‘Take back my peace of mind’

I had managed to finally leave the house for more than errands and coffee runs, but to actually sit down with this heavy laptop and begin to feel the keys for it inspires my next thoughts.

As my finger tap, tap, tap, my heart slowly begins to open, for I’ve already the idea on what this post would become.

Last night I had a coffee date with my new friend, M. She’s been very helpful to me this week with my back pain. She’s offered every day to take Apollo to school and home. I don’t know how I would have survived this week without her. From someone who has a hard time asking for help-not because of pride, but merely because in my head I believe I’m some kind of superhero who can take on everything and get it done! But, this week has proved me wrong, my body has never failed me this bad, and it proved me that just as fast as I can conjure up the outcomes from the needs of my family, I can also fail just as fast.

As we sat outside the coffee shop, braving the cool air, we begin to converse about life. We both realized how much in common we have. She gets most of the things I managed to share with her. I appreciate how observant she is, and how willing she was to be so helpful even though we’ve only met each other over the summer. It’s quite refreshing. She noticed how I didn’t seem myself this week, and that tells me her qualities as a person. I’m glad we met.

Fast forward…

I’ve been feeling out of it lately, just running through tasks as it comes, and not really being present as I get through them. It’s becoming harder and harder to trace the day for me. I wake up, I feel down, I get through the day, and at the end of the night as soon as my head hits the pillow I refuse to close my eyes. I’m afraid that the faster my eyes close, the further I get from myself. The harder the next day will be. The longer the day will be. And time would just swallow me.

A part of me feels stuck for the feelings that linger about my past. I wonder how I can let it go. I wonder how much longer this part of me, that I know nothing about will continue to run my life in the moments it takes. It feels like the more I pretend it isn’t there, the more it begins to eat at me. I haven’t had one moment all week that I’ve forgotten the heartache attached to it. Questions lists itself over and over again in my head, consuming my silence. I look at my children and the moment begins to feel like I don’t know who I am and the room starts spinning, my heart starts racing, and in an instant as soon as my daughter calls out to me, I’m her mom all over again.

One day, I will find the very thing that holds my heart hostage from being able to feel even the slightest bit of joy not for the things I’m already blessed with, but for the things that I cannot find the answers to. One day, I’ll kiss away the pain, like a love that has respect, and kindness but no heart. One day I’ll recover from my roots and be content at what I’ve become instead. 

 

xo, MM

It weighs less to stop thinking too much

I’ve often found my past to be a neusance. It appears in moments like a puzzled film. It captures the state of my current heart only to fracture what I’ve managed to heal back together. I often like to dwell in pretending I’m some kind of superhero who can heal myself, with whatever kind of wounds that ceases my being in times when I’m strong. And one thing that always breaks me down; in moments of their weakness are my children.

I thought about the instances I’ve recently found myself in. Moments that wiggle themselves out from negative vibes. More recently it seems, I’ve a harder time finding the patience, understanding and courage to assess what’s happening with my son. He sits at number seven, and finds himself in the state of ‘bad to the bone’. I’m at my wits, trying to figure out how to ‘fix’ what’s being broken. Perhaps, I’m losing sight at the strands of what breaks him. Perhaps my visions are what needs fixing rather than catching only what he breaks. 

My son is the most sweetest, kindest, purest heart I’ve ever come to know (with the exception of my two girls who share this heart). His smile, it literally lifts you up from the pits of darkness one has managed to find themselves imprisoned in. His love for fun, intimidates ones very being because, sometimes when you’ve transformed into an adult, you lose your sense of innocence. I find its harder for me to sift through my chaos, to connect with him in his state of cognitive process. 

Tonight, a fellow blogger (@mikemadigan) made me see things in a different tone. 

It’s been stated many times before, ‘being a mother is hard’. It’s even more difficult when you’ve got demons you’ve yet to face. Perhaps what holds me back are my annoying fears, that like to sneak up to remind me I’ve got changes to stamp in the present, so that tomorrow may not sting as much. What I don’t realize is how much my vision of tomorrow, breaks my present time. 

We could all use a little less thinking and a little more feeling.

After all, those are the basis in which my son mostly functions in. I’ve forgotten to feel, so much so, he’s slowly drifting from me.  My very fear in being a mother. 

I shall stop blaming my past, and work on the now. My son deserves better! 

I’m hungry. It’s too late to snack. Tomorrow I’ve an hour of spare with Pami. I’m taking her for a drive again.
xo, MM

no streams

Here’s my open letter to you.

“An understanding mind, may categorize the reasons you had to give me up. An understanding mind, may have been able to give you peace about the decisions you’ve made. 

Time, and time again, I wonder.

I wonder, why? I wonder, how?

I’m now a mother of two, and a third one, on the way. I wonder, if I ever felt the poverty, the unfairness of life, the unluckiness, the inabilities; even half of what you felt, would I have done the same..oh wait… I know how it feels to struggle. To live, paycheque, to paycheque with a child. How worrying it is to not know where, or how the rent was going to be paid, or any of the bills, for that matter. I know how it feels to buy just enough for what we need because..LIFE!

Would I have given up as easily, as you did? Would I have not tried? Would I have been able to look at my child for the last time, and spend the rest of my life, however, wherever, not being able to look at my kids again?

I wonder, would I have the strength to give them up? Could I have done it?

It isn’t a matter of strong hearts, strong minds, or greediness. 

I could’t. I wouldn’t. I am greedy for it. But I would have died trying to survive, to GIVE MY CHILD a future, MYSELF. I would have died, with them in my arms. 

Maybe I’m stubborn. Maybe I’m irrational. Maybe I’m illogical. 

How could you? Why didn’t you become better, and came back for me? Why wasn’t I enough? What you thought was best for me, also left me in the long run. Are you still proud of your decision? 

The root of the anger, the root of the sadness, the root of my shortcomings, the root of things that I never came to know, and learn, is because you left. I can’t seem to shake off the feeling, the resentment..it eats at me, when the moment presents itself. When those moments arrive, I lose grip of what I’ve worked so hard to mend. All the pieces I’ve managed to glue back together, shattered again.

Now that I’m older, it haunts me more often. It breaks me, more often. It kills me, more often. While I use the happiness, of the blessings that have come from it, I still find myself lost, unable to let go.

You left me, when I couldn’t yet cry out to you. You left me when I couldn’t yet say to you, I’m worth it, just give me a chance. You left me when I couldn’t yet, tell you I can eventually help us. You just gave up.

You just left. And now I’m to just accept it?“

 

xo, MM

 

Repost from Tumblr – December 17, 2015