Oh daddy, where art thou

Before I begin this entry, let me be the first to tell you that while most of my entries appear to be very personal and almost pitiful..the intention of what I share isn’t to influence your negative feelings or request your negative rants in response to how this may allow you to feel.

I have taken these honest views of my life so that others who may find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in these real, life matter ‘situations’. 

As I was…

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Dad & J hanging out with 1 & 3 (Apollo & Cassiopeia)

Yesterday was Fathers Day. We celebrated this event with my father- in-law since we’ve been in Toronto staying with them since last Tuesday, and we would be heading home a few hours after this.  It was your usual, cater to the Dads day. While I sat at the dining table having brunch with the family, I couldn’t help but wonder if I should call my Dad.  He is after all, a dad nonetheless even if not biologically. 

As I continued to think what my calls would bring about or if he would even answer, the thought began to disappear. It began to feel more like a chore and not from the heart.

I used to have the same sweet messages that most ‘child-of-someone’ had written and shared yesterday.

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3 years ago

But..in the last few years I’ve accepted that I’m no longer anyone’s child, and I no longer have a father that cares to be one. I merely have one now, just to say I’m still his adopted daughter because that can’t be changed, and vice versa.

I realize that in moments like these in my life, I’ve learned to turn off the emotion one is to feel about these types of things. I felt no ways about Fathers day. I only felt that my children should show their father appreciation everyday for loving them like no other. I felt my husband should convey to his dad whatever it is to let him know he loves him. But I..well, it was just another day. Just like mothers day. I expected nothing and the day went on like any other.

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He's an awesome Dad

Perhaps that part of me that envied others for the things and relationships they have which I’ll never be able to understand, have learned to switch itself off. I used to cry about it. I used to be so jealous. And now..as these days pass without a thought, the easier it gets for my heart to block it off. I’ve lost all emotions. My heat is as stiff as it gets. My mind, it’s taught itself to forget.

One day I’ll figure this part of me out. Until then..let’s keep going.

I’m out.

xo, MM

Author: mommyingmaars

Maria, author of Imommy blog. Maria has three children, Apollo (8), Artemis (2), and Cassiopeia (1). She is due to marry her best friend July 2017. Maria used to be a Registered Early Childhood Educator, before having her second child. She is now a SAHM, that is not paid for wearing many other professional hats. She is, and not limited to some of these professional positions: Doctor, Nurse, Nanny, Chef, Maid, Uber Driver, and so on.. When she isn't mothering or tending to all her other unlicensed professional positions, she loves writing and dancing. She is a previous ballroom and latin competitor. Some of her favourite "stuff" are, turtles/turtoises, the colour green (lime - forest), Laneige's Sleeping mask, make-up, and eating (food is her most favourite self-care aspect). Maria is also currently writing a book on her autobiography, which has been ongoing for the last few years, she's certain she'll eventually finish if she could just get over the hump of emotions attached to exploring oneself. As you read Maria's blogs, you'll get a feel of the true individual that she is, which can sometimes be a fine line of crazy and sweet, but not too sweet. Maria hopes you'll enjoy her blog as she does talking in her head to herself as her fingers skim through the letters on her keyboard. A message from Maria; I do not intend to use my writing to impose or tell you how motherhood should be done. I am no pro at this, and find as I share my wisdom from my experiences, that it shall uncover parts of your heart that find it relatable. My posts aren't always consistent in writing, but it is meant for you to to take in as it is. Find it humurous, sad, lonely, or helpful. Whatever it is you take from it, it only means one thing.. that I have found a place in your mind for those few minutes you dedicated to reading my crap. Thank you for being here, for giving me the chance to share my thoughts. Please return, and remember all written materials and photos on this site, is not to be taken without permission. xo, MM

4 thoughts on “Oh daddy, where art thou”

  1. This post was pretty powerful, true it had a negative tone, but it was true in feeling, i appreciate you sharing this, and i hope one day you learn to figure it out. Since you were adopted, if your adopted father has been there for you in every way shape or form than i believe you do truly have a father, may not be biological; but, he is still a father.
    A co-worker of mine is taking care of his girl friends daughter, granted he isn’t the real dad but they have been together for years now and he has seen this little girl grow up since she was a toddler, he told me he has fallen in love with her, he told me the dad doesn’t want to be in her life, so he stepped up and took the place to where even the little girl calls him dad.
    So if the love from the step/ adopted father is there, than i feel shouldn’t that be enough?
    to have that father figure there whenever you need or needed him?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the comment. Perhaps I haven’t posted a back story of my relationship with my father. It’s one of the reasons I’m stuck on my novel. You open a can of worms there’s no unseeing that after the fact. It’s one thing to have that ‘love’ present. But it’s another when it’s not existent. I’ve a post on que ..it may be a good read. Thanks for keeping up with me! šŸ˜Š

      Liked by 1 person

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