Turn your wounds into wisdom

Growing up with one parent, and that parent being male, doesn’t prepare you for being a mom. My experiences growing up with just a Dad in comparison to my best friend then, who had a mother and father was totally different. On top of that, having  a much older parent, who was single, and old school, molded the type of child I was.

People told me how mature I was, how easily I thought of things- so carefully. How elaborated my thought process was, for someone who wasn’t even in high school. Well, that comes with experience right?

I grew up with my extended family members, no siblings, but I had cousins. I was the baby in the household, so being surrounded by much older individuals, contributed to my development as a person. I didn’t make friends easily. Teased by the people within my surrounding, for petty differences; in my height, my family lifestyle, and the questioning identity of who I truly was. The biggest thing for me as a child was being uncertain of who I was; not knowing where to place myself within the life I was granted. I was never certain about where I belonged, even in the family I was “blessed” to be placed in.

“God gives us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends”

I spent years as a child, yearning for the meaning of family. What it means to belong. What it means to love someone, and be loved in return. I spent nights, thinking about what it feels like to be someone’s. What it feels like to be claimed by someone. When you’re adopted, you don’t have roots with the people you end up with. You don’t have foundations, that have been rooted from the day you were born. While it isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because everything can be rebuilt, or built throughout your life, it was something I wanted to be able to feel.

I guess you can say, I like to be in tuned with myself. When you have no tangible assurance of where you come from, your experiences are doubtful and questionable. You want to be able to trace back the way you are; how you think, why you do, what you do. It isn’t all genetic backgrounds, but it does contribute to your self-understanding.

Now that I am a Mother, I see how much ‘genetics’ identifies you, as a child. I look at my children, and they do certain things subconsciously that mimic J and I. It shows me how much of me, there is, in them. Sometimes, I envy that. I envy my children, for being able to categorize themselves between J and I. I envy that they’re from two people, who claims them in everyway, in everything. I envy that they are loved beyond anything else in this world. I envy that someone is keeping track of who they are, and what they will be one day. I envy that one day, they’ll have their memories replayed for them through moments in photographs and videos. I envy that they have two people who can tell them who they were, before they knew.

Perhaps, my envy is what holds me back.

 

……

I nee a snack.. I’ll be back.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” -Oscar Wilde

Author: mommyingmaars

Maria, author of Imommy blog. Maria has three children, Apollo (8), Artemis (2), and Cassiopeia (1). She is due to marry her best friend July 2017. Maria used to be a Registered Early Childhood Educator, before having her second child. She is now a SAHM, that is not paid for wearing many other professional hats. She is, and not limited to some of these professional positions: Doctor, Nurse, Nanny, Chef, Maid, Uber Driver, and so on.. When she isn't mothering or tending to all her other unlicensed professional positions, she loves writing and dancing. She is a previous ballroom and latin competitor. Some of her favourite "stuff" are, turtles/turtoises, the colour green (lime - forest), Laneige's Sleeping mask, make-up, and eating (food is her most favourite self-care aspect). Maria is also currently writing a book on her autobiography, which has been ongoing for the last few years, she's certain she'll eventually finish if she could just get over the hump of emotions attached to exploring oneself. As you read Maria's blogs, you'll get a feel of the true individual that she is, which can sometimes be a fine line of crazy and sweet, but not too sweet. Maria hopes you'll enjoy her blog as she does talking in her head to herself as her fingers skim through the letters on her keyboard. A message from Maria; I do not intend to use my writing to impose or tell you how motherhood should be done. I am no pro at this, and find as I share my wisdom from my experiences, that it shall uncover parts of your heart that find it relatable. My posts aren't always consistent in writing, but it is meant for you to to take in as it is. Find it humurous, sad, lonely, or helpful. Whatever it is you take from it, it only means one thing.. that I have found a place in your mind for those few minutes you dedicated to reading my crap. Thank you for being here, for giving me the chance to share my thoughts. Please return, and remember all written materials and photos on this site, is not to be taken without permission. xo, MM

3 thoughts on “Turn your wounds into wisdom”

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