be there for me, be there for the struggles in life. For the times when I’m outta my wits, and I need someone to pick-me-up out my rut, he’s that person. He’s my person. He’s my best friend. He’s my spirit animal, he’s my better half!

I am so thankful to be able to say that this person has so much patience for me, so much understanding, so much heart, such generosity, and such perfect silence, in the right moments, he blows me away.

His love is so raw, so honest, so big, and filled with so much it even gives more to our children, in every pocket.

He’s the epitome of a man’s, man. The epitome of a true leader. The epitome of a great father, and the epitome of the perfect husband.

I am forever thankful to have someone like him. Thankful to go through life with someone like him. Thankful for such an awesome partner to go on the adventures of parenthood. He definitely fills my heart, and my life with so much love, happiness, and joy.

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