no streams

Here’s my open letter to you.

“An understanding mind, may categorize the reasons you had to give me up. An understanding mind, may have been able to give you peace about the decisions you’ve made. 

Time, and time again, I wonder.

I wonder, why? I wonder, how?

I’m now a mother of two, and a third one, on the way. I wonder, if I ever felt the poverty, the unfairness of life, the unluckiness, the inabilities; even half of what you felt, would I have done the same..oh wait… I know how it feels to struggle. To live, paycheque, to paycheque with a child. How worrying it is to not know where, or how the rent was going to be paid, or any of the bills, for that matter. I know how it feels to buy just enough for what we need because..LIFE!

Would I have given up as easily, as you did? Would I have not tried? Would I have been able to look at my child for the last time, and spend the rest of my life, however, wherever, not being able to look at my kids again?

I wonder, would I have the strength to give them up? Could I have done it?

It isn’t a matter of strong hearts, strong minds, or greediness. 

I could’t. I wouldn’t. I am greedy for it. But I would have died trying to survive, to GIVE MY CHILD a future, MYSELF. I would have died, with them in my arms. 

Maybe I’m stubborn. Maybe I’m irrational. Maybe I’m illogical. 

How could you? Why didn’t you become better, and came back for me? Why wasn’t I enough? What you thought was best for me, also left me in the long run. Are you still proud of your decision? 

The root of the anger, the root of the sadness, the root of my shortcomings, the root of things that I never came to know, and learn, is because you left. I can’t seem to shake off the feeling, the resentment..it eats at me, when the moment presents itself. When those moments arrive, I lose grip of what I’ve worked so hard to mend. All the pieces I’ve managed to glue back together, shattered again.

Now that I’m older, it haunts me more often. It breaks me, more often. It kills me, more often. While I use the happiness, of the blessings that have come from it, I still find myself lost, unable to let go.

You left me, when I couldn’t yet cry out to you. You left me when I couldn’t yet say to you, I’m worth it, just give me a chance. You left me when I couldn’t yet, tell you I can eventually help us. You just gave up.

You just left. And now I’m to just accept it?“

 

xo, MM

 

Repost from Tumblr – December 17, 2015

Oh daddy, where art thou

Before I begin this entry, let me be the first to tell you that while most of my entries appear to be very personal and almost pitiful..the intention of what I share isn’t to influence your negative feelings or request your negative rants in response to how this may allow you to feel.

I have taken these honest views of my life so that others who may find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in these real, life matter ‘situations’. 

As I was…

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Dad & J hanging out with 1 & 3 (Apollo & Cassiopeia)

Yesterday was Fathers Day. We celebrated this event with my father- in-law since we’ve been in Toronto staying with them since last Tuesday, and we would be heading home a few hours after this.  It was your usual, cater to the Dads day. While I sat at the dining table having brunch with the family, I couldn’t help but wonder if I should call my Dad.  He is after all, a dad nonetheless even if not biologically. 

As I continued to think what my calls would bring about or if he would even answer, the thought began to disappear. It began to feel more like a chore and not from the heart.

I used to have the same sweet messages that most ‘child-of-someone’ had written and shared yesterday.

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3 years ago

But..in the last few years I’ve accepted that I’m no longer anyone’s child, and I no longer have a father that cares to be one. I merely have one now, just to say I’m still his adopted daughter because that can’t be changed, and vice versa.

I realize that in moments like these in my life, I’ve learned to turn off the emotion one is to feel about these types of things. I felt no ways about Fathers day. I only felt that my children should show their father appreciation everyday for loving them like no other. I felt my husband should convey to his dad whatever it is to let him know he loves him. But I..well, it was just another day. Just like mothers day. I expected nothing and the day went on like any other.

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He's an awesome Dad

Perhaps that part of me that envied others for the things and relationships they have which I’ll never be able to understand, have learned to switch itself off. I used to cry about it. I used to be so jealous. And now..as these days pass without a thought, the easier it gets for my heart to block it off. I’ve lost all emotions. My heat is as stiff as it gets. My mind, it’s taught itself to forget.

One day I’ll figure this part of me out. Until then..let’s keep going.

I’m out.

xo, MM

Mental Illness//’#BellLetsTalk’

iYesterday, ‘Bell’, a mobile/television network provider in Canada had it’s supportive initiative about bringing awareness to everyone about the importance of recognizing Mental Illness in our society.

Mental Illness is hard to talk about. Not everyone knows when its happening, or knows what to do when it does happen. There’s a stigma around it, that makes it hard for everyone to be one about it. It is a sensitive matter, and at some point in life people will experience this, maybe not always to its full extent but it happens to a lot of people, every day. 

I personally can relate to this. I have battled depression at many points in my life. I say many points, because I feel like it went away, and came back at certain times for me. But depression doesn’t go away. It merely hides in the back burner, and catches up with you when you least expect it. 

Depression isn’t a thing that you sort of choose to be in. It kinda just takes over you, not choosy of any specific situations. It isn’t that you’re too weak, or inexperience in life that you get into a rut, it’s just sometimes mentally, you get really lost, in the feelings. And everything in the feels kinda just mesh, and you’re a lost soul–until you get help. 

When you struggle with depression, it’s hard for anyone else to help you, unless they’re truly educated about it. You become distant, you become isolated, and it gets hard to socialize. You lose friends, sometimes family members from being in it. 

It’s probably the hardest thing I ever had to go through. To feel alone, to feel lost, to feel like there’s no point in anything. 

twentyseven, counts.

What I know now is that, people don’t last in relationships. Not in this lifetime, not in the next. I know that people choose to stay, but that sometimes break because, the heart only cares for so much, and so long. I know that love doesn’t always mean to stay, or to keep going. I know that love is sometimes, just for a season, a moment, a picture, a smile, a day, a reason, but never a lifetime.

When I was young, I had no idea what it meant to care for someone. I didn’t know what it meant to be a friend. I didn’t know what it meant to love someone. 

I took pride; like I knew what love was, in the things that mattered, just for the instances that they lasted. 

I watched time, people, things, pass. I’d sit by the bus stop and catch buses pass me, glances pass me, voices pass me. 

In this sadness dwell the purest definition of loss, of fear, of screams, of needing someone, of hoping for someone. Seasons have passed me, days have become years, and I stood the same, I felt the same, I cried about the same thing. 

I wanna tear myself up, scrape the sadness, scrape the insecurities, scrape the fears, take the sadness, and burn it. I wanna cry for the last time, and never again. Not for the sadness that dwell, ever again. 

Today, Yesterday, and maybe Tomorrow shall pass, and the day after, I wont feel so numb no more. 

As comfortable and romantic as it felt to walk alone, to see things, and find meaning; to ride on instances of wander, to wonder with no destination, I want no more of it. 

I wanna move on.

You don’t belong here anymore.

I was never yours. I don’t want you anymore.