Who’s Chasing you?

I have spent a crazy amount of time chasing after people in my lifetime. Never having the satisfaction of knowing if I’m ever enough for anyone.

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The funny thing about losing people in my case is, I’m never the one who chooses to walk away. I’m always left with having to, because there’s nothing else to hold on to.

“How disappointing. I wonder what, where I went wrong in that one?”

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That’s my father. He adopted me at eight months old; a private adoption. Tracking any history is a lot harder that way, or, maybe I’m just not sure how to get to it. 

For the most part of our relationship it was awkward and uncertain. I spent the first three years with him, until he moved to Canada without me for six years. In those six years, I became my own person, who saw the world as my enemy. I had no one. Lived with people who had to, because I was “family”. Imagine a child, uncertain of what it means to be loved and to countlessly rely on nobody because they just weren’t mine to rely on. I finally met up with him again, and things were surely where he left off. I didn’t know him, just photographs he’s consistently sent me to “never forget” that there’s supposed to be someone keeping time with me. He’s taught me good things, but where he lack was the nurture I have now learned being a parent, myself. 

I haven’t spoken to him in over two years. It’s been three Christmas’s without him. He’s never met Arty, and have forgotten about Apollo. 

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​He posted this today, it translates:
“It hurts to think that because of that one thing that happened it can no longer be the same as before between the two of you”

I’ve called in the last two years, numerous times to reconcile what has been broken because he’s my only immediate family and the truth is, being a mother I’ve learned that love is indeed unconditional. It’s not longer the way it used to be when I was single and I was selfish and I thought that when people walk away from you, you just gotta let it be. That you’re not losing anything or anyone because it’s their right. But families come with a certain rule. A rule that  no matter what, you can’t be broken. Sometimes you can disconnect, like with many other things in life, but never with family. But in this case, when you disconnect, there’s no turning back. It’s a shame because he’s always been one to hold grudges. Time will lose, time will turn, time will come and I wont be chasing it no  more.

xoxo, MM

Author: mommyingmaars

Maria, author of Imommy blog. Maria has three children, Apollo (8), Artemis (2), and Cassiopeia (1). She is due to marry her best friend July 2017. Maria used to be a Registered Early Childhood Educator, before having her second child. She is now a SAHM, that is not paid for wearing many other professional hats. She is, and not limited to some of these professional positions: Doctor, Nurse, Nanny, Chef, Maid, Uber Driver, and so on.. When she isn't mothering or tending to all her other unlicensed professional positions, she loves writing and dancing. She is a previous ballroom and latin competitor. Some of her favourite "stuff" are, turtles/turtoises, the colour green (lime - forest), Laneige's Sleeping mask, make-up, and eating (food is her most favourite self-care aspect). Maria is also currently writing a book on her autobiography, which has been ongoing for the last few years, she's certain she'll eventually finish if she could just get over the hump of emotions attached to exploring oneself. As you read Maria's blogs, you'll get a feel of the true individual that she is, which can sometimes be a fine line of crazy and sweet, but not too sweet. Maria hopes you'll enjoy her blog as she does talking in her head to herself as her fingers skim through the letters on her keyboard. A message from Maria; I do not intend to use my writing to impose or tell you how motherhood should be done. I am no pro at this, and find as I share my wisdom from my experiences, that it shall uncover parts of your heart that find it relatable. My posts aren't always consistent in writing, but it is meant for you to to take in as it is. Find it humurous, sad, lonely, or helpful. Whatever it is you take from it, it only means one thing.. that I have found a place in your mind for those few minutes you dedicated to reading my crap. Thank you for being here, for giving me the chance to share my thoughts. Please return, and remember all written materials and photos on this site, is not to be taken without permission. xo, MM

One thought on “Who’s Chasing you?”

  1. Pingback: I,Mommy

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