It’s the first week of January and I am determined to live up to my goals for this year. I wont bombard you with a “list of my resolution” because, that’s all so like everyone else .. and obviously I’m not like everyone else. *(insert emoticon of choice here)*
Lets start with this..
It’s the worst part of my life; sitting at Starbucks for some “me” time this a.m.- across from me sat a handsome looking guy, with coiffed hair, and perfect short waves dressed to impressed. He was nothing like a guy who’s in the middle of a nasty divorce trying to figure out why the woman he used to love isn’t content with the house he wilfully gave-up to keep her happy. He spoke with such sadness, to the other person on the other side of the phone, as if the pieces that have crumbled on him during this ordeal is causing him more heartache than relief.
…but who should be relieved in a middle of a divorce anyway? Two people spent years building a life together, memories that you can never take away to feel like life can start all over again. But what breaks two people? It’s one thing to cheat, but how do you just fall out of love? Perhaps my idea of marriage doesn’t require the option of falling out of love, because the rule in my head is, you are to find every possible way to keep falling in love over, and over again with your husband, until it all just becomes a part of you, and loving him is like breathing.
A piece of writing a day; one of my goals this year is to write each day. Whether it’s a word, a sentence, a paragraph or a whole novel on a word. The point is, in order for me to find progress in writing my book, I require myself to write-practice makes perfect. To find my style, to find how I want it to be, to figure out how it all makes sense… just to begin.
ON THE DOUBLE
I realize how mothers are easily overwhelmed.
I am one of those moms, unfortunately. I find my OCD with motherhood drives me, and everyone else to insanity. I feel like a hamster running the wheel, but refuse to get off because I’m too stupid to realize I’m not actually going anywhere. Running in one place.
The need to control everything, and my children because of fear, because of the requirement to have them be somebody who can deal with the world, and ready for whatever if I’m no longer around. But I realize, everytime I get worked-up about how aK isn’t eating his food fast enough, or that he’s touched the ground a couple of times to pick-up something he’d dropped, that it’s not a big deal. My sense of control is over the top and that takes away from me being the ‘loving mom’ more than a ‘soldier mom’ looking to have order.
I need a little more heart, a little more love.
I’ve been glancing here, and there at the mom that walked in fifteen minutes after me, to sit beside me with her toddler who requires a lot of love. I understand why she grabs him by his cheeks, and scolds him for biting. I understand why she constantly says, “We love you, but you are very challenging”. I understand why the way she spoke about her daughter shines in her eyes. I understand why she initiated a conversation with me, even after she noticed I had moved closer to the wall, in the corner so I can have a little quiet to write, without the loud screams of a child who didn’t sleep well, and consistently require ‘touch’ to calm him.
Mothering is very hard. Mothering has no rule book. Mothering isn’t a race. Mothering is rarely easy. Mothering requires shedding hair, losing your voice, getting ‘mono’, and a whole other list of unpretty tendencies.
In the end, we all do our best. We all want the best for our kids. We do them, the way we know how. The good thing about parents who try so much is that, they TRY, and not just live on the moment, hoping for the best without working towards anything.
Remember today, tomorrow, the next day you are a superhero to the kids you love, and that love you back. Don’t let the little things in life that are hard with parenting become the wall, and/or the limit that sets you aside from being the mom your child needs.