Mothering without a Mom

I had spent the last few days contemplating on writing about this. A topic I rarely find easy to share about. I didn’t want to time it where it was close to Mother’s Day and ruin it for anyone else.


“I know this may not be the same story for everyone but it is something I struggle with every Mother’s Day.”


As a child, I spent a lot of time with extended families who babysat me for my Dad. Aunts, friends, and neighbours. I spent much of my childhood having to move around and never really being in one place. I was raised by my aunt (my dad’s sister-in-law), from the age of three to nine. She did end up leaving to come to Canada when I was seven. Her oldest son who was left behind, his wife and their baby would end up taking over. It would be another two years before I would leave to Canada. I was nine years old.


What I have learned from studying in the field of education with children is that, the first six years of a child’s life is the most critical for parents to invest the time in. It’s so important for their development, and what that time contributes to who they’re becoming.


I remember as a child thinking my aunt was my mom. I fought for her attention, fought with my cousins that I was no different from them. I did things to gain her love. I wanted to be hers, and I wanted to be claimed, someones. When she left, I was devastated. Like a piece of my soul chipped at, for losing someone closest to a mom. I was so excited to see her again when I came to Canada, but her view of me would change. There would be a wall between us, that separated me from her. She had her own family, I wasn’t hers. I couldn’t have her. A few years down the line, that broken line would have her betray me. I trusted her, I thought she cared about me, and she would out me like a bad story. The part of me who loved her is now gone. It still makes me sad.

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Don’t go chasing something that was never meant to be yours.


I would later on try to build bonds with my dad’s women friends, the moms of my friends, and every other moms I would later on meet. The heartbreak it came with, was so overwhelming. To constantly fail at being someones. I tried so hard to be wanted. I just wanted what everyone had. I wanted that nurturing love, that love that’s there when your world is crumbling down, when your heart is hurting so bad, that love that comes so unconditionally because, YOU ARE HERS.


All my failures at finding HER in others, eventually made me feel numb. I stopped looking. I stopped wanting that. I stopped caring. It would eventually sit in the back burner where a ton of my experiences have been sitting and burning away.


JUST LET GO…

Here I am, a mother of three. The most wonderful accomplishment in my life. The chance I never got to have for me, but now I’m giving to my three beautiful children. Every mother’s day, my heart hurts. It hurts for what I can’t fully celebrate. A day I don’t really care for. But also a day that brings me so much pride. I am a Mother!


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Ryan Jon’s Mother’s Day Message

Wherever you are…

Time has passed. I’ve mourn your loss. I wonder at times, if you’re okay. If you’re still alive. If you ever thought of me. The most painful thing for me is being angry with you. It affects me at any given moment. I wonder how it would have been if you were here. Do I have siblings? I would love that. Did you ever come looking for me? Did I mean much to you, even after you left? If you could have the chance to see me now, would you? Why did you give me away? Why didn’t you fight for me? Why wasn’t I enough? Does your heart hurt the way mine does, because we share one. If you could see me now, would you be proud? You’re a grandmother to three beautiful babies. I am everything, you never was. Sure you struggled. Sure you were alone. Why did he leave you? Does he even know about me? I don’t know anything about this part of me. I wish you had left me with something. I wish you had fought harder. I wish that the time I lost, is a struggle you battle each and every day. I am broken, I am hurt. I needed you. I wanted you. I just needed you to look back. This is something I will forever carry in my heart. As time lapse, I hope for one thing only, to let go of you and stop the heartbreak.
— Happy Mother’s Day, from the daughter you never had.–“


HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL OF YOU!

To all the moms out there who grind each and every day for their little loved ones, to the ones who have lost theirs, to the ones who are trying to have just one, to the ones who had no choice but to give theirs up, to ones doing it all alone, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU. You are most loved, no matter what!


Apollo, Artemis & Cassiopeia

“I’m not always the mom you want me to be. But I will always be the mom, you need. I won’t always do things right, I won’t always give you everything you want. But I will always be here by your side, to hold your hand through anything and everything. I will always love you from the depths of my soul. For all the moments you feel defeated, know I am always cheering you on. I will always help you get up again. I will do things you won’t always understand, but know that in everything I do..I do it because I love you. I hope nothing but for you guys to grow up to be kind people. To love one another through everything and be there for each other, always. I pray for you that your life be full and blessed. I pray that your heart achieves all the things you want in this world. Even when time has gone, remember always that Mom loves you forever.”

MM, out!

May: Mental Health Awareness Month 

May is an observed month for Mental Health Awareness in the United States since 1949. 

 

Though I am not a citizen of America, I share the experience of Mental Illness with the whole world. And sharing my experience is an important point I’d like to advocate for on my blog. 

 

 

 

 

If you are not a follower of my blog, I want you to know that I suffer from Postpartum Depression & Anxiety, OCD that I recently just discovered. The statistics in Canada for women who reported going through postpartum depression is 7.5%. That’s not a huge number in terms of reports of women having it. I say this because, it is not an illness that women/men openly talk about, but this is a very common and unexpected illness that most new parents and parents in general experience in first few years.

Having shared my initial experience of finding out I have it, was a struggle on its own but the outpouring support from the community of bloggers have mostly mentioned how this is not a common topic talked enough about. There isn’t much light being brought to raise awareness of this illness. Just like anyone would be concerned about cancer, this too is an illness that cannot be controlled and should gain the concern it requires.

 

Its an illness that that hides inside of the person and finds itself free to attack the person at any unexpected moment. 

 

What makes it even worse is the fact that it’s a mental health illness. Just say mental health in your head again, and what comes to mind? A person with an unstable mind? A person who is capable of bad things because they’re not all there, up there? A person who cannot perform their usual duties as a citizen or an individual because their brain cannot function like a ‘normal person’? That’s the stigma talking. That’s also the stigma stuck in my head when I first thought about what it would be like to share this with others.


FEAR!

Individuals who experience some sort of Mental Illness, struggle internally to share in words that would allow the receiver to understand.  The truth is, most individuals who experience mental illness cannot always find the words to say without sounding like they are ‘crazy’. Your mind plays tricks on you. You’re not really sure why you’re thinking, what you’re thinking–why you’re irrational, emotional and absolutely out of character.  Well it’s a chemical imbalance. Your emotions are all out of whack, even though the issue is with your brain that’s mostly, usually realistic, rational, and stern; with mental illness, none of that is how it’s supposed to be.

 

Mental illness is not something anyone just fixes for the person suffering. It is not an illness that the individual can just brush off and everything returns to ‘normal’.
It is an illness that cannot be helped (I repeat this because for those who don’t know this is a common misconception). 


There are a lot of people who choose to be ignorant about mental illness. Those people who have never experienced it with someone they love or for themselves.  People who don’t care enough about the importance of why this illness matters enough to be talked about. Sure back then (40’s, 50’s, maybe early 60’s) this isn’t a thing to be sharing with the world. It means you got sent to an institution because they didn’t have a solution for this. And what they did have for it was more pain. 


“Well, here’s the thing..you have to really think outside of your ass in order to really understand this. You’re not going to find it in there. This is just as important to understand as anything else that threatens the value of life.”

 

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Mental illness doesn’t just affect the person who has it but also those dearest to their heart. It affects families. The challenges of this illness takes a tole on each individual members of a family. The tole of this illness is the very thing that makes the feeling of guilt ever so present in motherhood.



HAVING CHILDREN IS NOT THE MAIN CAUSE OF THIS ILLNESS! 

There are several factors to why an individual finds themselves with this illness. The majority of women I have been able to connect with who suffer from this illness has openly shared the traces of their sickness reaching back to before they even had children. Having children is one of the factors that contributes at a later time in life, but it is an illness that roots from past experiences. Yes it can be from the sudden change of life experiences, in motherhood but for the most part this illness is traced from what’s already happened that the individual has fought to shove in a box, in the back of their minds. It can be hereditary. Something you didn’t know runs in your family bloodline. For someone who’s not aware of her roots, this is something I cannot trace back to roots. One thing I am certain of though is that, I’ve a lot of pent up anger that roots from my childhood that I kept in an box inside, far back that has now found its way creeping in on top of all the other stressor accompanying motherhood. 


If you know anyone who appears to be having a hard time emotionally, please offer to listen. Don’t judge or start diagnosing someone of what YOU THINK the problem is, but rather provide resources of different types of help they can seek professionally that may more helpful. 
There are a ton of people, communities who advocate for the awareness of this illness and mental illness in general. Please educate yourself if you’re uncertain of what mental illness is and how it affects a person. Don’t be ignorant. Don’t be judgemental because I can guarantee you, this is not my choice! No one wants to suffer emotionally and psychologically.

 

 

MM

Making Goals as SAHM : May

I made a post last month about making goals as a stay-at-home-mom for April. How this was an important component to keeping sane, and having goals that are achievable and to promotion of self-care in motherhood. 

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I have an update on my April goals, and what I would like to do in May. It seems like April came and dipped. I swear the days are going so much faster now that I’m an adult and have children, compare to when I was a child and had no care in the world about #goals.

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My Birthday  – May 2016

MAY 2017

  • Work out 4x/week —> Work out 2x/week
    I realize how much harder it is to find the motivation to work-out when you’re dealing with Postpartum Depression.
  • Write in my journal daily with affirmations, negatives to positives, memories, moments —> push yourself to write, even when it’s not much or specific.
  • Continue to say one good thing about each family member
    ..to remind them why you love them, why they are awesome, why they are important..
  • Give myself an hour each day – to write in peace —> Give myself 30 mins each day
    I don’t always want to write. I don’t always feel like doing anything. But at least, this 30 minutes is open to anything.
  • Eat healthier meals and try not to skip meals
    This has been very hard. Since there are days when I can’t find it in me to cook. A symptom of Postpartum Depression is, Lost Appetite.
  • SMOKE LESS
  • Take a break daily
  • Complete any wedding stuff on weekends
    I have done nothing else about my upcoming wedding. Next on the list is to retrieve our marriage license. 
  • Start going on walks – a.m.  (with kids) and p.m. (by yourself)
  • Spend time with each childseparately (again)
  • Encourage yourself to be more active by engaging in outdoor activities with the kids
  • CELEBRATE YOU each day this month
    This month is my birthday month, I hope to do something I love each day –even if it’s something small.

I will complete as many of these goals throughout the month of May, and whatever I don’t complete I will continue to add to the next month’s goal.

Thank you for following my journey on achieving goals. I hope you take from this, and encourage yourself to continue to work on yourself and love yourself!

Please share with me any goals you’ve achieved that are easy and to the point. Maybe I can try it as well!

MM, out!

Blogger Recognition Award

“In the moments when all I can round up is the women I have been blessed to find online, she would find herself to be one of those people who just reaches out to you and comforts you with wisdom.”

Ten days ago, I was completely floored when I read my messages. There I found an uplifting message from a fellow and friend blogger, Robin of The Mama Playbook an honest and funny blogger on motherhood and family. Robin is one of the few mom bloggers that I have been able to create a friendship with, even from a digital perspective. She has always extended her hand for more than being colleagues in the field of blogging, but also as moms and individuals. She has always provided me with sweet, and encouraging messages. In the moments when all I can round up is the women I have been blessed to find online, she would find herself to be one of those people who just reaches out to you with wisdom.

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How My Blog Started

I had officially started blogging years ago. Never having it public. I’ve had a few accounts, from forgetting passwords or just creating a totally new blog from the different seasons in my life. About a year ago, the day after my birthday, I began writing. Writing about the things that weighed heavy in my heart. The limitless amount of thoughts that lingered in my head. All jumbled up, unable to shine and get the proper recognition of what it may be trying to get across. The more that I wrote, the more that I realize a lot of the things I’m writing about may be something someone else can relate to. The more that I wrote, the more that it dawned to me how much other moms out there were looking for a helping hand in sharing experiences.

Moms have it tough (not to say anyone else don’t). Moms in general are selfless, worry worms, with a memory bank of forever. They have so much to say, but can’t because well they mostly have just their children to talk to. If you needed to know, it would require a baby translator to even, in the slightest bit have a intelligent conversation with. Babies have a lot of good things to say, it’s just that nobody can friggin’ understand them. I should know, my one year old literally yells at me from frustration, trying to tell me how her ducky attacked her while sitting on the ducks face.  

Aside from the fact that I wanted to be able to share my thoughts and have other women find comfort in it–that they aren’t alone. I wanted to jot down all the things I couldn’t remember after a day. I realize now, that it was because I suffered from Postpartum Depression. Writing allows me to keep some kind of tabs on my experience. It allows me to reflect on my journey in motherhood and to be able to have a place with all my thoughts, available in the future (I save them). Hand written some.

“When experiencing Postpartum Depression, a lot of the times your mind tends to be foggy. You have a difficult time remembering. You struggle to keep track of the simplest tasks you had just thought of doing ten minutes ago, but now all of a sudden you can’t remember for the life of you what it was.”

Two Piece of Advice I Would Give to New Bloggers

  1. Write For You, first. Know WHY you’re writing first of all. Know what your purpose is behind blogging. Is it to make money? Is it to get across your views out there to share with other same minded people? Is it to remember these moments for yourself because we all get older, and we can’t recall everything. When you write, write for yourself. Write something you’d be happy with, to read over and over again, and not something you feel would bring traffic to your blog. You want to be able to capture your readers. Have them take something from it.
  2. DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF OR YOUR BLOG WITH Veteran Bloggers. There are tons of bloggers that have been doing this years before you. They have learned all the tools they need to share their blogs accordingly. What they have on their site, the numbers of followers, readers, shares, or any of that they built themselves with time. You are a new blogger, who will eventually get there. Do not compare your start with someone who’s already been on a journey. It will not help your blog serve its purpose.

The 15 Bloggers – Nomination for Bloggers Recognition Award

  1. Our Cookery by Ant
  2. Short Sweet Mom by Tiffany
  3. The Gifted Gabber by Amy
  4. The Messy Bun Mama by Morgan
  5. Blooming Brilliant by Christine
  6. Adventures At Home – Dedreanna
  7. This Cool Mom Blog by Jaime
  8. Everyones Sleeping But Mom by Kristyn
  9. Little Bit of Learning by Laura
  10. Pretty Loved by Kristin
  11. Bettys Battleground by Elizabeth
  12. U Ready Teddy by Devon
  13. No You Need to Calm Down by Tina
  14. Glossy Babe by Jennifer
  15. Home Bound But Hopeful by Kate

These women, not only have provided a safe place online to provide other women with resources and beautiful art that they willingly share, but their journey that help so many one way or another. Each one of these women, have made an impact in my experience as a blogger and most specially as a person. Thank you, ladies!

Thank you again, Robin!♥

The Bloggers Recognition Award – Rules for Participating

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  • Write a post to show your award
  • Give a brief story of how your blog started
  • Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers
  • Select 15 other bloggers you want to give this award to
  • Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them and provide the link to the post you created.

Thanks for reading! I hope you check out these wonderful bloggers and share in their journey with plenty of helpful resources for you to read!

MM, out!

My Interview with @BettysBattleGround 

I had met Elizabeth Bricco (@bettysbattleground) through my blogging community on twitter.  Her website name intrigued me and I remember visiting her page and skimming through her posts. She is an advocate for mental illness. How she delivers content to educate and share other people’s experience with mental illness. She is a consistent and helpful soul with delivering raw content. Even in the midst of the chaos that linger in her own mind, she has the heart to share with her readers and the world about the importance of knowledge with mental illness. 

‘The hurt she shares, I found comfort in.’

She had tweeted that she is looking for anyone who wanted to share their experiences with mental illness, through an interview that she would share with her readers and followers.

I thought about the extent of me sharing my experience. A few weeks back when I shared that I am struggling with Postpartum Depression with family and friends, it was the scariest thing for me to do and my husband had to do the talking for me. But eventually, sharing it made me a little braver. It made me comfortable enough to share with my viewers through my post “28, Three Kids and Postpartum Depression”.

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‘The Support that came Pouring in’

 

After posting about how I came to find out that I suffer from Postpartum Depression mixed with Anxiety and OCD, the amount of support I received from my blogging community and my readers was amazing. I realized how important it was that I shared it. Aside from the fear of sharing it, a huge part of me wanted the world to know how hard it was to battle with mental illness, alone. Because that’s what it is. No matter the amount of people who are by your side, this is a battle you face on your own, with your own mind. Your experience is extended to those you love the most, and it’s heart breaking.

 

 

What I have gathered from all the comments, I was left with is that..

..this is still an illness that not a lot of people care to educate themselves on, unless they themselves are dealing with it or someone they love. Most people are ignorant about it and thats what causes the stigma. People don’t care to know what it means to struggle with mental illness, and they view you as mentally weak and crazy. 

 

Please check out my interview with Elizabeth Bricco @ http://www.bettysbattleground.com/2017/04/17/parenting-mental-illness-maria/

So I shared 

Sharing my experience is important. Individuals who struggle with mental illness need support, encouragement, friendships, and understanding. They need to be able to access help and feel free to do so, without the fear of being judged. I have yet to access all avenues of help, except medication because well, I don’t have a lot of options financially. But Elizabeth surprised me with a YouCaring fundraiser to help with the cost (totally amazing of her). I thought she would just share my story, and this would be enough to help others. But what she does is she gives more, and that in its own tells you that no matter who you are, even with mental illness, it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person who was mean mentally or emotionally. It is an illness that takes over you, yes. But it is an illness we did not choose or want. It is an illness that brings itself out from the depths of your soul, from the darkness you thought you’ve managed to store away.

 

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Thank you

Sweet Elizabeth Bricco, thank you for allowing me to share my story. Thank you for your support, and help through this part of my life. I am grateful for opening a conversation with you and for your voice for advocating for such an important message. Thank you for allowing me to utilize your social platform to share and educate with others who may be going through postpartum depression or other mental illness. Thank you for providing comfort and being another helping force to help those struggling with mental illness! You have a kind heart. We’re together in this. 

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Please visit http://www.bettysbattleground.com/2017/04/17/parenting-mental-illness-maria/ to read my interview with her and for the YouCaring fundraiser she’s set up for me on her page, to help. 

 

MM, out!

My Sweet Louise (series) 

PHOTOCREDIT: H.K.


My heart is heavy. My heart aches. My heart is weary and I can’t shake this feeling. 

Though our paths have yet to meet in person, you have left a mark in my heart so great that what you are going through saddens my very soul. 

There has only been one other moment when I cried and hurt for someone else’s pain. The injustice, and unfairness that you and your family suffer from is heavy. I guess it makes me a selfish person to rarely feel for others as much. BUT YOU, you always feel for others, even when you know them, not well. But it takes great pain for me to feel. And your pain is so much, my soul cries. 

Remember in the hardest moments that will soon nag you more than it already has, you are loved. You are missed. Your kindness is missed. Your smile is missed. Your wisdom is missed. But this I know, your love is always close by. And not a moment you are forgotten. Be brave, be strong, keep your heart strong, keep singing and keep praying. 


It is a break to strengthen you more. To spread your experience and strengthen others. You are one of the strongest woman I have ever come to know and God will see you through this. 


I will still be here, when you return.
With lots of love, 

Thelma. 

MM, out! 

My Open Letter to Apollo

My Sweet Baby Boy,

I have been trying to find the words to tell you how sorry I am. Sorry for this season of your life that feels so sad, cloudy and unfair. Sorry that you have to shield your emotions from me, so that it wouldn’t contribute to more thoughts that linger in my head and overwhelms me with guilt. Sorry that you feel powerless through my illness. Sorry that you’re the sponge for my ever changing moods.

In the midst of all of this, I want you to know that while in these moments it feels otherwise, I LOVE YOU. I love you always, no matter how it seems. I want you to know that when it feels like im distant, my heart knows nothing than to love you from afar. I want you to know that in the midst of the chaos that effects you the most, I will always find you and save you, the best I can even if you don’t see it or notice it. I want you to know that in the moments when you tell me your heartaches, I am fighting with you through them. I am fighting for you! I am! I want you to know that it won’t be like this, forever. I want you to know that for every inch you drift, I am holding on with all my might! I want you to know that for every hard breath I take in the moments I feel so lost, that you are my reason. I want you to know that you give me strength. I want you to know that you are what saves me! Time and time again, you save me!

Though it feels less than it should, I love you so much! Always & Forever. I will always be here for you, no matter the season, reason, instances, or moments.

Love, Mom.
MM, out!

How My Postpartum Depression Affects My Son

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This post is probably going to make you feel all sorts of things. It’s probably going to make you want to judge me on how cruel or mean I am as a mom. Maybe you’ll find it in your heart to understand how this is a struggle for me, something that breaks my heart on the daily, something I have felt so guilty and have cried an ocean about. But I’m going to share this with you, because I don’t think many people understand the extent or the vastness of Postpartum Depression and how it effects the actual person and the people she loves the most. 

 

My Son

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My son is eight. When I first had him, I was twenty-one. I remember the day I went into labour, and feeling afraid. Apollo being my first child, I was afraid of how it was all going to happen. If I could do it. If I was prepared to give birth to a baby. If I was prepared to have a child. All the things you’re supposed to have thought about prior, came flooding in and all I could think about was, “WHY DIDN’T I READ THOSE BABY BOOKS?!” As if I was gonna find the drugs to ease the pain from labour, or get the doctor who needs to administer the epidural out of the operation room faster, because by the time I opted for epidural I was already exhausted from the contractions.

This isn’t a birth story, so lets fast forward to after he was finally sucked out of my hoo-ha to help me get him out, because I sure was not going to have a c-section. I made sure of that, I’m pretty sure I yelled that to the doctor! “Get this baby out of my vagina, however you need to, as long as it comes out from down there and not my stomach!”

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He ended up having a fever after he came out, he didn’t even cry. Such a brave boy! I didn’t even know he was out, until my mother-in-law said, “Why are you still crying, he’s already over there!” I had felt so exhausted from it all, I couldn’t deal with how I felt about the guilt that my child ended up with a cone head because of the vacuums’ suction, or the fact that he has a fever now, because I ended up getting a fever towards the end of my delivery. How my weakness transferred to my son, and how he was going to spend the rest of his life having this bad trait from me.

Apollo Kai

“As Bright as The Sun and as Deep as The Ocean”

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The focus of this post is to share with you how my postpartum depression experience has effected Apollo the most, in comparison to his sisters who are too young to understand or to allow the effects to consume them. It isn’t to say that it hasn’t effected anyone in my house less, but I feel like my postpartum depression has effected my relationship with Apollo the most, since it began before he had any siblings.

 

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Apollo is the sweetest boy, he is kind, gentle-hearted, loving, fun, rambunctious, hyper, helpful, sensitive, and likes to keep his emotions to himself.

 

It has been super hard coping with postpartum depression, even with the medication the doctor has prescribed (It has yet to work, or not working at all), one in which I can only take when there is another adult to watch the kids because it makes me super sleepy and tired. Well I don’t ever get to use that one because I am never with another adult until around six in the evening or later. So during the day when my anxiety is high and unmanageable, I cannot take anything to help me take the edge off. We have no family and friends around to help because they are all three and a half hours away.

Before I acknowledged or even figured out something was wrong with me, I had spent the last few years feeling like I hated my son, because of the way I treated him. I was easy to anger, easy to yell, every little thing upset me. My OCD effected the way I mothered him, constantly on him for every little thing. “Pick-up your sweater!” “Stop jumping all over the place!” “Calm down!” And slowly it would make us drift.

 

“Do I not love him the same, anymore?”

 

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Slowly our relationship struggled. I was always upset with him. He was always in trouble at school from not being able to socially align his personality (he’s medically assessed to be a gifted child) with the way other children are. I was always yelling at him for everything!

I wasn’t doing any better being the way I was with him. I could recall how I would cry and stand up for him when we were having trouble at school when he was in Kindergarten. I remember I would remind him how he wasn’t the problem and that the school was. Then that shifted a bit before Arty (my second child) was born.

 

I would cry every time I lost it with him. The guilt would over power me and I would drift into this hole, that even I can’t figure a way out of. I hated myself. I hated that I wasn’t the mom I used to be. I hated that the way I loved him changed. I hate that every little thing was so hard. I hated that I could no longer connect with my son.

“I hated that I was a terrible mother!”

 

I love him more than anything in this world! This, I know! This, I feel. But it feels like however Postpartum Depression is effecting me, it’s making my love for Apollo weak. Weak enough, that I am not the mom he used to adore! I am no longer the mom that would give him the benefit of the doubt first, who would never second-guess him, who never had an ounce of distrust! I stood up for him, no matter what! I cried for him, when he was sad, and he felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

 

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NOW…
It feels like, he’s drifted from me. It feels like he doesn’t have to talk to me about anything at all because I won’t listen, or I’m always too busy, or I’m always upset. He no longer sits with me and cuddles me, because he feels like I’m so cold to him. He no longer hugs me with sincerity because he feels I’ve changed. He no longer gives me kisses, because kisses mean you have a connection.

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Postpartum Depression is the worst thing I have ever experienced as a mother. It effects every bit of you. You cannot control it. You cannot just make it go away. AS MUCH, as you tell yourself to get yourself together and stop it, YOU CAN’T! It effects you emotionally and physically. It effects the people you love the most. It effects your decision making, it effects your mood, it effects your happiness, IT EFFECTS WHO YOU ARE! I don’t know how else to explain how Postpartum Depression has changed me. Or how much it has effected my family, especially my son. 

But, What I do know is this…
I will get through this. Postpartum Depression will not have me, forever. Postpartum Depression will not take me away from my son, no matter how much it tears me apart. Postpartum Depression will not break my relationship(s) to point, where I cannot get them back. I will fight with all of me, to get better and beat this thing! I will do whatever it takes to fix my relationship with my son, with so much love, that this thing cannot find a loop hole in. I will fight this! I will take my soul back!

 

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I.LOVE.YOU. MORE THAN IT SEEMS, MORE THAN IT WEIGHS, MORE THAN MY LIFE.  I WILL GET US BACK!

 

 

 

MM, out!

#RockingMotherhood be like…

Thank you to one of my favourite mommy bloggers Tina from (No, You Need to Calm Down), for tagging me in #rockingmotherhood!

 

It’s literally taken me a week to get this going. I took about a week off blogging, to deal with coping with my Postpartum Depression. Last weekend was my youngest daughter’s baptism. We had her godparents, and my husband’s family over for the weekend. It went well, but perhaps, I was exhausted from all of it and ended up feeling unmotivated and in postpartum depression mode. I don’t really know how to explain that to you, but I just didn’t feel like myself, nor did I feel upbeat enough to continue on with my blogging to-do’s. 

I have been trying to figure out, how I have been #rockingmotherhood. It’s a lot harder to find things you do so good that you’re rocking this role called, motherhood. Most of the time, we get so caught up with picking-at the bad stuff we do, we are mostly filled with guilt rather than accomplishments.

 

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I am going to try my best to come up with a few things to share with you how I am #rockingmotherhood, but please bear with me.


  1. I, mother 3!

    For most of the day, I take care of all three of my children. All day, everyday. I find this as impressive as someone who can juggle. If you’re new to my blog, then you probably don’t know that we moved three and a half hours away from home (Toronto, ON), because my husband found work over the border in Michigan, USA as a project engineer. He works for an automation company, so this means he spends endless hours working on projects and meeting deadlines. This also means, while he spends endless hours at work, I spend endless hours at home taking care of our three babies and everything else in between. I don’t know about you but having children in general is hard and then you add two more and I can guarantee you, you’ll lose your mind trying to figure out how to do just that.
  2. Queen of Unhealthy Snacks

    I contemplated on writing this, but I am definitely my children’s bestfriend when it comes to getting snacks. All day, my two year old asks for snacks, unless she’s sleeping. So having a crazy amount of snacks in my house is as important as changing your underwear every single day. I also don’t have all healthy snacks (don’t judge me). I grew up not really having all the snacks I wanted for school. So I told myself that when I grow up, I will buy and have all the snacks I want. This also means, I send my son stuff to school I never got like: Lunchables, brownies, cakes, dunkaroos, cookies, fake juice, and the list goes on (I know all the healthy mamas reading this are probably shaking their heads at me). There’s surely a sprinkle of healthier snacks in there, that I just don’t care to mention, but my children aren’t always high on sugar, I promise. Having these “snacks” allow me to miss out on most tantrums about the kinds of snacks they want when we grocery shop. While I didn’t start them on healthy eating, I do try to encourage them to eat healthier most of the time. Those snacks are also not free-for-all, whenever, wherever. These are snacks they have to ask for and not expect to just have.
  3. Lesson in Everything
    I am the strict one, between my husband and I. I usually make all the rules, while my husband sometimes try to bend them for the kids. I constantly use moments and situations as a learning tool. Experiences are so big with my eight year old right now. I encourage him to always take them for what it is, after exerting all possible solutions. When we’ve got none, then we resort to “what can we learn from this”. I teach all my kids the same thing; for every action comes consequence. This applies more to my son, because he’s the oldest and he’s in school, so he has more experience with social experiences. It’s tough for him at times, and I wish I could just bear it all for him, and deal with it all for him. But he is a growing boy, and there are things he has to learn for himself. Whether that means, dealing with it the best way he thinks at the time and still having it be a mistake. Then we deal with it, as it comes. It’s tough being a teacher about life, when you’ve had such a different upbringing.
  4. Treats: Anyday
    I don’t have a strict routine on taking adventures or going out. I usually just go when I want to go. This means, I take my kids with me. Most of the time these sporadic trips are really more for them than me, but it makes me happy. For example, yesterday I was overwhelmed and not feeling too well. Apollo had gone to a birthday party, which J drove him to. The girls and I stayed home. The girls were supposed to have been napping. Only one of them did. So the other, watched t.v. with me. She was of course miserable after missing that nap. Well soon after, Apollo and J returned. Apollo obviously had a loot bag, and my two year old would obviously become jealous for having cool stuff in a bag. So I decided to take her to Party City, on a shopping spree of 0.40c toys and candies she can fit in their little tiny baskets. She was super happy, and excited. She listened the whole time we were in the store! Oh and when I said, “not that one” or “that one is too expensive”, she calmly responded, “Okay mom”. That experience meant to me more than the fact that I was spoiling her. That she had to have a loot bag, even though she didn’t go to a birthday party. But she got her siblings something too, which I thought was sweet! So these moments, call for no appointments in my calendar. I usually just go whenever I feel like my kids deserve a small joys. It could be a trip to the dollarstore, for one item each. The smiles in those moments, make my heart flutter and it’s the best weakness I have for my kids.
  5. I Always Know Where it is
    I’m pretty sure all moms have this in common, we are always the ones who are supposed to keep track of everything, for everyone. It can get pretty challenging and annoying having to be the go-to person for everything.

    “I don’t actually always know where it is, but I think I’ve seen it”, is my motto.

    I have a photographic memory of everything in my house. I can recall where an item is, by memory even though I don’t need to know. Ok, I don’t spend all day trying to memorize things, I just sort of store it in my head and when someone is looking for something, I can direct them easily to it. It’s a gift, it’s a curse, whichever, I always know where it is!

 

We all have things we’re really good at that helps everyone in our little family to get the ball going, we all #RockMotherhood!

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I’d like to nominate these awesome mommies who also happen to be my other favourite bloggers, so they can too share how they’re #RockingMotherhood:

Tiffany (Shortsweetmom), Kristin (PrettyLoved), Ant (Ourcookery), and Dedreanna (Adventures at Home).

 

MM, out!

28, Three Kids and Postpartum Depression

One Day Can Be

 

“The anger is starting to rise, I could feel my blood boiling and starting to overflow. I could feel my heart racing. It’s so fast, not in a good way. I’m starting to struggle to breathe. I’m so mad, I’m so angry, I can’t help it. I feel like im drowning. 

*Deep Breath*

I don’t know why I got so mad. I don’t know why I was screaming with all my might. I feel terrible! They must think I’m the worst mom in the world. My poor babies, they dont understand what mommy’s going through. It’s not their fault. I’m a terrible mother. Who have I become? Why am I always so angry? 

Ugh, my body hurts. I don’t want to get out of bed. I have to get Arty & Cassi ready to take Apollo to school. But everything hurts. I have to get Apollo up. I have to get his lunch ready, his breakfast. I wonder what he’ll have. I don’t want to get up. Ouch, my back really hurt. Ugh, my head hurts. Man, I have to get everyone dressed for outside. Carry them all to the car. The sun is hurting my eyes and my head even more. My body is in so much pain. 

Its 330, Apollo wants a friend over. No! I don’t want anyone over. I don’t want to have to tend to another child. My heart is racing again. I can’t breathe. What happened? Where did this come from? Why is this happening to me? Ugh, I got so mad about something so normal. He just wanted a friend over. 

I can’t stand all the running around and the screaming. STOP! They’re kids, they run, they laugh. Why am I upset? 

*I start to cry* I can’t stop! It hurts so much. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. Make it all stop! I don’t want to be here. I wanna disappear. I don’t want to hurt my kids anymore. I’m always just upset. I don’t want to make it harder on J. He’ll be fine without me. He loves our kids. He’ll find the strength.”


This is me, on a really bad day. 

Having Postpartum Depression

 

This is an okay day for someone dealing with Postpartum Depression. It gets much worst. Uncontrollable crying, crying for no reason, can’t deal with tasks that used to be done before, irrational behaviour, paranoid, OCD, anxiety, can’t sleep, no appetite, you want to eat everything, distant, irritable, all bottled into one.

Women with PPD goes through it differently than the next. Women with PPD are not weak. Women with PPD are not bad mothers. Women with PPD are not incapable. Women with PPD struggle deeply. Women with PPD shouldn’t be blamed for an illness they did not choose or expect to have.

I received a letter from the school last month, that Apollo has missed a total of 33 days and 7 lates. It’s how I knew something was wrong. I had never had him away from school so much before since he started his academic journey. Aside from really sick-days, he always got to school. It wasn’t so much the lates that bothered me, but the fact that I was feeling these things so hard, I was losing to it. I was upset. More with myself, for being so weak to put my child first. 

 

“You could be the strongest person emotionally, but having PPD erases that.”

 

Acknowledging Something is Wrong

I had recently just found out I am dealing with this sickness. I don’t know everything about it because reading about it gives me anxiety. I’ve had it for a while probably during my pregnancy with the second one. You don’t notice it and relate it to stress because you’re too busy carrying on. Having children isn’t the cause of this. It’s more than that.

I still don’t know how to cope. I still don’t understand how to deal with it. But I try with all of me everyday for my family. It isn’t one day it’s good and it’s gone. It lingers. It sneaks up. It’s always there.

I got the consultation done to confirm it by another doctor, a female one. She also recommended I speak to our family doctor. I was afraid to see our family physician. He’s a male doctor. As much as he is more than qualified to diagnose me and provide options for help. I felt like as a woman he couldn’t understand what it meant. He’s seen me time and time before, with all the kids in tow. He’s noticed I struggled to get through the appointment with my children being challenging. I didn’t want him to deem me incapable of motherhood. I didn’t want him to deem me unfit to take care of my children, worst maybe get my children taken away. But men go through this as well.

 

Getting Help 

We finally seen the doctor. Telling him had me in tears. My anxiety had the best of me. I was so afraid to tell him. I felt so defeated. I felt so embarrassed. Here I am, asking for help because I can’t deal with this on my own. But I’m a mom. I’m supposed to be strong! No, postpartum “does not discriminate”. It doesn’t matter who you are. This comes in and takes all of you for a spin of torment and pain.

He offered options of help. Therapy; asking family or friends to help for a month; getting a babysitter twice a week so J and I can focus on ourselves; medication to ease the struggle.

“Medication won’t erase your daily tasks, or potential triggers, but it will help to ease the moments where you’re overcome with anxiety and everything in between.”

This is me, on an ‘okay’ day.  I don’t always have make-up help to make me look a lot better than I feel.

 


The Battle Continues

I have a ways to go. It is far from over. I have years of this I never dealt with. So day-by-day my family battles through this. Days get hard. Hard for everyone, and not just me. But I’m determined, we’re determined to get through this and that’s what counts.

One day is different from the next. I can’t call it to change the fate of the day, but I have help to get me through it, until I can find the strength to be stronger than this sickness. I have support from J, who never ceases to give me strength and be my strength when all of it is hard. I know it’s difficult on him. I know he feels helpless. I know he wishes he could take this from me. But only time will swallow this thing up. My kids swell my heart with love. Their smile, their laughter, their presence gives me strength. They are the very reason I want to get better. They are the very reason I want to find my way back to living.

 

 

“If you or anyone you know who is a mother, or a father (it doesn’t matter if the baby is a year or seven years old, this happens) seem to show a change in behaviour please see your doctor. Do not disregard it as hormones or being new parents. 

It happens to anyone, and is never expected. “



 

MM, out! 

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