‘Take back my peace of mind’

I had managed to finally leave the house for more than errands and coffee runs, but to actually sit down with this heavy laptop and begin to feel the keys for it inspires my next thoughts.

As my finger tap, tap, tap, my heart slowly begins to open, for I’ve already the idea on what this post would become.

Last night I had a coffee date with my new friend, M. She’s been very helpful to me this week with my back pain. She’s offered every day to take Apollo to school and home. I don’t know how I would have survived this week without her. From someone who has a hard time asking for help-not because of pride, but merely because in my head I believe I’m some kind of superhero who can take on everything and get it done! But, this week has proved me wrong, my body has never failed me this bad, and it proved me that just as fast as I can conjure up the outcomes from the needs of my family, I can also fail just as fast.

As we sat outside the coffee shop, braving the cool air, we begin to converse about life. We both realized how much in common we have. She gets most of the things I managed to share with her. I appreciate how observant she is, and how willing she was to be so helpful even though we’ve only met each other over the summer. It’s quite refreshing. She noticed how I didn’t seem myself this week, and that tells me her qualities as a person. I’m glad we met.

Fast forward…

I’ve been feeling out of it lately, just running through tasks as it comes, and not really being present as I get through them. It’s becoming harder and harder to trace the day for me. I wake up, I feel down, I get through the day, and at the end of the night as soon as my head hits the pillow I refuse to close my eyes. I’m afraid that the faster my eyes close, the further I get from myself. The harder the next day will be. The longer the day will be. And time would just swallow me.

A part of me feels stuck for the feelings that linger about my past. I wonder how I can let it go. I wonder how much longer this part of me, that I know nothing about will continue to run my life in the moments it takes. It feels like the more I pretend it isn’t there, the more it begins to eat at me. I haven’t had one moment all week that I’ve forgotten the heartache attached to it. Questions lists itself over and over again in my head, consuming my silence. I look at my children and the moment begins to feel like I don’t know who I am and the room starts spinning, my heart starts racing, and in an instant as soon as my daughter calls out to me, I’m her mom all over again.

One day, I will find the very thing that holds my heart hostage from being able to feel even the slightest bit of joy not for the things I’m already blessed with, but for the things that I cannot find the answers to. One day, I’ll kiss away the pain, like a love that has respect, and kindness but no heart. One day I’ll recover from my roots and be content at what I’ve become instead. 

 

xo, MM

Author: mommyingmaars

Maria, author of Imommy blog. Maria has three children, Apollo (8), Artemis (2), and Cassiopeia (1). She is due to marry her best friend July 2017. Maria used to be a Registered Early Childhood Educator, before having her second child. She is now a SAHM, that is not paid for wearing many other professional hats. She is, and not limited to some of these professional positions: Doctor, Nurse, Nanny, Chef, Maid, Uber Driver, and so on.. When she isn't mothering or tending to all her other unlicensed professional positions, she loves writing and dancing. She is a previous ballroom and latin competitor. Some of her favourite "stuff" are, turtles/turtoises, the colour green (lime - forest), Laneige's Sleeping mask, make-up, and eating (food is her most favourite self-care aspect). Maria is also currently writing a book on her autobiography, which has been ongoing for the last few years, she's certain she'll eventually finish if she could just get over the hump of emotions attached to exploring oneself. As you read Maria's blogs, you'll get a feel of the true individual that she is, which can sometimes be a fine line of crazy and sweet, but not too sweet. Maria hopes you'll enjoy her blog as she does talking in her head to herself as her fingers skim through the letters on her keyboard. A message from Maria; I do not intend to use my writing to impose or tell you how motherhood should be done. I am no pro at this, and find as I share my wisdom from my experiences, that it shall uncover parts of your heart that find it relatable. My posts aren't always consistent in writing, but it is meant for you to to take in as it is. Find it humurous, sad, lonely, or helpful. Whatever it is you take from it, it only means one thing.. that I have found a place in your mind for those few minutes you dedicated to reading my crap. Thank you for being here, for giving me the chance to share my thoughts. Please return, and remember all written materials and photos on this site, is not to be taken without permission. xo, MM

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