I envy those who have a breaking point and step forward from there they begin to heal, they begin to piece things together, they begin to see the light in their darkness.
I’ve had some of those, but it never stuck.
I’m staring at my daughter, looking at her sing in words she babbles to a song she’s never heard before. As she looks at me singing to my soul, in her eyes I wonder if she knows me. Knows me more than mom who fetches her milk, feeds her as she needs, and cradles her to rest.
I wonder if amidst all the things I do on the daily that’s mostly repetitive from days I could barely remember-if I still know me.
I’ve been feeling kind of lost. Unasked to settle in the now and find peace in what my life IS NOW. I’m not unhappy in where I am in my life or the people on the daily that blesses me with laughter, kindness, love, friendship, support, and all the good things that kindness brings about. I’m grateful for the family I’ve been blessed to have. For the life I’ve had to this point. But a part of me still lingers in question and wonder of where I root myself. I wonder if I’ll get out of the funk I’ve been in, feeling complacent, feeling lost, feeling less than accomplished.
My body has been failing lately. I hate to admit that I can’t do everything, because lord knows I try. But my body is telling me otherwise. My back has been in pain for the last couple of days, feeling worst today. The numbness troubles me, wondering if it’s anything to be alarmed about. But perhaps it’s all just a sign of exhaustion and tiredness. I’m praying it subtles it’s pestering.
There’s a lot in my head..just can’t find the right thing to express it. Perhaps I hold back on myself too.
xo, MM
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Author: mommyingmaars
Maria, author of Imommy blog. Maria has three children, Apollo (8), Artemis (2), and Cassiopeia (1). She is due to marry her best friend July 2017. Maria used to be a Registered Early Childhood Educator, before having her second child. She is now a SAHM, that is not paid for wearing many other professional hats. She is, and not limited to some of these professional positions: Doctor, Nurse, Nanny, Chef, Maid, Uber Driver, and so on.. When she isn't mothering or tending to all her other unlicensed professional positions, she loves writing and dancing. She is a previous ballroom and latin competitor. Some of her favourite "stuff" are, turtles/turtoises, the colour green (lime - forest), Laneige's Sleeping mask, make-up, and eating (food is her most favourite self-care aspect). Maria is also currently writing a book on her autobiography, which has been ongoing for the last few years, she's certain she'll eventually finish if she could just get over the hump of emotions attached to exploring oneself. As you read Maria's blogs, you'll get a feel of the true individual that she is, which can sometimes be a fine line of crazy and sweet, but not too sweet. Maria hopes you'll enjoy her blog as she does talking in her head to herself as her fingers skim through the letters on her keyboard.
A message from Maria;
I do not intend to use my writing to impose or tell you how motherhood should be done. I am no pro at this, and find as I share my wisdom from my experiences, that it shall uncover parts of your heart that find it relatable. My posts aren't always consistent in writing, but it is meant for you to to take in as it is. Find it humurous, sad, lonely, or helpful. Whatever it is you take from it, it only means one thing.. that I have found a place in your mind for those few minutes you dedicated to reading my crap. Thank you for being here, for giving me the chance to share my thoughts.
Please return, and remember all written materials and photos on this site, is not to be taken without permission.
xo, MM
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